Intimacy: Can A Woman Be Drawn To Men Who Emotionally Withdraw If She Experienced Early Deprivation?

If a woman is in a relationship, she may have found that the man that she is with has become less available as time has passed. So, during the early stages, he might have soon replied to her messages, called her, generally been available to meet, been affectionate and expressed his inner world, for instance.

But, as the weeks and months have passed, he might have radically changed. If so, it can be as if the man she was with early on has been replaced with another man.

One Outcome

Thanks to what he is like, she might have concluded that he is no longer interested in her. Yet, if he was very warm in the beginning and is now very cold, this is not going to be a surprise.

If she has spoken to a friend or a few friends about this, they might have also said the same thing. What might then cross her mind is that she needs to move on and find another man.

A Low Place

Still, this can be a time when she feels rejected and as though she is not enough. Also, she could feel angry and resentful, with her believing that she has been taken advantage of and used.

But, as his behaviour has radically changed, it could be said that it is to be expected that she would feel this way. What might have made things even worse is if she spoken to him about what is going on and he has denied that he has changed.

Another outcome

Alternatively, she might have the sense that he has pulled away because he feels overwhelmed and needs space. It then won’t just be a case of him having lost interest; there will be more to it.

However, even if she does have this sense, she can still feel rejected and as though she is not enough. She can also feel angry and resentful, and as though she has been taken advantage of and used.

Drawing the Line

Now, irrespective of whether she believes that he is no longer interested or that he has pulled away to protect himself, she could end up calling it a day. What this will do is allow her to gradually find her feet again and feel better about herself.

During this time, she can reflect on this area of her life and, what she might find, is that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who is like this. If this is the case, she could believe that this is just what men are like.

A Natural outcome
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But, if this is a pattern and her friends, for instance, also have the same experiences, why wouldn’t she come to this conclusion? There will be what she wants and then, there will be what she receives.
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Conversely, if she doesn’t come to this conclusion, she could believe that she is just unlucky. This area of her life is then not going to change until her luck changes.

Another Angle

Nevertheless, what if another part of her wants something else, and this is why she continually ends up with men who can’t be there for her? At this point, she could say that this is not true as she wants to be with a man who is physically and emotionally available.

But, if she does respond on this way, what she will need to keep in mind is that in addition to her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, she also has an unconscious mind. This other part of her will be hidden but it will have a big impact on how she experiences life.

Going Deeper

At this level, she can have the need to recreate what it was like for her as a child, in the hope of finally being loved. If this is so, this may have been a stage of her life when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Her mother and/or her father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. She would have seldom, if ever, been seen and heard, supported, encouraged or received the affection that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One Option

To handle this, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. But, while her need to be loved by her parents would have been removed from her conscious awareness, it wouldn’t have been neutralised.

She would have lived in the hope – the false hope – that if she adapted in a certain way and pleased her mother and/or father, she would be loved. The trouble is that as one or both of them had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, they wouldn’t have been able to love her.

The Struggle Continues

Many years will have passed since that stage of her life, of course, but a big part of her will still be trying to receive the love that she missed out on, and being deprived in this way is also likely to be what feels safe. This part of her has no sense of time and is blind, so it won’t realise that it is too late to receive this love and that another man is not her mother and/or father.

Furthermore, as she was egocentric at this stage of her life, she is also likely to have come to believe that she was worthless and unlovable and that her needs and feelings were bad. Taking this into account, for her to no longer look for what she missed out on, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.