Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Mans Father Have A Fear Of Abandonment?

If a man was to see that he is overly focused on his mother, it is not going to be a surprise if he ends up coming to the conclusion that he is this way because of how his mother treated him very early on. The reason for this is that after looking into what took place during his early years, he could see that how he behaves as an adult is a continuation of how he behaved as a child.

Therefore, if his mother had seen him as an individual that had his own needs and feelings and was truly there for him, he wouldn’t need to be this way. It will then be clear that she is responsible for how he has turned out.

The Outcome

As a result of this, he may experience a fair amount of anger, rage and even hate when he thinks about how his mother treated him. At a stage of his life when he was powerless and totally dependent, he would have been taken advantage of.

He needed to be loved by his mother, not used by her and this would have meant that he would have done just about anything to be loved by her. But, as she was unable to truly be there for him and give him the love he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did.

The Same Story

Now that he is an adult, his struggle to be loved by her will have continued. That’s not to say that he will have been aware of this, though, as it is likely to have been something that was outside of his conscious awareness.
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Another part of this is that, deep down, he is likely to fear that he will be rejected and abandoned and that his life will come to an end if focuses on himself and lives his own life. Yet, although this can appear to be something that will happen, it is most likely something that has already happened.

A Traumatic Time

Throughout his early years, he is likely to have been rejected and abandoned on numerous occasions. It then wouldn’t have mattered how focused he was on his mother or what he did as he would have still been greatly wounded.

Yet, as he wouldn’t have been able to handle how he felt and his feelings ended up being repressed, it wouldn’t have been possible for him to integrate what took place. This is then why what has already happened will be seen as something that is about to happen.

Another Factor

Now, if he was to get in touch with how he feels below his anger, rage and even hate, he can experience a lot of softer feelings such as sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and hurt. After he has been working through the layers and layers of pain inside him for a little while, he might end up thinking about his father.

What might play a part in this is that he could think about a friend or a family member that has a very supportive father. Thanks to this, assuming his father was around, he could wonder why his own father didn’t stand up for him and stop his mother from using him.

Two Parts

From this, he might soon realise that as destructive as his mother was, his father also played a part. When it comes to his mother, what she did would have wounded him and when it comes to his father, what he didn’t do would have wounded him

Naturally, if he had stepped in and been there for him, his mother wouldn’t have been able to behave in the same way. Ultimately, his father wasn’t a powerless boy; he was an adult who most likely had the ability to do something.

A natural Reaction

When he thinks about this, he could feel angry and as though he was betrayed by his father. He might wonder if his father actually cared about him and even if he wanted him.

This can be seen as a normal reaction, considering that he wasn’t there for him during a key stage of his life. And, as he was egocentric, what took place is likely to have been seen as a sign that he was worthless and unlovable.

What’s going on?

However, in all likelihood, his father didn’t behave in this way in order to harm him; he behaved in this way to protect himself. Deep down, he may have feared that if he stood up for his son, he would end up being left by his partner.

Turning a blind eye, so to speak, and not doing anything about her behaviour was then a way for him to keep his own fears at bay. Due to how wounded he is, then, it would have prevented him from being able to act like a father, with him being more like his partners son than her equal.

A Deeper Look

What this may illustrate is that his early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when he was often left and deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. When he was a boy, he might have done his best to please his mother and had a father who was also absent, emotionally if not physically.

So, his father, though not receiving what he needed to receive and not working through any of his wounds as an adult, for whatever reason, ended up passing on what was done to him. His son, on the other hand, by being aware of all this and healing his own wounds, can put an end to this generational pattern.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.