Putting Others First or showcasing our “Good” deeds?

Article
Renee L Richardson

Putting Others First or showcasing our “Good” deeds?

As I sit and reflect on my experiences with sexual relations, I have found that I have performed such more so for my partner than for myself. For instance, I enjoy the concept of having sex but the actual acts of which I have encountered has mainly been unenjoyably gruesome in that I concluded with feeling disrespected. When sex comes to my mind, I think about two individuals/consenting individuals enjoying the passion associated with sharing the moments of which the two of you become one. However, through reflection, such has not been the case.

Instead of feeling refreshed after sex, I find that I feel drained, used, abused and ashamed of myself for participating. As I have discussed such with female colleagues, female family members and female friends, they too share the experiences of sex in association with shame, disrespect and regret. What has become of the acts of sexual relations in current day society?

As I further researched, I found that there are various categories associated with sexual relations:

1. You have the immature woman who is having sex for the sake of doing it
2. You have the “people pleasing” woman who engages in sexual relations to pacify her mate
3. You have the overwhelmed female who uses sex as a means of coping with issues (to feel better- sex as a means to medicate feelings)
4. You have the teenaged female who has sex to prove that she is now an adult

When I finished observing and interviewing females, I had to ask myself what category I fit into. I find that at different point within my life, I have fit neatly into each of the categories listed above. Then the personal question became: “why am I engaging in something of which my main purpose is to please or prove something to someone other than myself”? What is in it for me?

By no means am I stating that while engaging in sex that such did not feel good, at times it did and there were the time of which it did not. However, I am merely pointing out that my need to please others extended beyond my giving of material possessions, money, emotional investment but it even included me giving my body as well.
See, with “people pleasers”, we give of ourselves/possessions to receive gratification and temporarily such may suffice but not for the long haul.

Women, what is the void of which needs to be filled that leaves us clueless as to why nothing works? What in our childhoods are responsible for the huge hole that keeps us slaves to the rhythm? Just maybe if I pretend as though his insults do not hurt me, our relationship will last, just maybe if I buy him a brand new car, he will provide the thing(s) that I am missing, maybe if I give him all the sex he wants (regardless of how it is hurting me physically/emotionally), he will not look to outside sources for pleasure. Do these examples sound familiar?

Beware of the triggers of which contribute to the “people pleasing” behaviors in that such does not often operate on a conscious level. Think back to the first time that you can remember disappointing your parent(s) or caregiver; that time of which you felt as though you let them down beyond repair. Can you remember the things that you attempted in light of making it up to them or proving that such would never occur again? As adults, we are still paying for that very first painful experience as we continuously engage in the cycle of proving that we are selfless individuals of which place others first out of the kindness of our hearts or are we using others as a tool in the attempt to showcase of “good deeds” in light of proving to ourselves that we are good individuals. Think back to the little child in you that is desperate to show mommy/daddy that you are good but look at how others are treating me; sort of like the blame game in light of justifying ill behaviors.