Mother-Enmeshed Women: Has A Mother-Enmeshed Woman Abandoned Herself?

If a woman is in a position where she does a lot for her mother and ignores a number of her own needs, she will be out of balance. But, if living in this way is just what is normal, she might not be aware of what is going on.

Due to this, she could often feel low and drained but believe that she just suffers from depression, for instance. So, every now and then, she might find it hard to get out of bed and do just about anything.

One Route

To allow her to cope, she could end up being put on medication and even going on a special diet. Yet, even if she does go down this route, as she won’t be dealing with the real issue, she might end up with other mental and emotional as well as physical problems as time passes.

Thanks to this, her life might need to get worse in order for her to be able to see clearly. Alternatively, she could end up getting into a relationship, with this being a time when her partner will be able to see that something is not right.

External Feedback

Assuming that she does get into a relationship, the man that she is with could notice that she is overly focused on her mother’s needs. He could soon share this with her, only for her to deny what he says.

She could say that she is simply doing what any loving daughter would do for their mother and accuse him of having something against her. After this, he could end up feeling confused and frustrated.

It’s Chrystal Clear

He could see that she doesn’t have much energy, neglects herself and is not overly available but she won’t be able to see this. At this point, he could wonder if she will ever change and if he needs to move on.

However, if he does break up with her and goes his own way, this could be what allows her to see clearly. If so, this will be the catalyst that allows her to gradually face reality and see what she is out of balance.

One Scenario

Even so, at first, she could end up feeling as though she has been abandoned and be in a lot of pain. After her mother has heard about what has happened, she might say that she is better off without him or words to that effect.

She will then be in a bad way but her mother can appear to be happy about what has taken place. If she is, it could be said that this is because she won’t have to share her with anyone and will receive more of her attention.

The next Stage

As the days, weeks and months pass, she could start to think about how focused she is on her mother and how her mother expects her to be there for her. She could also see how this is causing her to ignore herself and to be drained.

As a result of this, she could think about how her ex-boyfriend was on her side and wanted what was best for her. Yet, as she was too caught up with her mother and so out of touch with herself, she wasn’t able to accept this.

Totally Confused

After a while, she could wonder why she is so focused on her mother and ignores herself. She could see that she has been this way for as long as she can remember.

For her to gain a deeper understanding of why she is this way, she could imagine that she no longer does so much for her mother and spends more time doing things for herself. After experiencing a sense of freedom and feeling relieved, she could feel anxious and be filled with guilt and shame.

What’s going on?

She could believe that there is no reason for her to be this way and that putting herself first should feel comfortable. Nonetheless, if she were to go back in time and observe what it was like for her during her formative years, she might soon understand why she is this way.

At this stage of her life, her mother might have been emotionally unavailable and typically treated her as if she were an object that existed to meet her needs. This would have meant that she missed out on the attunement and love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

The outcome

Most likely, her mother was developmentally stunted and unable to provide her with the love that she needed. Anyway, to handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

This would have involved her losing touch with her connected and embodied true self, and developing a disembodied, disconnected and outer-directed false self. She would have also come to believe that she was responsible for her mother’s needs and that her needs and feelings were bad.

A Tough Time

And, if she didn’t do what her mother wanted, she might have criticised, rejected and/or abandoned her. Doing what her mother wanted would have been a matter of life or death.

Moreover, she would have lived in the hope – the false hope - that if she did what her mother wanted, she would be seen and heard by her and loved. But, as her mother was probably incapable of loving her, as she herself had never been loved, it wouldn’t have mattered what she did.

Moving Forward

For her to be able to draw the line with her mother and no longer turn her back on herself, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness
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If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.