How to be Happy in Marriage

1. Don’t look to others to make you happy – The first step in discovering how to be happy in marriage is recognizing the true source of happiness. In most relationships we are initially attracted to another person because they make us feel good about ourselves. Yet, if the marriage is to grow we must realize that it is unfair to make our mate the primary source of our happiness. Mature relationships are marked by each person looking at what they can put into the relationship as opposed to what they can get out of it.

Making the chief aim of our lives pursuing what makes us happy leads to a life of self-centeredness. Even though the Declaration of Independence talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, the scriptures are clear that it isn't the world's responsibility to make us happy. Happiness is a choice as well as a result of what we choose to value and what we choose to focus on.

2. Forgive and forget– There are hundreds of opportunities each day to be offended and angry. I’ve known people who seem to take advantage of each opportunity. They go through life each day angry and irritated.

Roderick McFarlane in the Reader Digest, December 1992 issue tells the story he heard from his grandmother on her golden wedding anniversary. Within her story Fredrick’s grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me mad, I would say to myself, lucky for him that's one of the ten.”

3. Believe the best – A third step in discovering how to be happy in marriage is choosing to believe the best about your partner. I can’t begin to tell you how often Bonnie and I discovered the source of an argument was because we each assumed the worst of each other in a specific situation.

I heard a story of a couple who were having more than their usual disagreements. They wanted to make their marriage work and agreed on an idea the wife had. For one month they planned to drop a slip in a "Fault" box. The boxes would provide a place to let the other know about daily irritations. The wife was diligent in her efforts and approach: "leaving the jelly top off the jar," "wet towels on the shower floor," "dirty socks not in hamper," on and on until the end of the month. After dinner, at the end of the month, they exchanged boxes. The husband reflected on what he had done wrong. Then the wife opened her box and began reading. The message on each slip was the same which read, "I love you!"

4. Take control of your thoughts and feelings – Finally, how to be happy in marriage begins when we take responsibility of our own feelings and thoughts. Have you ever said, “I can’t help it, she just pushes my buttons.” Or, “He makes me so mad.” The truth of the matter is no one makes us mad. Being angry, or better yet, staying angry is a choice.

Your spouse may push your buttons and antagonize you but, keep in mind they are “your buttons.” Even though you can’t control how you are treated by your spouse, you can control how you react. Controlling anger is vital to a long and happy marriage. It is in moments of anger that words are spoken and actions taken that often result in permanent damage to the relationship.