The Aggravation of Expectation

The Aggravation of Expectation

I always have expectations and for the most part they have served me well.
Well, that is provided I only weight them upon myself. It seems my greatest disappointments have come from my greatest expectations. And it always seems that they weren’t expectations I placed upon myself but upon others. Still it seems there is a double standard here, and perhaps it is expected, that I have different expectations for myself and for everyone else. And even within those 2 categories there are varying degrees of expectation in every situation.

Years ago I suffered debilitating Anxiety and as soon as I felt that first twinge of panic I could do nothing but expect the Anxiety to rule. But one day I realized that part of my condition was my expectation of it’s continuation requiring medication to relieve the duress. I wanted things to change, I expected them to change, but I knew that change can only come from within. I expected that I could find a way to deal with these events so that I could remain in control. I expected that I had greater control that what I did until I realized that that expectation only limited my success. I had to see and expect myself to be able to recognize the onset of panic and think differently in the past. To no longer see and expect myself to be out of control because I would no longer be out of control when that happens. I know exactly how it feels when it starts and I breath and remind myself that nothing is so serious, no thought so provoking, that my body and mind should be thrown into a tempest.

I expected it to happen and I expected that control could also happen.

Perhaps its isn’t simply that we have expectation but that we choose what we will expect.

When I expect my friends to be exactly who they are I get the luxury of seeing them in their natural state. When I expect them to fit into some preconceived role then I am expecting them to be actors. If I expect them to treat me as I would them then I am not giving them the change to be human, to error, make mistakes and expect them to understand the understandable.

I battle with expectations everyday dealing with HIV, Bipolar Affective Disorder and, for the last 5 months, chronic pancreatitis. Friends and family ask me “How can you always be of such good spirits and feeling that life is blessed’ and I say “I expect that life is blessed…and it is”