The Ex-Factor

There is sometimes an attraction that lingers long after breaking up with an ex-significant other. Whether or not it is wise to act on those feelings depends on several factors. One thing to consider is how long it has been since you broke up and the nature of the breakup. How involved were you with this person? There is a big difference between an ex you were married to for 25 years and with whom you have children and maybe even grandchildren—and someone you’ve been seeing for a year, but with whom you have had a lot of disagreements along the way and no lasting bond. Another question you should confront: are you or your ex involved with anyone else at this stage of the game? And what does this relationship mean to each of you? Has anything changed since the breakup? Did you change? Did your ex change? In what way(s)? Was there any therapy or counseling involved? Do either of you want to make it work again? If so, is the feeling reciprocal? If only one of you is interested in making it work—it won’t, you can be sure.
One important question to consider is, why would you want to go back to a relationship that didn’t work the last time around? What feels different now? Could it be that what you conclude as love is no more than a nagging case of loneliness or lust? What kind of expectations do you have in terms of reconciliation? And what about the feelings your ex might be feeling? These are issues to be addressed before you take one step in the ex’s direction—or even make so much as a phone call.
The vacuum that is created by a failed relationship often motivates you to try reviving the old flame to make it work. It keeps you from feeling like a failure. But if your ex was abusive or had the potential for abuse, you want to be grateful you are out of the relationship once and for all. Willpower is a good thing, but in the case of a toxic relationship, you may need to experience counseling in order to break your addiction to that person. Without it, you may find yourself seeking out the same relationship all over again, or similar ones but with different names and faces.
To get clarity on your feelings, take time to get quiet and listen. Literally take some time to sit and close your eyes and feel what is going on for you. Try journaling about his too. Just sit and write at least 3 pages on this topic and see what comes forward for you. If you have someone close to you that you trust, consider asking them for some impartial feedback. Once and for all, decide what you want to create in your life before you jump into any relationship, and certainly before you take a potentially disasterly step backwards into the arms of your ex.