How Parents Can Help When Their Daughter Is Bullied

A mother was very upset as she spoke about her eleven year
old daughter who had a very possessive friend. The so-called
friend wouldn’t let her daughter play or get close to any other girls at school. She threatened her and was mean to her. The daughter was scared to go to school and had developed stomach aches and headaches.

I told the mother that her upset needed urgent action and
said:”Of course you are alarmed and want to protect your
daughter. But first, take a deep breath and think about the
little bully. She might be a difficult personality who enjoys being in power. Yet some bullies often need to have control over others they perceive as weak because someone-else has control over them! She may have a dominant or critical mother or father who is making her life hell and so she does the same to your daughter.

You must sit with your daughter and write down the details of dates, times, places and what happened. If she can, get your daughter to give you some names of witnesses. There are
usually some people who have seen the bully in action but do
nothing in fear that they will be next. Sometimes the bully has directly threatened the others that they will be beaten up or ostracised.

Then you should make an appointment with the School Principal and the class teacher. Schools have very strict policies on bullying now (thanks goodness after all the years of ignoring the problem) and the school administration is the best option for investigating and enforcing their policy. They may call in the bully’s parents and ask for their cooperation in teaching their daughter to be kind.
You may even get an apology!”

I have a client whose daughter just started Year Seven in a
new school and was bullied. The mother went straight to the
school and it was very professionally handled and solved
within a week. If the mother had tried to solve it directly by approaching the bully’s parents she may have found that she then became the victim of their hostility and denial.

Yes, trust the school and you may also ask for some counselling for your daughter. Perhaps the school will also
provide counselling for the bully and her parents and some
real good may come of that!

It’s interesting that boys are usually thought of first when you think of bullies, yet girls are also good at it. The difference is in how they do it. Boys will tend to be physical, girls more emotionally manipulative. I never forget teaching thirteen year old Private School girls a workshop on bullies. One girl wrote some very damning feedback – “We don’t have bullies at this school. We only have bitches!”