Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To See His Mother As Just Another Person?

While a man whose whole life practically revolves around his mother is likely to have other family members, these people are not going to receive the same amount of attention. And, even if he only has one other family member, this is still going to be the case.

His mother is then going to be far more important to him than himself and the other people with who he is related. This is also likely to mean that his friends if he has any, and his partner if he was one, will be of secondary importance.

One priority

But, even though someone on the outside could see that he is prioritising the wrong person, it doesn’t mean that this will occur to him. He might not have an issue with what is going on and if it was put forward to him that he was neglecting himself, he could dismiss what is said.

He could say that he wants to be there for his mother and is doing the right thing or words to that effect. From this response, it will be clear that he is not willing to face up to what is truly going on.

In Denial

To the outsider, whoever that may be, they could wonder why it is not possible for him to see clearly. To them, it could be as though there is something right in front of him and for some reason, he can’t see it.

Due to how he is responding, they might even start to question if what they believe is taking place is actually taking place. If so, what might cross their mind is if they are the ones who are unable to see clearly.

Additional Validation

Still, if this was to take place, they could end up sharing what they can see with their own eyes. Another person could then say that the conclusion that they have come to is accurate and that they are not merely seeing things or making a big deal out of nothing.

As to why the man won’t be able to see what is right in front of his eyes, it is likely to show that he is carrying a lot of pain and a number of unmet developmental needs. Without realising it, as it is unlikely that he will simply be choosing to be in denial, his brain will be doing what it can to allow him to keep it together and function.

An Eruption

Therefore, if this defence, one that has been erected unconsciously, was to fall away, he is likely to come into contact with a lot of pain and a number of unmet developmental needs. This, of course, would give him the chance to see clearly but it would probably be a time when he feels deeply unsettled and a part of him will still want to avoid reality.

If this was to take place, it could show that he has experienced something that is significant, such as a breakup, breakdown, loss of a job, or a serious illness. Whatever has taken place, it will have been enough to create a big crack in his main defence and allow reality to start to seep into his conscious awareness.

A Strong Pull

At this point, part of him, if only a fairly small and weak part, will no longer want to be overly focused on his mother and neglect himself. Yet, another part of him, a part that is bigger and stronger, could continue to feel the need to be there for her and abandon himself.

To this part of him, her needs will be far more important than his or anyone else’s needs for that matter. Based on what is going on for him, it will be as though his mother is not just his mother; she is his child or a god that needs to be placated.

Out of Balance

As she is his mother, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that he has no importance to him but it also wouldn’t be accurate to say that she has more importance than him. After all, she is not his child or a god; she is his mother.

So, as he sees both her and her needs as being more important than him and his needs, it shows that something is not right. What should be normal is for him to see himself and his needs as being more important than his mother and her needs.

At The Centre

If this was the case, he wouldn’t neglect himself and he would then be able to be there for his mother if and when he wanted to be there for her. In other words, it would be a choice as opposed to something that he felt obligated to do.

His mother would still be his mother but she wouldn’t be on an invisible throne that elevated her above him and gave her and her needs a greater level of importance than him and his needs. She then wouldn’t just be another person but she certainly wouldn’t be someone who he would abandon himself for.

What’s going on?

What this is likely to illustrate is that more or less from the moment he was born, his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. It is unlikely to have truly occurred to her that he was an individual who had his own needs and feelings and needed her love to be able to grow and develop.

Through being deprived of what he needed, year after year, he would have lost touch with his true self, stayed in a developmentally stunted state and continued to see her as being the centre of his world and essential to his survival. Underneath the disconnected false self that he would have automatically constructed to survive will be a lot of pain and a number of unmet developmental needs, which may have already started to seep into his conscious awareness.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.