Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Believe That He Will Be Free After His Mother Has Passed On?

Even though a man will be free to live his own life, it doesn’t mean that he will feel this way. Instead, he can feel as though his mother owns him and is then in control of what he does or doesn’t do.

From this, it will be clear that he doesn’t feel loved and supported by his mother. She is then going to be someone who is having a negative impact on his life, as opposed to a positive impact.

Stepping Back

However, as he is a man, not a boy, it could be said that his mother has no control over him and he doesn’t need her love or support. Therefore, if he wanted to draw the line and live his own life, he could.

Of course, if he was a powerless and dependent boy, she would have control over him and he would need her love and support. But, while this will be the truth, it is not going to be something that he will realise.

External Feedback

If he were to talk to a friend about what is going on for him, for instance, they could also make this clear. They could say that he is here to live his own life and that he has the power to do this.

He could agree with what they say but this might not have much of an impact on him. Shortly after this conversation, he could soon return to the state that he was in before and continue to see life in the same way.

The Norm

When he is doing things for his mother, he could feel frustrated and angry, and helpless and hopeless. And, when he is not doing things for her, he could feel the same but he could also go into a collapsed physical state.

When he feels low, he could wonder why he is alive and even think about calling it a day. What this will illustrate is that this is a time when he is in a place of total despair and is unable to see a way out of the hole that he is in.

A Way Out

What might also often cross his mind is that, if he doesn’t call it a day, the only way that his life will change is if his mother passes on. Now, his mother might be unwell or she might not be but, either way, he might have to wait a very long time for this to happen.

Until this point, then, he will have to behave in the same way and continue to watch his life pass him by in the process. If it was possible for him to put his life on hold, it wouldn’t matter how long he waited but this is not an option.

What’s going on?

At this point, it can seem strange why he is in a position where he feels totally powerless and doesn’t have a sense of his own power. What is clear is that he looks like an adult but he doesn’t feel like one.

If he were to look back on his life, he could soon find that he has more or less always felt this way. Additionally, he could see that he has also had the need to be there for his mother and ignore himself.

Back In Time

There is a strong chance that the experience he is having as an adult is a continuation of how it was for him during his childhood. This is likely to be a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

He would then have been forced to adapt to her needs and be who she wanted him to be. This would have meant that he had to lose touch with his feelings and a number of his needs and, thereby, become estranged from his true self.

The Outcome

As he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to grow and develop in the same way. Throughout this stage of his life, he would have felt helpless and hopeless and he was helpless and hopeless – there was nothing that he could do.

If, on the other hand, he had had an attuned and nurturing mother, he would have typically felt loved, supported, wanted and valued, among other things. This would have allowed him to develop a strong and boundaried sense of self.

It’s over

Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent child but, as he will still be carrying most if not all of the pain and unmet developmental needs that he had to repress all those years ago, he won’t know this. He will feel the same and how things were will be projected onto his present, causing him to feel as though he still has no control and is helpless.

For this to change, he is going to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.
​
Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.