Coming Out of The Dark – Letting Go of the Struggles Within!

For someone who has suffered from and struggled with severe depression, I know what it is like to be in a state of utter darkness. Allow me to take you on a quick trip through one of my depressive timeline. Four years ago, I suffered a miscarriage. Sadly, this is something a lot of women experience and they suffer through it alone with little to no support. What is even worse is that there are men who refuse to understand the deep, blinding pain a woman goes through when she loses a child, regardless of the stage of pregnancy or actual birth of a child. I read somewhere that if men were to experience miscarriages there would be much more support available. Anyhoo, I digress. :) I went through living hell. The emotional turmoil that I had experienced knocked me to the ground and my mind almost snapped. This brings me to the next occurrence.

Due to all the intense internal pain that I was experiencing I had a nervous breakdown and I had to check myself into the Psych Ward of the nearest hospital. The doctors told me that I had been hallucinating, which meant that I had walked ten blocks from my house to the hospital while hallucinating. How I made it to the hospital in one piece, I don’t know. Something or someone must have been watching over me and protecting me. I spent three weeks in the hospital. Interestingly, it was during that hospital stay that my interest in Social Work was piqued.

My real journey began when I left the hospital. It was a long and arduous climb. Because I was now on some strong medications, I had to be monitored by a Psychiatrist and a Social Worker. Normally, I would not discuss my private medical situation, but I mentioned it in order to tie it in to the Social Worker, who was a Counselor. I have had issues with going to Therapy so I don’t go to Therapy. Now I had to go to see a Counselor and talk about what was going on in my life. I know Therapy is invaluable, but I always told myself that I don’t need it because I can be my own Therapist. Big mistake! I hope you don’t make that mistake in your thinking. We all need help, especially those of us who are caretakers. You need someone to take care of you too. I strongly support participating in Traditional Therapy and Alternative Therapy. It was through a combination of both talk therapy and dancing/writing/reading that I was able to slowly come back from the hell that I had went through.

Two years later I broke my knee and had to undergo emergency major invasive surgery. I was slammed back into massive depression. Not being able to dance!! Are you kidding me? That was far more important to me than walking. It was like a blanket of darkness came over me. I felt like I was free falling in a bottom-less well. I tried to be as active as possible. I had to undergo Physical Therapy and it worked wonders not only for my leg, but for my mind. I was in a healing environment. Everyone was so nice, professional and they took a genuine interest in me. That did wonders for my self-esteem.

Slowly but surely I began to ascend out of the depression. There were relapses along the way, disappointments from family members and from people that I thought would have been there for me, but continued to remain strong. I cried if I needed to. I’m a very private person, but I have learned that it is important to talk to others, otherwise they won’t know what’s going on and they won’t be able to help you.

I use to be quick to cut off anyone who is not supportive, who puts me down and take me for granted, but throughout all this I began to realize that not everyone has the strength, the ability to aide you in what you are going through. That does not mean that you should tolerate individuals who are rude to you, blatantly ignores your pain, your thoughts and your feelings. That is not healthy for you to be around. And if they remove themselves from your life, even better for you. Now you can get on with your healing without having to ignore yourself to focus on that individual and what they are doing or not doing.

It is now exactly four years to date since that particular period of depression started. I feel like I’m finally coming out of the dark. I won’t say I’m 100% back to my old self and I doubt that I will ever be. They say once an oilskin has been stretched it can never go back to its original size. I only know the old Trudy-Ann, but that Trudy-Ann was created through pain, hurts, traumas and anger. The past four years has been brutal on my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual state. I have been stretched beyond my previous existence, so I doubt that I’ll ever return to the previous Trudy-Ann. Truth be told, I don’t want to. I want to get to know this new woman that is emerging. I eagerly anticipate getting to know her, the Trudy-Ann that is being created thru deep inner strength, power, love, self-devotion and what craziness she is going to be up to. :)

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