Stop Sabotaging Yourself in Search for Love and Intimacy: Learn What You Need to Change – and Succeed!

A sad story that often repeats itself regarding one’s search for love and intimacy

Her need for attention and appreciation, to be loved and be told how “great” she is has driven her to harm her intimate relationship time and again. She expected too much from her partner; she demanded that he says such and such about her; she was impatient for him to declare his love for her. Her relationships with her partners often ended brutally. As much as it is a sad story, it isn’t actually a “story” but a recurring situation which happens frequently and affects many.

It wasn’t what he said but what he did not say. He said he enjoyed being with her; that he feels they have “lots of things in common”; that he is looking forward to seeing her again. But he didn’t say he loves her, and he didn’t say he misses her, and he didn’t say he finds her overwhelmingly great.

She knew they are just at the beginning of their relationship, but still, it would have been so nice to hear him saying all these, wouldn’t it?

Her need for attention, for appreciation, to be loved and be told how “great” she is has driven her to harm her relationships time and again. To expect too much from her partner; to demand that he says such and such about her; to be impatient for him to declare his love for her.

The sad thing is, that the more partners left her, the more impatient she has become to hear her new partner say all these things to her. As if with each and every relationship which broke so did her self-esteem break; and with each and every partner who left her so her need to be told she is being loved and adored has increased.

Another sad thing is, that she herself was not aware of the damage she has been doing to her relationships by behaving the way she did. “Isn’t it lovely to meet someone and to fall in love and to hear him saying similar loving-words towards me?” she asked herself and her friends as well. And no matter how many of them told her to take it easy, one step at a time, not to rush into anything, not to let her expectations boomerang back at her, she didn’t yield. “Love’” she told them, “is nothing to be cautious about.” “Also,” she said, “I am who I am and that’s it. If my partners like me the way I am, fine; if not, it’s their loss” – to which her friends had anything to comment about.

How her needs drive her to sabotage her attempts at relationships time and again

From the outside it looked as if she was sabotaging her attempts at relationships time after time. All her friends saw it. But none of them could convince her to see it as well. Her needs to be loved and have a partner were so strong that they camouflaged from her own eyes her self-sabotaging behavior.

As much as it is a sad story, it isn’t actually a “story” but a recurring situation which happens frequently and affects many men and women alike. Their neediness, low self-esteem and who-knows-what-other-factors drive them to jump from one relationship to another, to never take the time to be by themselves and work on their issues, to refuse any insights offered to them by their friends. Sadly enough they are often unwilling to look inwards and understand, once and for all, what is really going on with them, what is it that drives them to behave the way they do and in so doing sabotage their relationship time and again.

What is also sad is that nobody can help them make a change in their attitudes and behaviors. They hang on to some unexplained stubbornness, and are unwilling to budge.

There is a saying that “Time heals all wounds”. Unfortunately, even though those behaving like the woman depicted in this “story” get wounded time and again, it is unclear whether they will, with time, “learn their lessons” and make any significant change in their attitudes and behaviors regarding partners and relationships.

A success story, hopefully…

A good friend of mine who has had her share of unsatisfying relationships has recently told me that finally she has found “a true love” (or so she thinks). She is so happy with her new relationship that she is now willing to accept that “something was wrong with the way she did relationships and her choice of partners”. She also admits that “she should have listened” to her friends’ advice years ago. And, she concludes, if she would have been ready to see years ago what she didn’t want to see until recently, she might have “saved” herself years of misery.

Her “story”, so far, sounds like a successful one.

And it makes me think that if others, who experience unsatisfying relationships time and again will take upon themselves to truly understand what they must change in their attitudes and behaviors and will be motivated to doing so, they will also save themselves years of misery.