Intimacy: Can Developmental Trauma Make It Hard For Someone To Show Up In A Relationship?

What someone may find, if they were to end up in a relationship, is that it is far harder than they expected it to be. There will then be what they thought it would be like and what their experience is actually like.

Now, this is not to say that they won’t have had a relationship before, although this could be the case. But, since their last relationship, they could believe that they have changed a lot.

The Main Challenge

When it comes to their current relationship, they could find that it is typically hard for them to be themselves. Therefore, the person who they are now will be a shadow of the person they were before.

They could be so different that it’s as though they have ended up becoming someone else. If this change related to their appearance and they were to see themselves in the mirror, they might not even recognise themselves.

A Closer Look

If they were asked to explain what is taking place, they could say that they lose touch with their feelings and needs, and they can’t think clearly. Along with this, they could say that they have the need to get away as far as possible from their partner.

Due to this, if they are in their company, it is not going to be possible for them to operate as a whole human being. They will be living on the surface of themselves around them and their partner is likely to notice that something isn’t right, that’s if they are not fully aware of what is going on.

A Very Different Experience

Naturally, being this way around their partner is going to make it more or less impossible for them to enjoy their company. It is not going to matter how much they enjoyed being around them before and appreciate them.
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Earlier on, their time around them may have typically been pleasurable and they may have looked forward to being in their company. If what they are experiencing was a small difference, it could just be put down to the fact that they are now in a different stage of their relationship.

A Threat

Based on what is going on for them, it could be said that it’s as if their partner is a threat to their very survival as opposed to someone who is their life companion. This is why they lose themselves in their company and have the need to get away from them.

If they were able to settle down and reflect on their partner’s behaviour, what they may find is that they are not doing anything that is particularly negative. Therefore, how they themselves are behaving can be seen as being totally irrational.

A Strange Scenario

If they were in a relationship with a dragon or a monster, it could be said that their behaviour would be normal. This being would be far more powerful than them, so it is to be expected that they wouldn’t be able to settle down around them and would have the need to get away.

In other words, there would be a massive power imbalance between them. The truth, however, is that they are not with someone who has this level of power; they are with a fellow human being.

What going on?

At this point, it could be said that they just need to keep this in mind and by doing this; they will gradually be able to return to how they were before. Then again, due to what is going on for them, changing what is going on up top is unlikely to have much of an impact on them.

What needs to be looked into is why they are behaving in this way. Clearly, they are not in a good way or else they wouldn’t need to behave in a way that is greatly undermining their relationship.

Back In Time

If they were to go back in time, to their childhood years, they may soon find out why they behave in this way. This may have been a stage of their life when they were physically harmed by at least one of their caregiver/s.

Alternatively, they may have been traumatised when they were an infant and/or toddler. During this time, they may have often been neglected and when they were given attention, it might not have been attuned care.

An Overwhelming Time

As they were in an underdeveloped state and were unable to handle the pain that being left or receiving misattuned care would have caused, their only option was to disconnect from themselves. Their underdeveloped brain and nervous system were simply not equipped to experience so much stimulation.

Leaving their body wouldn’t have stopped what was going on or prevented them from being overstimulated but it would have stopped them from being aware of what was going on and thus, ensured their survival. These experiences would have caused them to form a number of negative associations such as human contact is a threat to their survival and keeping their distance from others is the only way for them to survive.

An Expected Outcome

If one or both of these things took place, how they behave as an adult is going to make complete sense. Their mind, through having blocked out what took place to ensure their survival, would have been confused before but now it might fully understand.

This shows how part of them will scan their history when it comes to how they should behave in each moment. What they experienced in the past will provide them with a reference point.

The Imprint

This is why it has been said that someone’s past is always more powerful than their present. Still, this is not to say that they will consciously scan their past to decide how they will behave as this will take place unconsciously.

For them to truly be present around their partner, they will need to change what is taking place at a deeper level. This will relate to their nervous system and what is held in their body.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.