Although someone is a separate human being with their own needs, feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Instead, they can feel like they are simply an extension of others.

Due to this, they are not going to have the sense that they own themselves, they will feel as though other people do. This then means that they won’t be in control of themselves; other people will be in control of them.

The outcome

Consequently, when it comes to what they do or don’t do, it will generally be defined by what other people want them to do. However, this can be something that is so normal, that they are not even aware of what is going on.

But, as they are not acting like a separate human being and are neglecting themselves, they are likely to experience a fair amount of anger and frustration. Yet, as they don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves, they are likely to ignore these feelings.

Weighed Down

The outcome of this is that they can have the tendency to feel very low and depressed. By not understanding what is going on, they could conclude that they simply suffer from depression and have mental health issues.

What will also play a part in how low they feel is being walked over and doing things that they don't want to do. Understandably, being used and violated on a regular basis is going to have a negative impact on their wellbeing.

Waking Up

Now, if they started to become aware of what is going on, it doesn’t mean that they would just be able to change how they behave. They will then want to change, but they will still feel compelled to behave in the same way.

At this point, they can believe that they are nothing more than a slave and that they will never be able to freely express themselves. If they were to imagine that they no longer behaved in this way and did what they wanted to do, they could feel anxious and fearful.

The All-Clear

Therefore, they are not going to feel safe enough to change their behaviour. If they were to go deeper into how they feel, they could find that they fear that they will be harmed and/or rejected and abandoned if they don’t behave in the same way.

For them to act like an individual, then, they are going to need permission. Without this, it will be as if their life is under threat and they won’t survive.

Another Element

Along with this, they can find that they don’t believe that they are worthy of freely expressing themselves and having their own life. So, as they don’t feel safe enough or worthy of experiencing life differently, it is not a surprise that their life is this way.

What can also make it difficult for them to change their life is that they might not have a good connection with their needs and feelings. Without access to this inner guidance, they won’t know what to do with their life.

What’s going on?

It can seem strange as to why their life would be this way, but, if their early years were taken into account, it might soon make complete sense. Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent who wasn’t able to see them as a separate human being who had their own needs, feelings and life to lead.

To this parent, they might have been seen as nothing more than an object that they had complete control over. It then wouldn’t have mattered if they wanted to do something as they would have typically had to do as they were told.


Being taken advantage of and violated would have been the norm as opposed to the exception. Not being provided with the love that they needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them.

And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, the only way that they could handle what was going on was by repressing how they felt and a number of developmental needs. This wouldn’t have stopped them from being mistreated but it would have stopped them from being aware of the pain that this was causing them.

The meaning

The downside to this is that they would have left their body and lost touch with a number of their needs and feelings. Another part of this is that, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what was going on.

It was then not that this parent was unable to see them as a separate individual and love them; no, it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. Most likely, this parent was a deeply wounded human being who had also been seen as an object during their early years.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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