If during a man’s early years, his father was rarely available and thus, seldom if ever provided him with the love, support, encouragement and acceptance that he needed, it doesn’t mean that he is no longer looking for his father to meet these needs now that he is an adult. However, if he is still looking for his father to meet these needs, he might not be aware of it.

The reason for this is that these unmet needs could be outside of his conscious awareness. As a result of this, if someone was to say that his unmet developmental needs are having a big impact on his life, he could dismiss what is said.

Another Part

Not only this, he could say that he doesn’t even have unmet developmental needs and that he has moved on from this stage of his life. Moreover, he could even say that his father was there for him at this stage of his life.

If this takes place, it will be as though this was not a stage of his life when he wasn’t deprived of what he needed. There is then going to be what actually took place and what he believes took place.

A Defence

Now, irrespective of if he says that his father was there for him or not, it could seem strange as to why he wouldn’t be aware of the fact that he was deeply deprived at this stage of his life. Yet, although this can seem strange, he is unlikely to have consciously chosen to be this way.

In other words, as he won’t realise that he was deprived, he won’t be choosing to deny this fact. Instead, when he was deprived of what he needed all those years ago, it would have been too much for him to handle and so, he would have had to block out what was taking place, losing touch with his needs in the process.


But, while these needs would have ended up being split off and repressed, they wouldn’t have simply disappeared. No, they would have continued to have an impact on him from behind the scenes, so to speak.

Along with these unmet needs would have been the pain that he experienced by not having a father who was truly here for him, and these needs and this pain would have been redirected and given him a strong drive to do well. At first, he might have felt compelled to do well at school.

The Next Stage

After this period of his life was over, it might not have been long until he was driven to gain certain qualifications. Once he had gained these qualifications, moving forward in his chosen career might have consumed him.

Conversely, he might not have gone this route and may have carved out his own path. For quite some time, then, he may have received a fair amount of positive feedback from others.

One Focus

There is a chance that when he receives approval from men, it has a far greater effect on him than when he receives approval from women. Furthermore, when he receives approval from men in positions of power and who are authority figures, this could have an even greater effect on him.

Due to how much time and energy he directs towards this area of his life, his relationships could be neglected and he might rarely relax or have fun. If he was to slow down and focus on other areas of his life, he could soon experience tension.

The Point of No Return

As the years pass, there could come a time when he no longer has the energy or the desire to behave in this way. If so, he could wonder why he has been so consumed by his need to achieve things and has neglected other areas of his life.

What could stand out is that he has been possessed by a need to achieve, but, no matter how much he does achieve, it doesn’t have much of an impact on him or fill the hole that is inside him. If he was to connect to how he feels, he could find that a big part of him has the need to be loved and accepted by his father.

Two Levels

Without realising it, he will have been trying to receive what he missed out on as a child. At a conscious level, he won’t have seen other people and men in particular at his father, but, at a deeper level, he will have seen them in this way.

But, as his early years have passed, not to mention that these people won’t be his father, it will be too late for him to fulfil these needs. For him to truly move on from this stage of his life and no longer look for what can’t be provided, he will need to grieve his unmet developmental needs.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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