The other day, someone left a comment on a video that I had made about a mother-enmeshed man. They essentially asked me if a man in this position would be different if he dated a woman who was from a different racial group.

This was not something that I had been asked before and I thought that it was a very good question. After this, I thought about how I haven’t been asked if a man in this position would be different if he was attracted to men.

The Connection

So, if a man were to date or be in a relationship with a woman who looked very different to his mother, it can seem as though there would be no reason for him to see her as his mother. And, in the same way, if he were to date or be in a relationship with a man, once again, it can seem as though there would be no reason for him to see him as his mother.

Due to this, if he was to go with a woman like this, or was to go with another man, this area of his life would be radically different. If a man is not aware of how he sees his mother in other women but has had a lot of issues with women, he could even believe that it will be different if he goes with a woman who belongs to a different racial group.

One outcome

He could look for a woman locally, or he could end up visiting another country. If he does visit another country and meets a woman who he is attracted to and who is attracted to him, he could believe that this area of his life will now be different.

He could spend a lot of time thinking about how different she is from the women that he has been with before. If he has friends who have also had a number of challenging relationships, he could suggest that they do the same thing.

One Outcome

Now, regardless of whether a man finds a woman locally or goes to another country, he might not see her as his mother and he could have a fulfilling relationship. What he could do is end up playing out the issues that he has with his mother with another woman.

He could end up being unable to see a female colleague clearly and play out some of the issues with her that he has not resolved in relation to his mother. As challenging as this might be, at least it’s not something that he is experiencing in this primary relationship.

Another Outcome

However, although it might seem as if a man wouldn’t see a woman from a different racial group as his mother and would behave differently, this is unlikely. What needs to be kept in mind is that another woman is not his mother and yet, he still sees her as his mother.

Therefore, if he sees another woman as his mother, why would it matter if he goes for a woman that has different facial features or skin colour, for instance? If it was just about a woman’s appearance, there would be no reason for him to see his mother in another woman.

Going Deeper

Logically, it doesn’t make any sense for a man to see his mother in another woman. Clearly, other than the fact that she is the same sex, another woman is not his mother and hasn’t got anything to do with her.

Nonetheless, while what is going on won’t appear to make any sense, it will start to make sense if it is understood that he has both a conscious and an unconscious mind. His conscious mind has a sense of time but his unconscious mind doesn’t have a sense of time.

And, thanks to how impactful his unconscious mind is, it will also influence how his conscious mind perceives the present moment. This other, hidden part of him, his unconscious mind, not only has no sense of time but is also blind.

Joining the Dots

Thus, as this part of him has no sense of time and is unable to see clearly, it makes it possible for him to unknowingly project his mother into someone who has no connection to his mother – another woman. What matters, and this is why it doesn’t matter if a man in this position is attracted to men, is that he is attracted to the woman.

When he was a boy, he was also, in a way, attracted to his mother, but this wasn’t a sexual attraction, of course. It was an attraction that was based on him being dependent on her and needing her to meet his needs.

A Replay

When he is attracted to a woman and ends up dating or having a relationship with her, he will unconsciously see her as his mother, and this part of him won’t realise that she is not his mother. This attraction that he feels toward her will be made up of many elements and he will be trying to receive what he was unable to receive all those years ago.

At this level, he won’t know that she is not his mother and that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. For him to no longer look for what he missed out on, he will need to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet developmental needs that he had to repress.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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