Making the Best of the Holidays: A FertilityCoach's Perspective

Making the Best of the Holidays: A Coach's Perspective

One of the most important lessons in life, I learned in Girl Scouting. The Scouting motto is: "Be prepared." It actually is the Boy Scout motto, but we always thought it applied to us as Girl Scouts as well.

Since the holidays bring many stress-filled moments for someone going through infertility, this article will concentrate on ways to "Be Prepared" for what you may face. The family gathering can be a place for surprise announcements of pregnancies, confrontations with your sister's or brother's newest baby, and all of the stressful conversations about your own attempts to conceive.

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BEING PREPARED FOR THE FAMILY GATHERING
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Allow yourself to VISUALIZE each gathering. Let's start with Thanksgiving. Think about the room full of relatives before the meal begins. Who will be difficult for you to see? Who is pregnant? Who has a new baby? Who in the family might ask intrusive questions? Who might have an uncomfortable (for you) announcement to make?

Now that you have a clear picture in your mind of what the day might bring, you are prepared to make decisions about attendance.

You have many choices you can make to prepare for the day and create more comfort for you. Here are some possibilities:
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1. To Attend or Not to Attend: That is the question
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If the visualization brings so much pain that you can't imagine staying in the room for one minute, much less eating Thanksgiving Dinner, then you may want to decide to skip Thanksgiving this year.

If you make this choice, you might wish to make a plan for the two of you to be together in some way that does not remind you of Thanksgiving dinner(another way to be prepared). Maybe the two of you could go away for the weekend to the beach. Or maybe you could go to that Thai restaurant you have always wanted to try (no turkey and dressing there).
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2. Get a Secret Partner
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If in your visualization you determine that you could eat dinner but don't want to be a part of before and after dinner conversation, then it's time to get a secret partner to help you out.

It's possible that you have someone in your family who knows all about your struggles with infertility. This person might be your mother, or your sister, or your cousin who has also had some difficulty of her own. Being prepared might mean engaging this person in an effort to help you manage the meal.

Maybe you feel close enough to the host/hostess of the meal to ask him/her to be your secret partner. If not, then ask your secret partner to let the host/hostess know that you will be arriving just as the family sits down for dinner and that you will leave at the end of the meal.

Your secret partner should:

1. Find out exactly when the host/hostess thinks the actual dinner will begin.

2. Arrange for you to sit beside Great-Aunt Martha, who is only interested in talking about day time soap operas or beside your college age nephew who is planning to go to law school.

3. Notify you the minute he/she hears about any potential announcements that may be made at the dinner

4. Run interference for you - educating others in the family to be understanding or to leave you alone

5. Help you leave gracefully if you need to

This method of being prepared keeps you from having to explain your arriving late or leaving early - that's the job of your secret partner - and you are relieved of some stress.

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Being Prepared for the Surprise Announcement
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Since the surprise announcement is frequently made at the dinner table, being prepared for this occurrence if of utmost importance. Talk with each other about what kind of support you each need in the event of such an announcement.

1. Perhaps you need to sit beside each other and reach out to hold hands.

2. Maybe you should develop a signal that indicates: "I need to leave NOW." Carol Burnett always tugged on her ear lobe to say "Bye" at the end of her variety show on TV....it worked for her, and might for you as well.

3. Remember, as my sister has frequently reminded me, you can always go to the bathroom. No one will follow you and you can have a few moments of privacy when things are rough.

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Being Prepared to Educate
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Your family may be supportive and sympathetic enough to use the family gathering for education and openness about your
situation. You can let your family know that the holidays are difficult for the two of you and that you are setting some limits about what you can endure.

For example, you could say something to your family like this:

"We want a baby so badly that we are really going the extra mile. We are trying everything we know and can afford to get a baby in our lives. But it isn't working the way we want it to and we need your help.

We need you not to ask us when we are going to have children, but instead ask us how things are going. Or say to us that you are thinking about us and all the stress we are under and can you do anything for us? We need you to understand that we may not come to all the family gatherings this year because it makes us so sad.

And most of all, we need you to quit telling us just to relax and it will work. That is not true for us and the question makes everything more difficult because then it seems like you don't understand. And more than anything else we need you to understand."

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Be Prepared to Celebrate
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Finding something to celebrate while you are in the middle of infertility treatment can be a challenge. I encourage my clients to "be prepared" for the holidays by finding SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE.

1. Your relationship with each other

2. Your deeper knowledge of each other as you face the challenge of infertility treatment and decisions

3. Your growing appreciation of each other's strengths - whether it be how you support each other, new skills you have learned (how to give injections!) or how you work together as a team

Best of luck to all of you as the holiday season begins. I'll be thinking of you and hope you can figure out "Be Prepared" ways to cope.

Linda D Tillman, PhD
www.fertilitycoach.com