If someone were to come to see that they were mistreated during their formative years, they might have the need to talk to their abusive parent or parents about what happened. Now, assuming that it was one parent who mistreated them or that one of their parents has passed on, they might not get very far.

This parent could deny what they say and make out that they are making it all up. As a result of this, they are not going to be able to receive the validation and support that they desire.

A Continuation

But, if they were to think about what their early years were like, they could find that this is nothing new. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have rarely been seen and heard and supported.

They would then have been physically seen by this parent but they would have seldom been emotionally seen by them. In other words, they generally wouldn’t have been treated as though they were a separate individual who had their own needs and feelings and life to lead.

Another Part

Along with their parent not validating or supporting them now that they are an adult, they can also make out that they were the perfect parents. They would then have been a parent who gave them just about everything that they needed.

Thus, as they are unable to accept this, they will be ungrateful and unwilling to acknowledge what their parent did for them. They might see that while there was a lot that this parent did do for them, there was also a lot that they didn’t do.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, they could struggle to understand how this parent could have such a lop-sided view of themselves. Then again, they could see that this is nothing new as this parent would often make out that they were perfect and everyone else was the problem.

They could see that, when they were around certain people, a friendly, charming and generous side would come out. Consequently, this could mean that certain people had a view of their parents that was very different to how they were behind the scenes, so to speak.

External Feedback

If so, if their parent were to talk to some of their friends about what their adult child has said to them, these people could also validate what they say. They could tell their parent that their child is just ungrateful and/or blaming them for their own unhappiness, for instance.

After this conversation, one of their parent’s friends could get in touch with them and criticise them. If this were to take place, it would be clear that this friend is unable to consider let alone accept that the person who they like and even admire has more than one side.


Their parent will have had and have two very different sides but they won’t be able to accept this that this so. Upon realising this, they could wonder why their parent is unable to accept that they are not a perfect human being who doesn’t make mistakes.

It will be as if they are not human, they are a god who is above their fellow human beings. Now, as strange as this may appear to be, there is a strong chance that this parent has developed an inflated false self to keep it together and function.

Going Deeper

Under the inflated false self they have, they are likely to feel useless, worthless, unlovable, helpless and hopeless. To avoid how they feel, they have to have a view of themselves that is the complete opposite.

Naturally, as they feel so bad about themselves, it is vital for them to have this inflated false self in place and for them to attack and even destroy anyone who tries to undermine it. If then, they were to have a more balanced view of themselves and reflect on how they have behaved, they are likely to soon fall into a very hole.

Back In Time

What this is likely to show is that their parent’s childhood had a lot in common with their childhood. This may have been a time when they were both neglected and abused and made to feel totally worthless and unlovable.

As a child, for this parent to handle the pain that they were in, they would have gradually lost touch with their feelings and number of their needs and, over time, developed a disconnected, unfeeling, inflated and idealised false self. This would have been a self that had very little to do with what they were like but it would have allowed them to handle a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Natural Outcome

What this shows is that how their parent treated them as a child and treats them now is not personal. It is simply a way for them to make sure that the pain that they are carrying is not unlocked.

This is not to say that they are consciously aware of what is going on as they are likely to be completely oblivious to what is taking place. If they were aware of what was going on, this defence wouldn’t work.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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