Even though someone will have their own life to lead, it doesn’t mean that it will be normal for them to focus on their own life. What could be normal is for them to spend a lot of time doing things for others.

Not only this, but when they are not doing things for others, they could spend a lot of time thinking about what is going on for others. It might not stop there, though, as when it comes to what they do for themselves, this might not have a lot to do with what is in alignment with their true self.


But, if this is how their life has been for a very long time, there is going to be no reason for them to realise that they are living the wrong way. Their life will continue to pass them by and not a great deal will change.

This doesn’t mean that they won’t suffer, though, as living in this way is not going to be very fulfilling. For example, they could have the tendency to feel low and drained but not be able to join the dots, so to speak.

Outer Directed

If they do, this could just be put down to them suffering from depression and perhaps having a chemical imbalance, for instance. Their attention is largely going to be on what is taking place externally.

This is why they spend a lot of time doing and thinking about others and why a lot of what they do is not in alignment with their essence. By being this way, they are not going to be connected to their needs and feelings a lot of the time, which will prevent them from hearing the feedback inside them and doing what is right for them.


If they had a good connection to their own inner world, they would be able to see that they spend too much time doing things for and thinking about others and that what they do is typically not very fulfilling. So, although they will be an individual with their own inner world and purpose for existing, they will act as though they are merely an extension of others and are here to serve them.

For their life to change, it will be essential for them to bring their attention inside themselves. Once this has taken place, they can connect to their needs and feelings and allow these two elements to direct their life.

The Outcome

When this takes place, they will spend less time doing things for and focusing on others and they will be able to live a life that is fulfilling. Another part of this is that this will mean that so much of their energy is no longer being directed towards others and is being directed towards themselves and their own life.

However, while this can be seen as the ideal, it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to change their life. If they were to become aware of how out of balance they are and were to think about living life differently, they could experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety.

A Closer Look

On one side, they will want to live their own life and no longer be so absorbed in other people’s lives but, on the other, this is going to feel uncomfortable. This will illustrate that they are experiencing inner conflict.

The part of them that wants their life to change won’t be as strong as the part of them that wants it to stay the same. Like an intruder, this other part of them is going to be undermining them.

What’s going on?

Most likely, this part of them will believe that the only way that they can survive is by being focused on and doing things for others. It is then not safe enough for them to be in their body and connected to their own needs and feelings and to be there for themselves and others.

One way of looking at this would be to say that they are in a state of functional hypervigilance, where their awareness is primarily in their head and on what is going on externally. Naturally, this takes their energy away from themselves and directs it towards people and situations.

Going Deeper

When it comes to why they are this way, there is the chance that they grew up in an environment that was anything but safe. Perhaps this was a time when one or both of their parents were emotionally unstable and abusive in one or more ways.

As a result of this, it wasn’t safe enough for them to be in their body, connected to their needs and feelings and to just be and express themselves. No, they had to leave their body and connect to the needs and feelings of those around them, be alert more or less all the time and do what would please another or others.

Forced To Adapt

They would then have grown up in a home but it would have been as if they grew up in a warzone. Their brain and nervous system had to go into survival mode right from the beginning and this would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop in the right way.

Now that they are an adult, they will no longer live in a ‘warzone’ but their system won’t have moved on. A big part of them will still live in an environment like this and this is why they will still have such a strong need to be this way.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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