Father Wounds: Can A Man Disconnect From His Masculinity If He Had An Abusive Father?

For as long as a man can remember, he may see that he has been passive, easy-going, and found it hard to assert himself. Consequently, he will have most likely spent a lot of time around people who are the complete opposite.

He may find that he has spent a lot of time around both men and women who are very different to him. Unlike him, these people will have been active, anything but easy-going and able to assert themselves.

Two Responses

When he has been around someone like this, he may find that he usually responds in one of two ways. He can either admire how another person is, or he can end up feeling a deep sense of frustration.

If the first instance, he will be getting a sense of what it would be like to express himself and, in the second, he will be aware of the fact that this is not taking place. Experiencing life in this way is going to mean that he won’t feel as though he has control over his life.

A Lack of Power

One way of looking at this experience would be to say that he lacks the oomph that is needed to stand his ground and to truly embrace life. As experiencing life in this way will be the norm, he may even believe that he was born this way.

What this will show is that it is not possible for him to remember what took place during his early years. Or, if he can connect to this stage of his life, he may say that it wasn’t that bad and that his parents did the best they could, for instance.

A Vital Piece of Information

For him to understand why he experiences life in this way, he will need to reconnect to what took place during his formative years. Through doing this, he will start to connect the dots, so to speak.

It won’t matter that this stage of his life is over and he is now an adult, as what took place will have left a big mark on his whole being. What this shows is that time alone won’t allow him to move on from what happened.

A Different Experience

At the same time, he might remember that this stage of his life was very hard and not want to dwell on it. If he was to think about it, he might end up experiencing a number of uncomfortable feelings and his body might start to tighten up.

Irrespective of whether he is unable to connect to what happened or can connect to some, if not all of what took place, his body will remember. This part of him will carry the pain that he experienced all those years ago.

A Deeper Look

When he was a boy, he wouldn’t have lived in an environment where it was safe for him to grow and develop. Instead, this would have been somewhere where he often felt as though his life was going to come to an end.

So, although he wouldn’t have been in a warzone, he had would have had a very similar experience. What he went through would have probably been hard for an adult to handle, let alone a small and dependent child.

A Scary Figure

His father would have physically abusive and he may have even been verbally abusive too. As for his mother, she might have been just as abusive or she may have been beaten down and incapable of doing anything about what was going on.

He may have been hit by something in particular or his father may have used a certain body part, with this being something that took place on a weekly, if not daily, basis. The person who was supposed to provide him with the safety, security, encouragement and support that he needed would have regularly traumatised him.

A Constant Battle

Fighting back (fight response) or running (flight response) away wouldn’t have been an option; the only thing he would have been able to do was to leave his body (dissociation). This would have been the only way for him to handle the pain that he was in and not be overwhelmed.

Additionally, his body would have often seized up (freeze response) and he may have often been submissive (fawn response). Due to how undeveloped he was, he would have just had to tolerate what was going on.

Two Parts

These responses allowed him to survive but his whole being would still have been harmed. Ultimately, this was a time in his life when he needed a peaceful and loving environment so he could grow, not to have to fight to survive.

What took place would have caused him to lose touch with his feelings and, as a result of this, his body and it would have caused him to develop a very negative view of power or his masculine element. He may have even come to view his own gender in a negative light.

Self-Rejection

As his father used his strength in a very destructive way, he will see strength as something that is bad. The part of him that would allow him to change his life is then going to be kept at a distance.

Deep down, he will believe that if he embraces this part of him, he will be like the man who caused so much harm and he would also cause harm. His father provided him with a very negative model when it comes to power.

A New Inner Model

For him to change his life, he will need to get back into his body and to change the associations that he has formed around power and his masculine element. The truth is that the masculine element is neutral; it all depends on how this element is expressed.

It could be said that how a man, or a woman, expresses their masculinity will depend upon their level of consciousness. If they are in a good way, it will be used to serve, and if they are not, it will be used to cause harm.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this, and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for externals support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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It will be important for him to reflect on the fact that how he was treated had nothing to do with him or his value as a human being. It was simply a reflection of what was going on for his father, and there is the chance that his father was also abused in the same way by his father.