Although someone can want to experience intimacy, it doesn’t mean that they have been able to experience it. So, they might have spent a fair amount of time on their appearance and spent time socialising but not been able to make much progress.

This could be something that has been going on for a number of years, which will have had a negative impact on their wellbeing. But, as they will have the need to connect deeply to other human beings and not be able to fulfil this need, this is to be expected.

Two Sides

This could mean that they don’t have any close friends, or this could be something that is only an issue when it comes to their love life. If they do have a close friend who they can open up to and share their inner world with, it could make what is going on more bearable.

The reason for this is that they will have at least one person in their life who they can deeply connect to. However, if they don’t have anyone in their life who they can open up to and share their inner world with, this need is not going to be met.

External Feedback

Assuming that they do have at least one close friend, if they were to talk to them about what is going on for them, they could be told that they are just unlucky, for instance. In this case, they will just need to hang in there and wait until their luck changes.

Additionally, their friend could tell them that they are a great person and talk about all of the things that they have going for them. They might also talk about their weakness but say that no one is perfect.

Another Experience

Alternatively, they could tell their friend about what is going on and their friend could suggest something. Their friend could say that when they next go on a date, they will also come along but they won’t act like they know them or be very close.

They could say that this will allow them to see how they behave and find out if there is anything that they are doing to hold themselves back. After thinking about this for a little while, they could agree to what their friend has suggested.

A Helping Hand

So, after they have been on a date and their friend also came along, they could both end up getting together and talking about what happened. This can be a time when their friend will have a number of insights to share with them.

This friend can say, in one way or another, that they were very different and that the person who they know, didn’t show up. They could say that they didn’t share too much about themselves and were emotionally distant.

A Pattern

Moreover, they could also say that they were not affectionate throughout the date and didn’t give their date a hug at the end. Their friend could say that they will do the same thing again to get a clear idea about what is going on.

If they were to do this, they could find that the experience is more or less the same. After this, their friend could suggest that they reflect on their behaviour and look into why they behave in this way.

A Closer Look

At this point, they could think about how they behave and wonder why they are this way. They could think about what was going on for them when go on a date and find that they don’t feel comfortable opening up and have the need to keep their distance.

Still, they could struggle to understand why they are this way and feel deeply frustrated. Nonetheless, if they were to think about what it was like for them during their formative years, they might gradually be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together, to so speak.

Back In Time

This may have been a time when they didn’t feel safe around their mother and perhaps their father and had the need to defend themselves. The reason for this is that one or both of their parents might have been verbally and physically abusive and emotionally volatile.

As a result of this, the person or people who were supposed to love, care for and protect them were the ones who were terrorising them. The trouble was that as they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to defend themselves or to run away and find a family who could provide them with what they needed.

The Outcome

Consequently, their only option was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs, and thus, lose touch with their own body. By leaving themselves, as opposed to leaving their environment, it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of the harm that was being done to them and the pain that they were in.

Along with this, they would have developed the need to keep people at a distance as their underdeveloped brain would have come to associate human contact as a threat to their survival. At this stage of their development, they were unable to see that how their parent or parents behaved was not a reflection of how every human being would behave.

A New Reality

Ultimately, how their parent or parents, or anyone else for that matter treated them throughout this stage of their life was not a reflection of their worth or lovability. It was likely to be a reflection of how wounded one or a number of people were.

For their life to change, they are going to need to feel safe being in their body and expressing who they are and to learn to trust, perhaps for the first time. The inner work that they will need to do to achieve this will take courage, patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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