Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Father Abandon Himself?

At first, a man who is entangled with his mother might have focused on the impact that she is having and had on him. The reason for this is that it would have been clear that she is having and did have a big effect on him.

But, as time has passed, it might have become clear that there is the impact that his father is having and/or did have. He will then know that how both of his parents behaved during his formative years played a big part in the experiences that he had and is now having.

Black and white

When he first thought about the part that his father played, he might not have been able to accept that he played a part. He might have believed, for instance, that his father was essentially a victim who had no control.

As a result of this, his father would have been in the same position as him and wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. He might have felt sorry for his father and even wished that he could have helped him.

A Different View

Nonetheless, by understanding that his father was a man, not a boy and could have done something about what was going on, he could have ended up feeling let down and betrayed by his father. But, as his father was a man and not a boy and had the ability to do something about what was going on, this is to be expected.

Now that he is at this stage, he can believe that his father simply didn’t want a son and/or him and this is why he wasn’t there for him. He can then feel rejected, unwanted, worthless, and unlovable.

Cast Aside

But, based on how his father behaved, it is not going to be a surprise for him to come to this conclusion. This won’t just be what he has come to believe as an adult, though, it will be what he came to believe as a child.

At this stage of his life, due to being egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. The meaning that an underdeveloped child made, then, will have laid the foundations for what he now believes as an adult.

A limited Point of view

However, the truth is that the meaning he has as an adult and made as a child has no basis in reality. And, if he was able to go back in time and observe the life that his father lived, this might soon start to stand out.

For example, if he was to pay attention to how he behaves around his mother, when he is at work and around his friends, he could see that his father is generally not there for himself. He can typically act as though he is an extension of his son’s mother and not express his own needs or stand up for himself.

A Key Understanding

Assuming that this is what he was to see, it will be clear that his father wasn’t able to be there for himself, let alone anyone else. It was then not that he just chose to turn his back on his son; it was that he couldn’t be there for his son.

If, on the other hand, he was able to be there for himself, it would have been possible for him to be there for his son. This would have meant that he acted like an individual and was in his power.

A Consequence

There is a chance that his father had turned his back on himself before he had even met his son’s mother. Therefore, it wouldn’t have mattered what his son was like as he wouldn’t have been able to support, protect and encourage him.

If he had had a daughter, for instance, she would have also been deprived of her father’s support, protection and encouragement. Ultimately, his father was a beaten down man and this is why he ended up with a woman who walked over him.

Back In Time

What this can illustrate is that during his father’s early years, his father might not have been around. Or, his father might have been around but he might have been emotionally unavailable and controlled by his mother.

Along with this, his mother may have seen him as an extension of herself and used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have received what he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One Generation to Another

His childhood would then have greatly undermined him and, as he wasn’t able to deal with any of his inner wounds, for whatever reason, he played a part in passing on what was done to him or something that was very similar. This could be something that goes back for a number of generations.

The key point here is that what his father experienced wasn’t about him and what he experienced as a child wasn’t about him either. For him to know this at the core of his being, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.