How To Find Yourself

How does one find themselves?

On a concrete level this sounds ludicrous. Why don’t you just look in the mirror, or check your GPS. Finding yourself is associated with New Age psychobabble, self help books, spiritual touted gurus, and alleged shamans from Tibet. However there is much truth in this statement and if one would give it just a little bit of thought then we realize that many if not all of us are lost to some degree. From the moment we take our first breath when leaving the womb and we scream from the shock of lights, temperature change, voices, and a rude awakening to life, we are lost. Humans are impressionable, and we are sponges filling our senses with all information we can grab. From genetics to role models, from life trauma to excessive nurturing we are exposed to extremes, drama, crowds and solitude, cold temperatures and the heat of the summer. Yes, the yin and yang of life is experienced daily. Utilitarian philosophers are sure that we are constantly craving happiness. When we are comfortable, we are happy. However who in the hell are we? Why are we so discontent? Why does life trauma kick our emotional ass? Scott Kiloby author of “Love’s Quiet Revolution” eloquently states, “There is no problem outside of thought. There is only a vibrantly alive mystery called life, which is constantly moving within an immovable peace and quietness.” This has been said many times, in many different ways. My mentor and author Dr. Hammerschlag speaks about psycho-neuro-immunology and discusses, it is not the problem that causes the stress, or the sadness, or the anger but how we approach the event. Our thoughts actually cause the problem as per Kiloby. This is so true. In my article on “Introspection” I speak about the importance of stepping outside the body, monitoring your conversation and to look for triggers that increase your emotionality. These triggers influence thoughts, those thoughts will lead to conclusions that are based on past experiences which are often inaccurate.

To “find yourself” is a process that like any process takes time and practice. Most importantly it means you must be aware. One must come to an understanding that even though your memories are just that memories they have shaped you and your beliefs to some degree. This awareness alone is important if you truly realize how tainted our views become by influential experiences, bad and good. Our views, our morals, beliefs, ethics, outlook on sex, intimacy, affection, criteria of friendship are all a result of how we have been molded to think. To modify that means we really need to look at how we have been influenced and if we want to change. In fact, some of those role models may have been a dear loved one, Mother or Father. Oh, my goodness, they surely could not be wrong. Yes, in fact, much of what we may have been taught is distorted. Our parents might have grown up in the thirties and forties. Men, I ask you, did your fathers prepare the supper on the table? Did your dad run the vacuum? Of course not, not for the most part. Cultures change, we change, and views change. Finding who we are is looking at who we were and where we want to go. If we operate under Scott Kilboy’s premise that there are no problems, just thoughts that cause the problem, then finding ourselves is not about placing this conundrum in a thought, but placing it in an existential awareness. One cannot conjure thought without bias. We cannot draw a figure without experiential bias. We cannot converse objectively on politics, sex and religion without our own bias. Imagine two five year olds discussing the dynamics of sharing a piece of cake at a birthday party. It is so pure and intriguing, however, of course there is some bias, for at five they have watched their parents either give or have observed some selfish behavior. When we are children we go through stages of self awareness. There is a time where we think the moon is following us, we are intrigued by our shadow, and how much bigger it is then us, of course at noon on a sunny day it is actually shorter. We are trying to figure out our environment, and our role. Then we experience trauma. It could be a bad grade, sex abuse, a death of a loved one, our first physical fight, or disappointing our parents. We now have a memory, a thought of a past event that can be triggered at a moments notice years later by any sensory stimuli. From then on that non-tangible thought can influence future relationships, friends, and the work place. As Kilboy states, our thoughts determine our sense of self to a degree.

For myself I had to go through many. many failures before I found who in the hell I really was. It took a variety of bad therapists, a couple excellent caring therapists, and then some time with Dr. Hammerschlag author of “Dancing Healers” that I awoke, and I found out who I was. I am a person, who has had a great deal of life trauma, that refused to feel sorry for my plight, that caused me a great deal of fear, anger, and resentment. In order to let go of that resentment and life trauma, I realized that if I did not trust myself, I could not trust others. I realized my distrust was a memory a thought that I carried with me like an old musty piece of luggage. I accepted that my past played a role but did not define me. I could play that losing card if I chose to but I refused. I realized there was something much greater than me that was me. What? Yes, all of life I realized was me, that there is a connectedness, I knew and felt related to all living creatures and trees. Sort of an “Avatar” connectedness. Everyone does not need or must feel this to find themselves, but for me it was a fit that made sense for me, an awakening. To find yourself, there must be a recognition of what brought you to read this page, there must be a reckoning that past trauma should not, and you will not carry it into the present and future. That memories do NOT have to define you. To find yourself is to recognize you have been lost as many are. To find yourself you must place your heart on the compass of life, look fear directly in it’s face and walk down a new path. Yes, it is not easy but the payoff is much more serene than the probable path you have now. Since I have found who in the hell I am, I am more giving, more loving and more accepting of love than ever before. I do not want to mislead, I still get lost, I still falter to memories of past trauma, and past pain. The difference is I know how to regroup and find the new path. I also have a partner in life that knows when I go off course. She rights the ship and I listen. Together we then sail another day. In Peace and Healing……