Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Brought Up To Be An Extension Of His Mother?

A man can be in a position where he not only focuses on his mother and ignores himself but he can be comfortable with this. He can have the sense that he is doing the right thing by being there for her.

So, as far as he is concerned, as he is her son, it can be his responsibility to be there for her and make sure that she is taken care of. Behaving in this way can then make him feel proud.

External Feedback

Along with what is going on for him, he can be surrounded by people who also have the same view. A number of family members and friends could say that he is a ‘good son’ and that he is doing the ‘right’ thing.

Additionally, people that he comes into contact with in his day-to-day life can also say the same thing. Thus, due to what he believes and what other people say to him, there is going to be no reason for him to question himself.

An Analogy

It will be as if he lives on an island and on the island, everyone more or less has the same belief system. But, if he were to visit another island, he would soon see that there is another way of seeing life.

However, thanks to what is going on for him, he will live in a reality that validates what he believes. The trouble is that as he is out of alignment with himself, it is unlikely that he will be able to behave in this way forever.

Inner Conflict

But, even before he arrives at this point, the signs can be there that he is living in the wrong way. For example, he can often feel drained and low, and have the sense that something is missing in his life.

His true self will then be letting him know, in a very subtle manner, that he is not paying attention to himself. Yet, as he is so caught up with his mother, this inner feedback can largely be overlooked.

The Catalyst

One thing that can cause him to face up to what is going on is if he were to meet a woman and start dating. This woman could soon see how caught up he is with his mother and say that this is causing him to neglect himself.

Nonetheless, his false self can do what is can to make sure that he continues to behave in the same way. The outcome of this is that he can deny what she says and push her away.

Resistance

Assuming that this was to take place, once the dust has settled, he can wonder why he is so focused on his mother. It could be clear at this point that the woman he was with was on his side but he wasn’t able to accept this.

For him to gain a deeper understanding of why he is behaving in this way, he can use his imagination. He can imagine that he spends less time doing things for his mother and more time doing things for himself.

The next Stage

At this point, he can end up feeling a sense of freedom and feel greatly relieved. Yet, as time passes, he can end up feeling guilty and ashamed and he can be filled with anxiety and fear.

From this, it will be as if he is doing the wrong thing and his survival is under threat. Consequently, he can soon go back to behaving in the same way and abandoning himself in the process.

What’s going on?

Considering this, if he doesn’t behave as though he is an extension of his mother, he is not going to feel good and he will be deeply unsettled. He is then going to be physically separate from his mother but he won’t feel mentally and emotionally separate from her.

It is then not a surprise that he behaves in this way. At this stage, he can wonder why he doesn’t feel mentally and emotionally separate from his mother.
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A Deeper Look

To understand why he is in this position, it will be a good idea for him to take a closer look at what took place during his formative years. This is likely to have been a time when his mother was unable to accept that he was a separate human being who had his own needs and feelings.

Instead, she probably saw him as an extension of herself and forced him to meet some of her needs. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Developmentally stunted

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. The connection that he had to his connected, true self would have been severed, with him creating a disconnected and outer-directed, false self.

He would then have been connected to himself at one point and lost this connection at another, with him staying in an emotionally dependent state. Moreover, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable.

Moving Forward

Most likely, his mother was developmentally stunted and wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed. Ergo, it wasn’t that there was something inherently wrong with him; it was that his mother couldn’t love him.

For him to mentally and emotionally separate from his mother, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.