After the Divorce; How To Recover

LESSON ONE: Dealing With the Anger

Begin this first lesson by writing down your feelings about your divorce in your journal. Don’t say “I can’t do this” or “I don’t know what to write”. You know what is in your heart and what you feel.
1. Was there another person involved in the break-up of
your marriage? Was this someone that you knew? How did you find out about the involvement?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. What did you feel? Did you feel betrayed by your spouse; by the other person? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Were you ready for your marriage to end anyway? Did you feel relieved? Had you already come to the conclusion that this relationship could not be salvaged?_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. I want you to answer all of these questions until you feel you have nothing more to write. (You may attach other sheets as necessary).

Now that you have answered these questions in your journal you can begin to look back at your marriage in honesty. Was divorce the only outcome of your situation? Looking back on the years of the marriage please write in your journal the positive things about your marriage. It does not matter how small something may seem; write it down. Once you have completed this task, we will move on to the next step in the grieving process:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You are in the phases of grief now and you must take each step as slowly as you need to do so. It is understandable to feel uncertain about life. You have discovered that the person you intended to spend your life with is not the person you thought you married. You may find it difficult to accept that the marriage is finished; this is not unusual.

1. Do you feel as if the break-up was entirely your fault and that you could have done something to prevent it?

2. Do you feel ANGER?

3. At whom are you directing this anger; yourself or your former spouse?

4. What are the major categories of this anger?

a. Are you angry because either you or he had an affair?
b. Are you angry because he left you for seemingly no reason
at all?

5. Is your anger directed at the loss of possessions?
6. Do you feel as if the home that you decorated and cared for
should belong to you rather than to him?
7. Have you considered how the home was originally purchased and decorated?
Did you pay for any of this yourself or was it purchased by his salary/money?
8. Do you think that a more fair or equitable division of property could have been made?
9. Are you angry because he is going to be living with someone else in the house you considering YOURS?
10. Have you been granted alimony and/or child support? Are you angry at how little you are receiving or are you angry that YOU have to pay support to HIM?

(Identify the source of the anger and document it so that you can begin to work through it).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a mourning process after a relationship ends.
You will miss the good times you had with your partner or the friends and family that you socialized with. You may even miss your lifestyle. Continued anger keeps you stuck as a victim of circumstances and filled with negative thoughts, defensive behavior, blame and excuses. Anger has been known to cause a normally quiet person to become ill or vent his/her anger on others.

Once you have dealt with your anger you can be accountable for your results- for example, take leadership; create positive behavior and get results.

This will allow you to be more proactive than reactive with your EX . This will create less conflict.

A very important point is that you should never use your children as a weapon in your anger against your spouse. The children are the innocent by-product of this failed marriage. They will be hurt enough by the divorce without using them as pawns. You must always treat your children with love. Let them know that they were a product of love and just because you are no longer together it does not mean that you do not still love them equally. Help your child to know that you both will always be in his/her life. Nothing will ever change the fact that you are your child’s mother and father. Try to work through your issues in order to always put your child’s welfare first.

Perhaps using your affirmations in times of stress or to remind yourself to pursue your new life in a positive manner will help you remember this.

AFFIRMATIONS

My child is the most important person in my life.
I will be civil at all times to my EX because my child is a product of our life together.

I will never allow my child to become a pawn in a battle between me and my EX.

I wake up a little stronger

I have a new attitude that brings new life.

I am worthy of love
I am worthy of a partner

I am worthy of a loving family

Worrying about what is going to happen in the future is a waste of your energy. You will either take one road or another. You will be the person who determines which road you take. Don’t worry about “what if” you had done one thing or another. This type of mental wrestling is difficult to stop once you start it. If you are the type of person who spends 75% of her time worrying about “what if”, then this exercise is for you:

Take a 2 liter plastic drink bottle that is empty and rinse it out carefully and replace the cap on the top. Make a slit that is long enough to push a quarter through it in the neck of the bottle. Tape a sign to the front of the bottle that says “Every time I worry needlessly about “what if” something happens I will deposit a quarter in this bottle.”

This will motivate you to think before you say “what if” or before you start to worry needlessly about something that might or might not happen in the future.

If you learn nothing else from this first lesson, you need to learn that ANGER in a post-divorce situation is counterproductive. Anger will keep you from healing and it can eventually cause problems with the rest of your life .It is not easy to forgive and forget; I am the first one to admit that. You CAN forgive – it takes some willingness on your part and a little effort.
In order to stress the importance of releasing this anger and working through the pain of divorce, I am going to ask that you do a guided meditation each evening when you have a few minutes of quiet time. This meditation is an exercise in leaving your mind and looking back at it in an analytical manner. If you can ask yourself why you are angry and talk it out with a spirit entity you can learn to release the bad energy that has formed in your life and threatens to damage your future.

Guided Meditation/Imagery
Meditation will allow you to get into your inner self and feel the love in your heart.

Begin by doing breathing exercises: Take 5 deep breaths. Breathe in from your nose and our through your mouth. As you breathe in say “I breathe in peace and breathe out calm.”
Visualize a calm place or a body of water. Keep this picture in your mind for approximately 8 minutes. If you lose concentration slowly bring your mind back to your place of peace. After the 8 minutes, visualize a large screen in front of your eyes. On that screen picture what you desire or want. Hold this image for about 15 minutes and (gradually extend the time during each meditation period). Slowly bring yourself back to your calm place or body of water and gently open your eyes.
(Note: In the beginning you may find it challenging to keep the concentration for the recommended time period. This is okay. Do it for as long as you can (even if it is only 5 minutes) and increase the time each day.
Every Day:
• Re-read your lesson for the week.
• Practice your affirmations.
• Do the meditation morning and night (repeat whenever you feel stressed).