Although someone will be an interdependent human being, it doesn’t mean that they will feel like one. The main reason for this is that they could find it hard to be by themselves, with this being a time when they typically feel all at sea emotionally.

If they are around another or others, though, they could find that they feel fairly settled. Based on how they experience life, it would be accurate to say that they are a dependent human being.

On Unstable Ground

At the same time, even when they are around another or others, there could still be times when they don’t feel totally at ease. Therefore, simply being in the company of one or more people won’t necessarily mean that they will be able to fully settle down.

What is clear from this is that they will probably do what they can to spend as little time as possible by themselves. Due to how they typically feel when they are by themselves, this is not going to be much of a surprise.

A Closer Look

When they do spend time by themselves, they could experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. In fact, it could be as though their life is about to come to an end and they will then be desperate for human contact and could soon reach out to someone; that is unless, of course, they end up disconnecting from how they feel.

What stands out is that not only will there be a lot going on inside them but their ability to regulate how they feel is not very effective. So, like an infant who is completely reliant on their parent or parents to soothe them, they will be completely reliant on others to soothe them too.

Another Part

However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they will have a close connection with others, as they might also have a secondary fear of human contact. If this is the case, they will want to be around another or others but not be too close to them.

If they are in an intimate relationship, they are not going to want to get too close to their partner. Simply having them in their life will be enough; they won’t want to experience a deep level of intimacy.

Two Fears

Taking this into account, it is likely to take a fair amount of effort for them to make sure that they are not alone and that they are not too close to another. If they were to get too close to another, they could soon pull away.

Yet, what comes up when they do take a step back could soon cause them to take a step forward. What they could do, unconsciously, is to draw in and attract people who also have a fear of closeness, which will generally keep this secondary and perhaps largely hidden fear at bay.

A Natural Outcome

By being this way, it could also mean that they are with someone who is not a good match for them. There is the chance that they have been with a number of people who are like this.

But, as they have such a strong need to avoid being alone, they are not going to be too concerned about whether or not someone is actually right for them. The part of their brain that provides them with the ability to be discerning won’t be in operation during such moments.

Stepping Back

If they were to get to the point where they have had enough of living in this way and were to reflect on their life, they could wonder why they lack the inner stability that they need to act like an interdependent human being. What could enter their mind is that they are missing something and that they will always be this way.

Most likely, they are not missing something and there is no reason why they will always be this way. Still, for their life to change, they will need to find out what is going on and then take the necessary steps.

Going Deeper

When it comes to why they are experiencing life in this way, it could be due to what took place during their developmental years. This may have been a time when they missed out on the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

From the moment they were born, they might have typically been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. Being left and receiving misattuned care would have deeply traumatised them and as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was very little that they could do.

Deeply Wounded

Their brain and nervous system were in an underdeveloped state, so they didn’t have the ability to handle what was going on inside them. This is why they needed a responsive and attuned parent to soothe them by holding and caressing them at the right moments.

This would have not only settled them down, but it would have also allowed their sense of self to develop and for their brain and nervous system to develop in the right way. Without this love and support, they would have often felt overwhelmed and over stimulated.

One option

When it came to the pain and arousal that they experienced, their brain would have automatically repressed what was going on for them. Along with this, they would have gone into a shut down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state.

If they didn’t have this ability and it didn’t happen naturally, they probably wouldn’t be alive. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but their brain and body will still carry most if not all of the pain and arousal that they experienced as an infant and at other stages of their life.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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