People Pleasing: Can Someone Have The Need To Please Others If They Experienced Developmental Trauma?

Just because someone is an individual, with their own needs and feelings, it doesn’t mean that they generally act like one. In general, they could do what they can to please others.

As a result of this, it will be as if they are here to serve the needs of others, not to have their own life. However, this could be something that is so normal that they are not aware of what is going on.

Two Parts

On one hand, there is going to be how they present themselves and, on the other, there is going to be what they do for others. When it comes to the former, they could typically come across as needless, easy-going and happy.

And, when it comes to the latter, they are likely to spend a lot of time doing things for others. This will mean that how they come across is not going to reflect who they really are and their own life will be neglected.

Another Part

If they are in a relationship, they are likely to spend a lot of their time focusing on and doing things for them. But, even if they are not in a relationship, there can be what they do for their family and friends.

Therefore, if they are in a relationship, there are going to be a lot of people in their life who receive their time and energy. Either way, they are not going to have much time and energy for themselves.

A Half-Life

When it comes to their own life, then, it is going to be deprived of the attention and energy that is needed for it to be fulfilling. Their job could be soul-destroying, or it could be a job that they enjoy but they might not have been able to make much progress.

If they are in a relationship, they could be with someone who is not right for them. As for their friendships, these are likely to be more like parent-child relationships.

Stepping Back

Now, if something was to happen that allowed them to see what is going on, what could soon stand to is that they have a strong need to please others. In fact, this will be so strong that it is causing them to abandon themselves.

It is then not something that is having a minor impact on their life; it is having a major impact on it. Before long, what could also stand out is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

An Actor

Behaving in this way is not going to be serving them but they could find that they are unable to just change their behaviour. It could be as though they are being forced to behave in this way by something or something ‘out there’.

And, if they were to simply imagine behaving differently, this could be a time when they would experience anxiety and fear. With what is going on for them, it is not going to be a surprise if they feel pretty hopeless and helpless.

One Outlook

At this point, it could be said that there is no need for them to be so focused on others and so out of touch with themselves. As, ultimately, being more in balance will mean that they will be able to freely express themselves and live a life that is worth living.

Nonetheless, due to what takes place when they imagine changing their behaviour, not being who others want them to be and not being there for them will be seen as a threat to their survival. One way of looking at this would be to say that what is going on for them is irrational.

Going Deeper

Yet, if what took place during their formative years was looked at and explored, it might soon make complete sense. This might have been a stage of their life when were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle not receiving the attunement and love that they needed, they would have been forced to develop a disconnected false self. This would have involved them repressing their feelings and a number of their needs and living on the surface of themselves.

Self-Alienation

The priority of this false self would have been to focus on their parent or parent’s needs and to be there for them. This would have been a way for them to avoid being rejected and/or abandoned and perhaps harmed and to try to be loved.

At this stage of their life, they were powerless and totally dependent, which is why they had no other choice. But, while adapting in this way allowed them to survive, it would have deeply wounded them and separated them from their true self.

A Brutal Time

Many, many years will have passed since they were a child, of course, but below their false self will be a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs. How they are behaving is then not serving them and is causing them to suffer, but it is playing a big part in what is keeping this pain and these needs outside of their conscious awareness and allowing them to keep it together and function.

With this in mind, how they are behaving is completely rational and simply changing their behaviour and their thoughts and beliefs is not going to be enough. They are going to have a lot of pain to face and work through and developmental needs to experience.

Awareness
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If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer