The External Batele Of The Sexes

At this stage of your life, no one has to tell you that men and women speak different languages. No doubt you’ve been on the receiving (as well as the sending) end of your share of miscommunications over the years. While men consider themselves pretty straightforward in what they say—whether or not they are interpreted that way by the woman. Women, on the other hand, acknowledge they are more complex in their communication, making it particularly difficult for a man to interpret their messages, particularly during a heated argument.
Fighting is difficult enough with strangers, but with your significant other it can be devastating. The future of a relationship often hangs in the tenuous balance. In the heat of the moment, each of you tends to say things you either don’t really mean, or at least don’t mean to express at the time. So in order to avoid flying into a rage when your loved one presses your hot button, it would be wise to use a particularly harmonious time in your relationship to create a game plan for the inevitable fight scenario that is bound to arise at some undetermined time in the future.
Triggers
First figure out what triggers arguments between you. If for example they tend to occur most often after a couple of beers or martinis, then it might be best to discuss important issues when you are imbibing nothing stronger than a Starbuck’s. If one or the other of you tends to get upset when discussing money, that’s a clue that an underlying issue must be addressed between you regarding your finances. And the list goes on from there. Look for clues, and you will find ways to improve your communication and thereby strengthen your relationship.
Communication
The biggest obstacle to harmony in any relationship is lack of communication. And the biggest obstacle to communication is the unwillingness to listen. There are three ways to listen. One is to make up you’re right, and ignore what the other is saying. A second is to listen, but with your opinion already in place. The third and most balanced way is to listen with an open mind and a desire to see the argument from the other person’s perspective. It may not be easy to do this, but if you set aside your ego and the need to win you will allow yourself to think more coolly and rationally about what may or may not be valid in your significant other’s argument. The objective here is to offer a safe place where you can determine what is really bothering the other person so you can reach a solution together and create lasting harmony between you.
Another means of improving communication between you is to assure yourself your message has been heard and deciphered. A simple way to accomplish this is simply by each party asking to the other to repeat back what they heard. If either party doesn’t get an accurate account of what was spoken, it bares repeating—perhaps using a clearer, more direct message this time. Again, one partner asks the other to repeat what was said, and the other party complies. For example, one might say, “If I heard you right, you want me to agree to do such and such…” Go back and forth this way until each party understands the message received by the other as fully as possible.
Understanding that we are all human, that we all have emotions and unresolved issues, our goal becomes much clearer. In order to avoid and/or resolve conflict, we want to call upon our own resources to interpret the needs of one another. The greater the effort we put forth to listen and comprehend, the less likely we are to have our problems—and our tempers—spin out of control.