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Articles from Sam Vaknin | Selfgrowth.com
- "My Wife's Separate Vacation Spells the Beginning of the End of Our Relationship" - by Submitted on Feb 11, 2013 from Sam VakninSeparate vacations may, indeed, signify the beginning of the end of your relationship - or serve as a boost to its quality and durability. It all depends on several factors: 1. Topical vs. recreational vacations If your wife is addicted to chess and you can't stand the game, she has the ...
Views: 6865(1 vote) - Abuse Victim's New Year Resolutions - by Submitted on Jan 23, 2012 from Sam VakninNew year resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral. But victims of abuse cannot afford this cavalier attitude: their mental - and too often physical - health depends on strictly observing the following promises to themselves: 1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from ...
Views: 2433(1 vote) - Bodily Effects of Torture and Abuse - by Submitted on Jun 08, 2012 from Sam VakninThere is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed – one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The torturer invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. He does so publicly, deliberately, repeatedly and, ...
Views: 2678(1 vote) - Cold Empathy and Warm Empathy - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2012 from Sam VakninEmpathy is comprised of two components: I. Cold Empathy: an intersubjective agreement as to the mental content (especially emotions) of two or more human subjects; II. Warm Empathy: the emotional response to Cold Empathy. Cold Empathy is an act of taxonomy and an attempt to overcome the ...
Views: 4721(1 vote) - Countering Abandonment and Separation Anxiety - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninClinging and smothering behaviours are the unsavoury consequences of a deep-set existential, almost mortal fear of abandonment and separation. For the codependent to maintain a long-term, healthy relationship, she must first confront her anxieties head on. This can be done via psychotherapy: the ...
Views: 3310(1 vote) - How can you tell a TRUE friend from a FAKE one? - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2013 from Sam VakninA TRUE friend supports you only when he believes that you are doing the right thing in your self-interest and welfare; A FAKE friend supports you always, no matter what you do. A TRUE friend respects you only when you have earned respect and act respectably; A FAKE friend "respects" you ...
Views: 2926(2 votes) - Impulse Control and Narcissistic Fear of Failure - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2013 from Sam VakninMany narcissistic defences, traits, and behaviours revolve around the compulsive need to sustain a grandiose self-image of perfection (“perfectionism”.) Paradoxically, deficient impulse control helps achieve this crucial goal. Impulsive actions and addictive behaviours render failure impossible ...
Views: 4020(1 vote) - Narcissist's Reactions to Deficient, Fake, Negative, Low-grade, or Static Narcissistic Supply - by Submitted on Sep 18, 2011 from Sam VakninThe narcissist presents to the world a facade of invincibility, equanimity, superiority, skilfulness, cool-headedness, invulnerability, and, in short: indifference. This front is penetrated in times of great crises that threaten the narcissist's ability to obtain Narcissistic Supply, or when ...
Views: 6024(1 vote) - Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the DSM V - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninThe DSM V re-defines personality disorders thus: at "The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits." According to the June 2011 text of the DSM V, the following ...
Views: 7349(1 vote) - Narcissists and Hotel Maids: The Strauss-Kahn Affair and Beyond - by Submitted on Aug 01, 2011 from Sam VakninDominique Staruss-Kahn, the scandal-ridden former head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) is entitled to the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. But, if he did try to rape the hotel maid in New-York in May 2011, his behavior would conform to the type of misconduct common among ...
Views: 1199(1 vote) - People-pleasers and Pathological Charmers - by Submitted on Feb 10, 2013 from Sam VakninPeople-pleasers dread conflicts and wish to avoid them (they are conflict-averse) - hence their need to believe that they are universally liked. Always pleasant, well-mannered, and civil, the conflict-averse people-pleaser is also evasive and vague, hard to pin down, sometimes obsequious and, ...
Views: 7809(1 vote) - Romantic Jealousy - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninPathological envy is not the same as romantic jealousy. These two emotions have little to do with each other. Romantic jealousy is the product of a violation of trust; a breach of romantic exclusivity of intimacy; and a denial of possession. It also involves damage to the self-esteem and ...
Views: 1871(1 vote) - The Narcissist in Custody Battles - by Submitted on May 21, 2015 from Sam VakninThe Narcissist in Custody Battles Presentation made by Sam Vaknin Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” In the 11th Annual and First International Battered Mothers Custody Conference http://batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/ HOW NARCISSIST SEES HIS CHILDREN 1. ...
Views: 3355(1 vote) - TIPS: How to Cope with Financial Abuse - by Submitted on Jul 03, 2013 from Sam VakninQ. Would narcissists often try to restrict their partner's independence by reducing their access to shared family finances? Why? A. Narcissists are control freaks, paranoid, jealous, possessive, and envious. They are the sad products of early childhood abandonment by parents, caregivers, role ...
Views: 2062(1 vote) - When the Narcissist and Codependent Reverse Their Roles - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninSometimes, the breakup is initiated by the long-suffering spouse or intimate partner of the narcissist or psychopath. As she develops and matures, gaining in self-confidence and a modicum of self-esteem (ironically, at the narcissist’s behest in his capacity as her “guru” and “father figure”), ...
Views: 18073(2 votes) - “I Attract Abusers Like a Magnet” - by Submitted on Feb 02, 2012 from Sam VakninMany victims of narcissists are firmly convinced that they have been "chosen" by their abusers because of their capacity to empathize, their innate sensitivity, compassion, and their ability to love and care. Indeed, these qualities tend to attract exploitative psychopathic predators who ...
Views: 5418(1 vote) - “It's All My Fault for Having Provoked Him” - by Submitted on Feb 02, 2012 from Sam VakninHow often have you heard the following phrases coupled with the most horrific physical, verbal, and psychological abuse: "It's all your fault, you made me do it" or "look what you made me do!" Abusers have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control. This means that they tend to ...
Views: 2998(1 vote) - "I am Terrified that S/he will Abandon Me! I will Do Anything to Avoid It!" - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninClinging and smothering behaviours are the unsavoury consequences of a deep-set existential, almost mortal fear of abandonment and separation. For the codependent to maintain a long-term, healthy relationship, she must first confront her anxieties head on. This can be done via psychotherapy: the ...
Views: 2067(2 votes) - "I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It" - by Submitted on Jan 29, 2012 from Sam VakninFrom an early age we are taught (at least in the USA) that there is no limit to what we can achieve; that if we wish to accomplish something all we need to do is set ourselves goals and then apply ourselves to their attainment. With time and dedication, we are told, positive outcomes are ...
Views: 1437(2 votes) - "I Fear the Holidays: It is the Worst Time of the Year!" - by Submitted on Feb 02, 2012 from Sam VakninThe holidays season should be a time of family get-togethers, love shared, and relatives and friends brought up to date. Holidays are supposed to be the reification of that contradiction in terms: mass or group intimacy. Instead, for victims of family violence and abuse, the holidays are ...
Views: 2712(2 votes) - Bad Mother, Good Mother, Good Son/Daughter: Offspring of Narcissistic Parents - by Submitted on Jul 02, 2013 from Sam VakninChildren of narcissistic parents grow up to become either sensitized or desensitized to narcissistic behaviours, traits, and personalities. In adulthood, sensitized offspring are able to rapidly discern the presence of narcissists by reading their body language and by resonating with subtle ...
Views: 2739(2 votes) - Coping With Your Abuser - by Submitted on Oct 24, 2003 from Sam VakninHow to cope with your abuser? Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor. Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the ...
Views: 1795(2 votes) - Cyber-celebrity vs. "Real" World Fame - by Submitted on May 20, 2010 from Sam VakninI know at least ten people whose personal Websites attract as many unique visitors a year as the number of copies sold of Dan Brown’s books. Yet, Dan Brown is a global celebrity and they remain largely anonymous. Why is that? Fame is defined as the number of people who have heard about you. If ...
Views: 2664(1 vote) - Facilitating Narcissism - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam Vaknin"The new narcissist is haunted not by guilt but by anxiety. He seeks not to inflict his own certainties on others but to find a meaning in life. Liberated from the superstitions of the past, he doubts even the reality of his own existence. Superficially relaxed and tolerant, he finds little use ...
Views: 1887(1 vote) - Mourning the Narcissist - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam VakninAt the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding ...
Views: 4376(1 vote) - Sex or Gender - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam VakninAlan Pease, author of a book titled "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps", believes that women are spatially-challenged compared to men. The British firm, Admiral Insurance, conducted a study of half a million claims. They found that "women were almost twice as likely as men to have a ...
Views: 1978(1 vote) - The Body as a Torture Chamber - by Submitted on May 28, 2010 from Sam VakninThere is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed: one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The process of chronic disease invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. It does so publicly, enhancing the ...
Views: 2940(1 vote) - The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam VakninI often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every ...
Views: 2097(1 vote) - The Psychology of Torture - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam VakninThere is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed - one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The torturer invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. He does so publicly, deliberately, repeatedly and, ...
Views: 2195(1 vote) - Traumas as Social Interactions - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam Vaknin("He" in this text - to mean "He" or "She"). We react to serious mishaps, life altering setbacks, disasters, abuse, and death by going through the phases of grieving. Traumas are the complex outcomes of psychodynamic and biochemical processes. But the particulars of traumas depend heavily on ...
Views: 1517(1 vote) - What is Abuse? - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2003 from Sam VakninAbusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control. There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to ...
Views: 1733(1 vote) - Once and Future Monogamy - by Submitted on Feb 10, 2013 from Sam VakninThe ancient institution of monogamous marriage is ill-suited to the exigencies of modern Western civilization. People of both genders live and work longer (which renders monogamy impracticable); travel far and away frequently; and are exposed to tempting romantic alternatives via social ...
Views: 2015(6 votes) - Psychology of The Lifestyle (Swinging) - by Submitted on Nov 17, 2013 from Sam VakninThe Lifestyle involves sexual acts performed by more than two participants whether in the same space, or separately. It is also known as “swinging”, “wife-, or spouse-swapping”, “wife-, or spouse-sharing”, “group sex” and, where multiple people interact with a single person, “gangbanging”. ...
Views: 6920(1 vote) - The Dynamics of Modern Marriages - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninUntil recently, couples formed around promises of emotional exclusivity and sexual fidelity, uniqueness in each other’s mind and life, and (more common until the 1940s) virginity. Marriage was also a partnership: economic, or related to childrearing, or companionship. It was based on the ...
Views: 1757(1 vote) - Understanding Your Past Relationships and Preparing for the Future - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2012 from Sam VakninRomantic relationships with intimate partners (significant others) are comprised of three components: I. Mate Selection (Choice) II. Relationship Model or Hypothesis III. Termination Triggers Mate selection is critical, of course, but even more ...
Views: 1791(1 vote) - "I Admire and Support him and He Abuses Me!" - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2013 from Sam Vaknin“I admire and support him. I am his biggest fan. I am his right hand and one woman audience. I am his best friend and his only source of succor. Yet, he constantly humiliates and berates me and abuses me in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. What gives?” He may be a narcissist. The narcissist ...
Views: 2280 - "I Want Him to Pay a Price for What He Did - Yes: I want REVENGE!" - by Submitted on Feb 11, 2013 from Sam VakninThe need to seek revenge on wrong- and evil-doers is as ancient as Mankind. But people attempt to address their grievances in three ways: 1. Punitive-moralistic The aim of this type of vengeance is to restore justice and, with it, the victim’s view of the world as orderly, predictable, ...
Views: 2438 - A Cerebral Narcissist on His Sexuality - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2016 from Sam VakninI am a cerebral narcissist. I brandish my brainpower, exhibit my intellectual achievements, bask in the attention given to my mind and its products. I hate my body and neglect it. It is a nuisance, a burden, a derided appendix, an inconvenience, a punishment. Needless to add that I rarely have ...
Views: 4033 - A Classification of Lies and Confabulations - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2010 from Sam VakninA statement constitutes a lie only if at least one of the interlocutors knows it to be untrue, yet insists or assumes that it is true. If all the parties involved in the exchange know that the statement is false or if none of them know whether it is false or true, then it is fiction or an act of ...
Views: 2574 - A Good Mother Loves Her Children Unconditionally, No Matter What. - by Submitted on Jun 08, 2012 from Sam VakninBut what about narcissistic or psychopathic children, children suffering from conduct disorder, or oppositional defiant disorder)? Donovan, 16 years old, is incapable of loving and, therefore, has never loved you, his mother (or, for that matter, anyone else, himself included) in his entire ...
Views: 3094 - Abusers Abuse despite Abandonment Anxiety - by Submitted on Jul 30, 2016 from Sam VakninBy Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" The abuser abuses his intimate partners, significant others, and nearest and dearest because it helps him to regulate his excruciating abandonment anxiety in 4 ways: (1) By devaluing others, he restores his sense of ...
Views: 2384 - Am I Manipulating My Narcissist? - by Submitted on Sep 22, 2015 from Sam VakninBy Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" All told, there are three ways to manipulate the narcissist: (1) To withhold narcissistic supply from him until he comes, hat in hand, begging for more and then you can name your price and dictate terms; (2) To ...
Views: 2180 - Axes of Mental Health Disorders - by Submitted on Mar 20, 2007 from Sam VakninPersonality disorders are like tips of icebergs. They rest on a foundation of causes and effects, interactions and events, emotions and cognitions, functions and dysfunctions that together form the patient and make him or her what s/he is. The DSM uses five axes to analyze, classify, and ...
Views: 1159 - Borderline Personality Disorder - by Submitted on Apr 24, 2007 from Sam VakninThe fact that the Borderline personality disorder is often found among women makes it a controversial mental health diagnosis. Some scholars say that it is a culture-bound pseudo-syndrome invented by men to serve a patriarchal and misogynistic society. Others point to the fact the lives of ...
Views: 2619 - Classification (Taxonomy) of Psychological Theories - by Submitted on Sep 04, 2016 from Sam VakninBy Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" All psychological theories can be classified by one or more of these dichotomies (pairs): Dualism vs. Monism The belief that the mind and the body are two separate entities (though in constant interaction via various ...
Views: 1326 - Cluster B Personality Disorders - by Submitted on Mar 23, 2007 from Sam VakninThe DSM-IV-TR (2000) defines a personality disorder as: "An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations the individuals culture (and is manifested in two or more of his or her areas of mental life:) cognition, affectivity, interpersonal ...
Views: 1381 - Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder - by Submitted on Apr 30, 2007 from Sam VakninThere is great confusion regarding the terms co-dependent, counter-dependent, and dependent. Before we proceed to study the Dependent Personality Disorder in our next article, we would do well to clarify these terms. Codependents Like dependents (people with the Dependent Personality ...
Views: 1480 - Cold Empathy: The Narcissist as Predator - by Submitted on Nov 02, 2014 from Sam VakninBy Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" The narcissist cursed - or blessed - with mental X-ray vision. He sees through people's emotional shields, their petty lies, their pitiable defences, their grandiose fantasies. He knows when they deviate from the truth and ...
Views: 6165 - Common Features of Personality Disorders - by Submitted on Mar 22, 2007 from Sam VakninPsychology is more an art form than a science. There is no "Theory of Everything" from which one can derive all mental health phenomena and make falsifiable predictions. Still, as far as personality disorders are concerned, it is easy to discern common features. Most personality disorders share ...
Views: 3315 - Dancing as an Evolutionary Strategy - by Submitted on Aug 01, 2011 from Sam VakninDances are thinly disguised simulations of sex acts. But there’s more to dancing than bawdy ribaldry. The sweaty proximity allows the partners to exchange an enormous amount of information about their respective bodies: from joint suppleness, through spatial orientation and coordination, and ...
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