*** Are You Too Child-Centered?

Thirty or 40 years ago parenting in an authoritative manner i.e. “Do it because I said so and I’m the parent” was the cultural norm. “Children should be seen and not heard” was a mantra that many of our parents used. We weren’t asked about what we wanted for dinner, we weren’t offered choices, we didn’t negotiate with our parents. Our parents would simply “lay down the law.”

But cultural norms for parenting have changed. Many of us have become more “child-centered” in our parenting, but some of us have become too “laissez faire” and our children “rule the roost.” This month, I’d like to offer an assessment for you to take. See how you fair when it comes to being “child centered.”

1. How often does your child interrupt you while you are on the telephone?
a. Most of the time
b. Some of the time
c. Never/Rarely

2. Add up the number of times that you’ve met with a friend this past week and compare that to the number of times that your child had a “play date” this past week. Is the number of times that you met with a friend:
a. Equal to your child’s number of play dates
b. More than your child’s number of play dates
c. Less than your child’s number of play dates

3. Add up the number of times that you took your child to an activity outside of school the last week (unless it was a holiday) and compare it to the number of activities that you participated in for fun? Is the number of “enrichment” activities that you participated in:
a. Less than your child’s
b. Equal to your child’s
c. More than your child’s

4. In a given week, how many hours did you spend enjoying a hobby or special interest of your own?
a. 1-2 hours
b. 3 hours or more
c. 30 minutes or less

5. During the last week, how many days did you exercise for 30 minutes or more?
a. 5-7 days this week
b. 0-1 days
c. 2-4 days

6. How many meals did you make this week that were NOT altered to meet the food jags/preferences of your child?
a. 0-1 meal were NOT altered
b. 2-4 meals were NOT altered
c. 5 or more meals were NOT altered

7. Not counting telephone conversations, how many times a day would you say that your child(ren) interrupts adult conversation?
a. 2-4 times
b. 0-1 times
c. 5-7 times

8. On average, how many times a week do you “splurge” or buy your child something that was not on your list before you entered a store?
a. Never/Rarely
b. Sometimes
c. Most of the time

9. How many times this past week did you and your spouse (or a significant other) spend alone on a date?
a. 1 time
b. 2 times
c. 0 times

10. On an average day, how much time do you spend without your children present, having adult conversation with your spouse or a significant other, on issues other than parenting?
a. 0-10 minutes
b. 15- 30 minutes
c. More than 30 minutes

Scoring Grid: Circle the answer you chose for each question and add up your point total.
1. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points
2. a. 5 points b. 10 points. c. 0 points
3. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points
4. a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points
5. a. 10 points b. 0 points c. 5 points
6. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points
7. a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points
8. a. 10 points b. 5 points c. 0 points
9. a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points
10. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points
Point Total: ______

0-30 Points: Your parenting is too child-centered. You are neglecting your own needs and interests and your child(ren) are taking center stage. You may be “overindulging” them with attention, gifts or activities, which can cause them harm in the long run. Your life probably feels out of balance and you may feel drained. Your children may feel a sense of entitlement that’s not healthy. Boundaries that protect your health and emotional well being are too loose. Setting firm boundaries about time for yourself, your hobbies, your friends and significant other will demonstrate to your child that you are important, too, and that taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do. Pick one area where your boundaries are low or your self-care is lacking and start with just one goal for improvement.

35-65 Points: You’re doing some things right. You may be good at setting boundaries that communicate that adult time and conversations are honored and respected. Or maybe you’re doing a few things for yourself, but your child’s activities, interests, tastes and friendships are still too dominant in your family life. You may feel good about your parenting, but you’re likely not feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life that bring passion, fun, intellectual growth, health and creativity to your life. You are inadvertently role modeling that your needs are not as important as your child’s. Firming up your own boundaries and pursuing interests of your own will make you a happier person and demonstrate a healthy lifestyle to your child.

70-100 Points: You’re conscience of the fact that your cup needs to be full before you can give freely. You take time for yourself and probably set boundaries that let your child know that there’s a healthy division between adult and child that’s important to honor. You demonstrate to your child that his/her needs are important but your needs are equally important. You find joy in interacting with other adults and grow as a result of your encounters. Exercising, pursuing your interests, or partaking in your hobby helps you to feel less stress and more balance. Keep up the good work!