About a year after ny husband died I began feeling extremely restless. My mind seemed to be skittering from one thing to another. in a way, this was welcome relief from the heaviness of deep sadness and depression.

But something was missing. Of course, comething was missing. My husband was missing. I was missing my husband in a different way.

Somehow, from this agitated state of displaced energy, I decided to try internet dating. A couple of well-meaning friends had suggested it.

It took me some time to figure out the mechanics, since I knew little about computers at that time. I spent time organizing my profile information and coming up with a catchy tagline. I posted my profile and waited for responses. Well, I didn't really wait. I was out there proactively looking for my perfect companion in cyberspace.

I boldly responded to profiles of men who sounded like interesting dating prospects. At one time I was corresponding with eight men at the same time.

I was 51 and hadn't dated in a very long time. The emails led to some actual dates. Let's just say the experience was less than satisfying.

Reflecting back on this time, I see that my restlessness was but another phase of my grief process. My decision to date came from a place of missing my husband's physical companionship.

I wasn't really looking for another man. I was looking for my husband in other men. I believe this fact was evident to these poteitial dating companions. But I was blinded by grief masked as dating energy.

I realized that my skitteering mind was really fulfilling the role of a protective disconnection from my heart and body. I was still lost in grief. It was just wrapped in a different package.

The pain of feeling my grieving body was so overwhelming that I believe my mind was searching for a way to disengage and somehow feel "normal" again.

I realized and acknowledged the ache of missing my husband on a deeper level.

Author's Bio: 

I am a grief coach, specializing in working with women who feel stuck in their grief process and are actively seeking to move beyond grief and into the authentic and abundant life they know they deserve.