Trust in Marriage

A bridge spans the gap between two locations. Trust in marriage spans the gap between two individuals. 4 ½ years ago, my heart was broken with betrayal in my marriage. A huge chasm spanned the space between me and my husband. My trust in Mike was completely shattered. All I could do was take baby steps of forgiveness.

Creating a trusting relationship out of that horrible void was the challenge that loomed ahead. Today, I can say that we have experienced the miracle of re-built trust. It is possible to re-establish trust in marriage! Here’s what we learned …

For the one who has been betrayed – Unfair as it may seem, it’s true. God asks us to go against our self-preservation instinct and trust Him. Trust Him with the ultimate outcome and resist the urge to run or build a deep, self-protective wall. That way you are giving the offender the opportunity to re-build the bridge from their end.

If restoration is what you really want, there is no other option. Ask God to give you strength and grace to do simply this. To the betrayer I would say it is up to you to re-build the bridge of trust from your end.

1. Confess your sin – Restoring trust in marriage begins by being honest and open. This is your chance to get it right. Don’t blow it!

2. Take full responsibility – Re-establishing trust in marriage also involves not blaming others, offering excuses or being defensive. In Christ, there is NO excuse for any of us to fall, even though we still do. Other people are not our standard of righteousness. Jesus is.

3. Accept the pain you've caused – Allow those you’ve hurt to tell you the anguish your actions have caused, without fear of your negative response. Until you realize the devastation you’ve caused, you really can’t repent with the appropriate depth of grief. Don’t deny or diminish the feelings of those you’ve betrayed.

4. Process together – Don’t retreat to your tower and say, “I’ll work it out and then get back to you.” Most likely, isolation is a big reason you’re in this mess. It’s time to do the hard work of building a real, open relationship.

5. Fellowship with a local Christian community – If it’s not practical to continue to attend the church you are currently in, be sure to find a local church. No matter how difficult it may be, the community of believers is a part of God’s process for healing.

I respect Mike immensely for consistently doing what’s right in the midst of the shame, anger, and pain of the consequences of his sin. By the grace of God, he and I were able to develop a stronger bridge of transparency and trust in our marriage … and so can you!!