Why Blaming Others undermines our Performance in Life, Business and Sport

Isn’t it interesting when sipping a glass of wine and ‘putting the world’ to rights how clear life can seem? The subject that came up recently whilst ‘discussing life’ was how quick we are to place the blame on others. This was because my friend’s ex boyfriend made a habit of blaming my friend for anything that goes wrong in life and I mean anything. The last time it was because the glove compartment wouldn’t shut and it was my friend’s fault. She only happened to be over 30 miles away at the time. How ludicrous is that!

Yet blaming others is often the cause of many relationship conflicts and it happens in the home, at work, in sport and at school. It keeps people in denial, hinders growth and maturity, leads to lack of forgiveness and turns anger to violence. It robs us of our power to be our best.

Those of us trained in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) discuss ‘Cause and Effect.’ In the world of objects a force acting on an object ‘makes’ it move. However, people are more complex and it is not true that one person can make another person react in a certain way. Those who think that other people can affect their behaviour delete individual choice and freedom of response.

Using the NLP terminology, we say people are at effect when they are looking for excuses. It may be that other people or events become the brunt of the excuse. Regularly we hear the following types of statements from partners, colleagues and team mates when they are at effect:

“I didn’t get that job done because someone made me angry and then I wasn’t in the right frame of mind”

“You always make me feel really stupid and angry!”

“It’s the forwards fault they were just not attacking enough”

When someone is at cause they would think in a more empowering and uplifting way such as:

“I’ve had a great day as I managed to get that job done despite someone deliberately trying to wind me up. I have more important things to do than get annoyed at someone”
The reason why people blame is because it protects their self image. It is a psychological defence mechanism. When blame or fault is projected on someone or something, it stops self analysis. Someone or something else is weak, incapable, lazy, or unworthy. Self image and esteem is maintained. By blaming others the person in effect assumes the position of accuser and feels more in control.

At the Olympics it was so refreshing that the athletes were open, direct, honest, humble and sincere. Some Olympic athletes even apologised to their supporters. For example, Nick Willis who was capable of winning the 1500m came second from last. In his post-race interview, he explained that his legs were "gone" too far out from the finish line and the others ran faster - it was that simple. This is so unlike many other sportsmen who blame the referee, the conditions, players or even the officials!

People have the choice which side of the equation they wish to be on. Obviously most successful people spend their time at cause. As a performance coach working in sport or business the key is to help the individual achieve a ‘winning mindset’ so that they have mental clarity. Battles are won and lost in people’s heads before they are fought is the key to success. A performance coach will ensure that the individual approaches a challenge in the correct way and takes responsibility for their actions. Blaming either themselves or others is left behind.

Research done by a Stanford Psychology professor, Carol Dweck has shown that most people have two types of “mindset”. They either have a ‘Fixed Mindset’ or a ‘Growth Mindset.’ Those that have a fixed mindset believe that positive traits and potential for success are fixed. There are external forces that are going to limit their chances of succeeding. Those with a ‘Growth Mindset’ are more grounded in possibilities. They believe that positive traits and skills can be developed to overcome failures. Losing can be devastating to a ‘Fixed Mindset’ because they will assume that they are just not good enough and put blame on themselves. Those with a Growth mindset will learn from their mistakes and not see them as failure.

Yet we can all achieve a ‘winning mindset’ as anyone can take control of their thoughts and self talk. This will also control the emotions. Even though scientists suggest that the human brain is ‘wired’ to be negative it is possible to reduce the negatives, stop the blame and create positive messages and emotions. A ‘winning mindset’ can then be achieved.