Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Mans Survival Attached To His Mother?

If a man is in a position where he is focused on and does a lot for his mother, he is unlikely to have a life that is very fulfilling. The reason for this is that a number of his needs will seldom if ever be met.

Yet, even though he will be depriving himself, this might not be something that he is consciously aware of. If this is the case, the signs that he is neglecting himself will be there but he won’t be able to acknowledge them.

For Example
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So, he can spend a lot of time feeling down and drained but, if he is aware of this, he could say that this is due to something else. He might believe that it is just because he has a lot going on or that he suffers from depression, for instance.

As a result, his life will probably need to get a lot worse before he is able to face up to how out of balance he is. There are a number of things that can take place that can serve as a catalyst.

The Next Stage

After a breakdown, serious illness, job loss or even a breakup, it might no longer be possible for him to behave in the same way. He is then not going to be in a good place but this can be what allows him to gradually face reality.

He could start to wonder why he is so focused on her and so out of touch with himself. But, even if he started to change his behaviour, he could soon experience fear and anxiety and guilt and shame.

Inner Conflict

From this, it will be clear that part of him wants to do what is best for him but another part of him sees this as something that is bad and a threat to his survival. At this point, he could wonder what is going on.

He will be here to live his own life, so putting himself first is not wrong and, as he is a man, not a boy, his survival doesn’t depend on his mother. With this in mind, what he is going through will be irrational.

Back In Time

However, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, he might soon understand why he is this way. This will allow him to see that what he is going through is not irrational; it is a natural consequence of what he went through all those years ago.

Practically from the moment that he was born, he might not have received the attunement and care that he needed. And when he did receive care, it might have typically been misattuned care.

A Brutal Time

Irrespective of the stage of his life that he was derived, as he didn’t receive what he needed, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. He would then have been dependent on his mother when he was born and stayed this way.

If he hadn’t been powerless and dependent at this stage of his life, he would have been able to do something about what was going on. But, as this wasn’t possible, he had to adapt to what took place.

One option

His brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs, with him going into a shut down and disconnected state. His physical and mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have.

This part of him, his emotional self, will continue to see his mother as being essential to his survival. Ultimately, this part of him sees life based on how it was, not on how it is.

An Expected Outcome

As a big part of him sees his mother in this way, it is not a surprise that he has the need to focus on and please her. Not doing this will be seen as something that will cause him to die.

During his early years, not doing what she wanted would have probably caused him to be rejected and abandoned and, thereby, to have had the experience of dying without dying. Fortunately, he is no longer a powerless and dependent boy.

Moving Forward

For him to realise this, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.