Be Aware: If Your Expectations Are Based on Social Conventions they Might Harm Your Relationships!

You probably have expectations from partners and relationships. They add some “juice” to the relationship: you expect things to happen, you fantasize about them, and you make an effort to ensure they will “come true”. When this happens – it’s wonderful.

But expectations might harm a relationship, rather than enliven it. If you expect them to materialize only because “that’s the way it is supposed to happen”, you are liable to sabotage your relationship.

HANGING ON TO SOCIAL CONVENTIONS MIGHT HARM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

This sabotaging happens when your expectations about partners and relationships are based on social conventions and not on your own ideas: when they rely on the “norm”; on what people “expect”; on what is “acceptable”; on the “unwritten rules” of dating, and so on. The problem is that when you expect yourself and your partner to behave according to these “norms”, according to what society and therefore you consider acceptable, you are liable to find yourself, time and again, disappointed and frustrated.

EXPECTING TO GO TO BED ON THIRD DATE: BEN’S STORY

On his third date with Helen, Ben expected them to go to bed. Wasn’t it a standard procedure to go to a café on the first date, to a movie on the second and to bed on the third, he asked himself. When Helen said she wasn’t yet ready for it, he felt rejected, wondered why she wasn’t attracted to him and decided to break all contact with her.

EXPLANATION

Like Ben, you might expect that if someone goes out with you three times, it means that he/she is ready for sex. This expectation may be widely socially accepted but, when unfulfilled, might cause frustration and anger, on the one hand, and/or disappointment, guilt and shame that something may be wrong with you – that you are unattractive, boring, and so on, on the other hand. Ultimately, you might blame the other for not behaving according to "your expectations".

TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED

When your expectations are based on social conventions, you don’t think, even for a moment, whether it might be appropriate for you to expect, react or behave otherwise. You take for granted that “this is how things should be”. Consequently, you unconsciously expect your partner to see the situation the same way you do. You can’t accept that he/she might have different expectations and a different perception of reality than yours.

CHECKING AND FINE-TUNING YOUR EXPECTATIONS

The best way to not let your expectations harm your relationships is to consider:

* Whether they are “society-driven”;
* Whether they are attainable;
* Whether “the time is right”;
* Whether they are appropriate in your specific situation.

As you allow yourself to establish your own set of expectations, regardless of whether they reflect social conventions, you will be able to develop a true intimate relationship.