Narcissistic Mothers: Can A Man Feel Worthless If Had A Narcissistic Mother?

What a man may find, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he often feels low and depressed. He could find that this is because he doesn’t feel good about himself and doesn’t believe this will ever change.
If he were to think about why he feels this way, he could think about a few different areas of his life. So, he might have been in a number of abusive relationships, have a job that is soul-destroying and he might not have any close friends.

The Cause

If these areas of his life were different, then, he wouldn’t feel this way. However, although it will seem as if what is going on externally is causing him to feel this way, what if there is far more to it?

What if what is going on externally is largely an effect of how he feels, not the other way around? At this point, if he is open-minded, he might wonder why he feels so bad about himself.

Looking Back

If he were to think about how long he has felt this way, he might find that he has felt this way for a long time. Moreover, before he was even aware of how he felt, he could see that the signs were there that he felt worthless.

For example, he might see that he has often put up with bad behaviour, criticised himself and felt low. Thus, before he was consciously aware of how he felt, how he felt would have greatly impacted his life.

Back In Time

There is a chance that what took place during his formative years and the impact that this had on him played a big part in why he feels worthless. If he were to think about his early years, he might believe that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad.

He could, for example, think about how his mother loved him and gave him what he needed. What has entered his mind might be the truth, or it could be something that has very little, if any, basis in reality.

A Closer Look

In reality, he might have been brought up by a mother who was rarely attuned to his needs and was unable to provide him with the care that he needed. The reason for this is that his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Not only this, but she might have seen him as nothing more than an extension of herself and believed that he was there to meet her needs. Therefore, not only would he have missed out on the love that he needed, but he would have also been used.

A Big Impact

Instead of receiving what he needed to grow and develop in the right way, then, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Ultimately, he would have missed out on the nutrients that he needed to experience an emotional birth.

If he resisted what was taking place, his mother might have criticised, rejected and/or abandoned him. He would then have learnt that it wasn’t safe for him to express himself and had to do what his mother wanted.

A Battle

If he wasn’t powerless and dependent, he would have been able to leave his mother and find another mother who could provide him with the attunement and care that he needed. But, as this wasn’t an option, he would have been forced to lose touch with how he felt and a number of his needs.

He would then have lost touch with his connected, true self, and developed a disconnected, false self. Additionally, thanks to how he was treated, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable.

Not the Truth

In reality, his mother probably didn’t provide him with the love he needed because she wasn’t able to love him. Most likely, she had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, which caused her to be developmentally stunted.

This would have stopped her from being able to move beyond the toddler stage of her development and realise that other people are not an extension of her. The self that she had would then have been built on the wounded toddler that she once was.

Moving Forward

This is not to say that she was consciously aware of what she was doing as she was likely to have been oblivious to how underdeveloped she was or the damage that she was doing. Taking all this into account, the view that he has of himself is a consequence of the meaning that he made when he was in an underdeveloped state.

For him to feel comfortable with his needs and feelings and activate the felt sense of worth and lovability that would have been activated if his early years were different, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.
​
Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.