Forgiveness and Amends: Dealing With the Fallout of Divorce

Please begin this lesson by writing in your journal:
1. Are you still angry about the breakup of your marriage?________Why?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. What is the source of this anger? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. How do you think this anger is affecting your body and your life?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. Do you want to get over the anger? ___________________________
5. What do you think you have to change in order for this to happen?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6. Do you want to maintain family ties with your Ex’s family? ________How do you plan to do this?__________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You have identified the source of your anger. Now decide what to do to change this anger. As explained in Lesson 1, anger can be the cause of health and personal issues separate from the divorce. You do not want to allow anger to interfere with the rest of your life.
First of all, you will find it necessary to identify your own needs now that you are no longer married and then figure out how you intend to meet these needs.
1. I need:___________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. I intend to meet this (these) needs by:________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. I need to remember to pay attention to:_______________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next step is to make a list of the people who have been hurt in the divorce. Please remember that a marriage is made up of more than just two partners. A marriage includes family on sides, children, friends, and pets. Identify these people who have been hurt in your divorce and how they were hurt: _____________________________
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Forgiveness is the most important part of healing after a divorce and, yet, it is often the one that is most forgotten. I know that it is difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you just as it is difficult to admit that you were the one who did the hurting. Without forgiveness, you cannot move onto a productive life filled with love and promise.
• Forgiveness does NOT mean that you condone or excuse the actions of the person who hurt you.
• In order to forgive, admit that with the death of your marriage a little piece of you also died.
• Allow yourself to mourn the death of the marriage and, at the same time, keep the wonderful parts of the life together alive in your heart and memories.
• Realize that your break up was filled with hurt and sadness on both sides and you will be able to forgive because you, also, need forgiveness. With this realization, you will find that forgiveness is easy to find.
Forgiveness will open your heart to new love and, perhaps, to civility and friendship where love once bloomed. If there were children of your marriage then forgiveness is an even more important step in the healing process. Once you have forgiven and mourned, you will be able to work together for the good of your children. This does not mean you will become good friends; just that you will not constantly bicker over the children.
Forgiveness will also keep your Ex from becoming the target of everything that goes wrong in your life. Once the marriage is dissolved, blame ends; move on to the positive in your life.

Dealing with the Guilt

You may feel that you made the only decision that could have been made but the fact is that by getting a divorce you may have hurt people. Now that you have begun to come to terms with your anger and deal with the grief of the death of your marriage, address your guilt.
Each spouse will have a different manner of dealing with guilt. The spouse who instigated the divorce (or the leaver) might feel guilty about leaving the person who was supposed to be with him or her for life. He or she might also feel bad about hurting or upsetting his or her parents, in laws, friends and the children. If it was a particularly bitter divorce, the guilt can be hidden in feelings of “I wasn’t getting what I needed at home” or “I was always the one who had to compromise”. The spouse who was left behind might feel guilty about things that didn’t even have any bearing on the divorce. “I should have been more attentive”, “I should not have asked him or her to do so much of the work at home”, “and he or she would not have left me if I had loved him or her enough”. The person who was left behind usually has feelings of uselessness to get over as well.
Please journal about the guilt you may be feeling now that you have divorced. State whether or not you are the leaver or the person who was left. If you are the person who left, remember to include information about any other person who may have been involved in the decision. Write until you have nothing left to put down; remembering that as you empty your mind you are also lightening your heart and soul and repairing your life:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Many people remain in a bad relationship or marriage because they think or hope that it will change. There is no rule that can tell you when it is time to leave or give up on the process. Tremendous guilt after leaving is somewhat normal and can usually be dealt with by a life coach or a counselor. It is very important to start your new life with a clear conscience and a clean slate.
Please write in your journal the names of those with whom you think you need to clear the slate. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
1. Do you feel as if you are defective since you divorced?
2. What do you think is causing this feeling? ________________________________________________________________
3. Remember that marriage is between 2 (TWO) people.
4. Everyone makes mistakes
5. No one is perfect
6. You have enough to deal with rather than worrying about if you
Have let other people down.
7. As long as your kids know you love them, they will be fine.
a. Kids often know that there needs to be a change before you do.
8. You have to forgive yourself and also your Ex in order to find peace.

Use this affirmation daily to help with your guilt and assist in your forgiveness of yourself:

Each day I move away from any feeling of guilt.
I know that I did what was best for me and my family.
I forgive my Ex for his/her transgressions against me.
I forgive myself for making this decision.

Daily Meditation

Relax your mind. Let your mind move away from the rest of your body as you relax. Feel the peace of relaxation as it flows from the top of your head, down through your face and neck and into your shoulders. Feel your shoulders relax. Let this feeling move into the rest of your body as you feel yourself moving away from your room to a place of peace and harmony. Allow that place to become your safe and happy place; a place where you can go at any time of the day to bring your life back to order. Breathe. As you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth let all negativity leave your body. Inhale the positive with every breath. Allow yourself to see the positive as it comes to reside in your life. You are at peace. See the picture of your happy place as if through a large window. Watch as you see birds fly by and flowers open slowly in the warmth of the sun. Feel that warmth on your face and know that you are loved. Hold this picture and this feeling for a few minutes and then release it to the wind. Breathe. As you breathe you will return to the present refreshed and renewed and welcoming your new life.