Questions to Ask Yourself After Forgiving

Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with - or married to - the person who hurt you. It simply means that you have reached a feeling of peace about the person or situation and have discharged your anger or resentment.

The decision to take action after someone has hurt you is always a better one if you can wait until you have forgiven, at least in part. This is because your heart and mind are clear of dark emotions that dim your decision-making ability.

So, you've gone through the process to forgive and have released much of your lingering anger and resentment. Now, how do you decide whether to take action or do nothing, and what action should you take? Here are some questions to ponder:

What do I want to accomplish with my actions?

Define what the ideal outcome would be. In a circumstance that involves criminal or unethical behavior, you may wish to prevent the perpetrator from hurting someone else or prevent that person from hurting you or your family again. Or, you may wish to change aspects of your relationship so that you protect yourself from further hurt.

An example: You forgive your spouse for charging too much on credit cards and amassing a large debt. You would like to get out of debt, so you ask your spouse to commit to a budget and create a plan for paying off what you owe.

What are the chances of accomplishing my goal?

Once you have defined what you want to accomplish with your action, how likely are you to achieve it? If you are thinking of taking legal action against someone, research similar cases or seek the advice of an attorney to help you decide the best course of action. If the risk of not attaining your goal is high, you may choose to take another course of action.

Is the other person capable of hearing my concerns and making a change in their behaviors?

In this discernment question, you attempt to calibrate the ability of the other person to

a) hear what you have to say with a receptive ear and

b) to be able to make behavioral changes.

If the other person is incapable of helping you accomplish your goal, perhaps you should act differently or not at all.

For example, if your best friend hurt you by criticizing your teenage son's new nose ring and you know she is sensitive to confrontation, is it really worth jeopardizing your friendship by speaking to her about it, or should you just shrug it off?

How will I feel if I DON'T take action?

You may think that you need to stand up for values or beliefs that are important to you, and it would be a sin of omission if you didn't act or speak up.

How much is this relationship worth to me?

If the relationship is a close and important one, like with your spouse or your boss, it is probably worth speaking up or doing something about the situation. If, however, you can simply walk away from the relationship, sometimes that is the better part of valor.

In some instances, ending the relationship is the best way to honor yourself and your needs. If you do decide to end the relationship, you serve yourself in the spirit of forgiveness rather than out of malice or spite. And that is the biggest challenge of all - to walk away after taking the chip off your shoulder.

What does Source want me to do?

Getting down on your knees and asking for God's guidance in prayer or meditation is the ultimate determinant of what you should do. How might Source view this situation? What challenge is God presenting you? What action could you take to best follow the path of love?

These questions are only a guide to assisting you in discerning the best course of action or inaction. Listen to the wisdom of your pure and forgiving heart, which reflects God's unconditional love for all. Then take action. Or not.