When She Gives Too Much

Hey Doc:

I’ve read your books and read your column every week. I can’t tell you how you’ve change my life! But, I had a question for you that I haven’t seen you write about before: what do you do when your girl gives too much?

She cooks for me every chance she gets, she does my laundry, she makes the bed, does the dishes and cleans up my apartment. She helps me organize my calendar (I’m an attorney with a very active case load) and even helps me organize my files. Sometimes she brings me lunch at the office.

She doesn’t ask for much in return! I take her out on nice dates and we spend quality time together. I’ve taken her car to get it fixed, taken us on some nice vacations and bought her some nice jewelry for her birthday, and she appreciates it all, but I can’t get over the fact that she seems to match everything I do for her!

Here’s what I mean: I love my girlfriend and she loves me, she’s beautiful, smart, sexy – in short, everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. Sounds perfect, right? The problem is that I can’t let go and feel good about all the things she does for me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true!

How can I get over this feeling and just accept what she does for me?

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Hello!

My first concern is that you may not feel worthy of her. As you said, she’s beautiful, smart, sex and “everything [you’ve] ever wanted in a girl”. That sounds like a great thing on the surface, but could it be possible that you don’t believe you deserve all of this?

Many guys strive for having someone like this in their lives only to sabotage it all out of insecurity or the belief that they don’t deserve it. That may be where you are now.

Keep in mind that it’s not really about what she does for you. In fact, that’s her way of telling you how much she cares for you. The far more common letter I get is where a woman simply expects and demands without any contribution or investment on her own. I hear such stupid things as “Well, he’s getting ME!” (as though this clueless bitch was some prize!) only to hear again after a few months that the guy dumped her lazy, self-entitled ass!

You need to start by seeing this through her eyes. Women that are in love show how they feel by investing in their boyfriends in the ways that are most important to them. For instance, your girlfriend knows how busy you are and wants to help ease that burden a little by contributing to your lifestyle.

Many guys are suspect about this. They believe that the girl is leading them somewhere – and sometimes that’s true. On the other hand, many girls simply want to build the life between themselves and the man they love. This is how many women express their good feelings for their partners. Stop thinking of this as a selfish thing on your part, but instead as a chance to let your girl give you her love in her own way.

The bottom line is this: relationships are not built on a balance sheet, but in fact, both people have to contribute in the ways that they can to help things continue to grow and prosper. Don’t try to match; or worse, out-match her on the giving part. That’s not what this is about. Let her show you her love in her own way and you continue to show her yours in your own way. Don’t feel guilty about it – feel empowered by it and know that these are nothing more than pure, unselfish acts of love.

Best regards...
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