Understanding the Sexes

Although each gender tends to express itself quite differently, most philosophical teachings agree that the soul is neither male nor female. As souls, we incarnate into a gender in order to learn through that experience. Through our experimentation with the various qualities of each sex, we are seeking to experience our true whole self.

Until we do experience our inner fullness, we seek to find completion externally through a love partner.

This effort toward attunement with the opposite sex brings stability, joy, security and affirmation, but it is not without problems and challenges. One main challenge is being able to understand, respond to and find solutions for the need differences when they occur. We have already discussed some of these main conflicts such as differing needs for:

a. Cleanliness - order

b. Affection, sex

c. The use of money

d. How to bring up children

e. Social activity

Many of these conflicts are indicated in the Situations and Lessons presented before each chapter.

We have also already expressed that most of these conflicts actually have to do with:

1. Freedom vs. control = power

2. Who is right and correct = self-worth

In addition to these differing needs, men and women have different ways of and motives for communicating. Both, of course, use communication as a means to express needs, prove they are right and establish their self-worth.

Studies have shown, however, that women use communication to create an emotional connection, thus the communication itself is the purpose. Men seem to perceive communication as a means toward some result, such as solving a problem. Therefore, we often have the situation in which a woman will start a conversation about a subject, not because she wants a solution, but because she experiences a connection through the communication itself. The man however, feels that communication has only one purpose - - to arrive at a conclusion or solution, after which there is no need to communicate. Thus, the universal problem that women feel men are aloof and men that women are interrogators.

This is especially true whenever a woman wants to talk about emotions. Men generally do not feel comfortable talking about emotions. If they are talking about the woman¢s emotions, they are likely to feel they are to blame and are being criticized since the woman is not happy. If a woman expresses an emotion, she usually wants recognition of the fact that she feels that way. A man does not realize this and seeks in the least possible words to convince her there is no reason to feel this way. He seeks a solution. She then loses her vehicle of connecting.

If the woman wants to talk about the man¢s emotions, the situation is even worse. First of all, he does not know what his emotions are. He has been trained for a whole lifetime not to feel, to hide and shut off his emotions. Secondly, even if he has some awareness of what he feels, he feels totally demeaned if he has to admit that he feels self-doubt or fear. A man does not like to admit his fears or weaknesses.

This, of course, is a generalization, and there will be exceptions, but observation will show how true it is. We have here a serious problem in communication in which each sex will need to understand the other. Women need to understand that when men are aloof or do not communicate their feelings and thoughts, it is often simply because they function differently and not because they do not love their love partner. They experience unity, not so much through words, but rather through action, such as working to make money and provide for the family.

Men, on the other hand, need to understand a woman¢s need to generate feelings of unity and love through verbal communication. Men need to acknowledge women¢s feelings rather than find reasons why they shouldn¢t have them.

WOMEN¢S COMPLAINTS ABOUT MEN

Throughout thirty years of working with couples and groups, I have observed the following complaints women have about men. These observations have been made in a Mediterranean society and may, of course, differ from others.

1. They are not understanding enough.

2. They are not sensitive to feelings and needs.

3. They are not affectionate enough.

4. They tend to ignore sexual foreplay are quick to ejaculate and lose their sexual interest before the woman is satisfied.

5. They do not communicate enough. They do not express their feelings and thoughts.

6. They do not pay enough attention to their wives.

7. They do not spend enough time at home with the children

8. They do not help with order and cleanliness of the home.

9. They do not appreciate the work involved in keeping up the home or in bearing and bringing up children, and do not compensate this contribution to family life.
10. They make decisions about work and life without regarding the woman¢s or the family¢s needs.

11. They are not monogamous and engage in extramarital relationships

MEN¢S COMPLAINTS ABOUT WOMEN

1. Women complain, criticize and nag too much.

2. They try to control and suppress men.

3. They are seldom happy.

4. They tend to withhold sex as a punishment or a form of blackmail.

5. They do not think logically, but emotionally.

6. Their emotions are not predictable and change quickly, especially due to hormones when having their period, during pregnancy or during menopause.

7. They are unpredictable.

8. They tend to gossip.

9. They too engage in extramarital relationships.

10. They are not home often enough (which for many men means ? "always").

11. They are not taking enough care of the home.

THE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES AND MESSAGES
THAT LEAD TO THIS CONFUSION

These differences and resulting confusion and conflicts are created by our childhood programming about men, women and the relationships between them. Some of those messages were received through statements we had heard but mostly by observing our parents and other role models.

Some of the negative conclusions about relationships might be:

1. It is a solution for our basic needs.
2. It is the purpose of life.
3. It gives us self-worth and social acceptance.
4. One loses one¢s freedom.
5. It is a contest of wills.
6. One will suppress the other.
7. We cannot be ourselves.
8. The other might cheat on us.
9. We might be abandoned.
10. A person alone cannot be safe and secure.
11. A person alone is not socially acceptable.
12. I must protect my freedom from my partner.
13. I must prove I am right and the other is wrong.
14. I must control the other so I will not be controlled.
15. I am not worthy of love.
16. I am not enough to keep the other.
17. If the other knows me well enough, he or she will not want to be with me.
18. If the other loved me, he/ she would always do what I want or need.
19. I will be the victim in a relationship.
20. I must be better than wife / husband.
21. Close relationships are difficult.
22. I might be hurt by the other.
23. I will have to sacrifice my needs for the other.
And many others.

We can imagine how such beliefs will undermine our relationships. We need to free ourselves from such negative perceptions that form our reality. This will require work on our subconscious programmings, as described in The Psychology of Happiness, and usually requires professional guidance.

Until such a time when we can make this inner transformation, we will benefit from the following positive perceptions. They can be written, reflected upon or implanted into the subconscious in the state of deep relaxation. The numbers preceding the following positive beliefs are created in relationship to the same numbers in the above list of negative beliefs.

Some of the positive conclusions about relationships might be

1. A relationship is an opportunity for evolution into love and freedom from the ego.

2. It is a means toward purpose of life.

3. Our self-worth and security are within us and not a result of being in a relationship.

4. I am free as long as I love.

5. Relationships are opportunities to merge our will with the other and create a greater reality.

6. Each will support and inspire the other.

7. We can be ourselves when we are free from fear.

8. The other will respect and love me.

9. I deserve lasting love and respect.

10. I am safe and secure even when I am alone.

11. I am socially acceptable exactly as I am - even alone.

12. My partner and I respect each other's freedom.

13. I need not prove I am right - love attracts love.

14. We allow each other the freedom to be ourselves.

15. I am worthy of love and respect exactly as I am.

16. I am quite enough to keep the other.

17. If the other knows me well enough, he or she will want to be with me even more.

18. The other loves me even when he/ she cannot do what I want or need.

19. I create my own reality.

20. I am equal to my wife / husband.

21. Close relationships are beautiful.

22. I will never be hurt by the other. Only my own programmings can hurt me.

23. I sacrifice my needs out of love, but not out of fear or duty.

UNDERSTANDING NEEDS

We need to understand each other, to put ourselves in the other¢s shoes and realize from within how the other feels. This will allow us to not take personally the other¢s behavior, realizing that it is a result of the other¢s inner needs and not an attempt to hurt us. The following exercise in examining needs will help with that.

SOME NEEDS WE MIGHT HAVE FROM OUR LOVE PARTNER

Mark your needs and add others you would like to be respected or fulfilled in this relationship or in general in a relationship with the opposite sex.

1. Love (or greater expression of it)

2. Respect

3. Understanding (of what?)

4. Acceptance as we are

5. Acknowledgement and affirmation

6. Trust

7. Freedom to think and function as we believe and in accordance with our needs

8. A peaceful environment

9. Affection and erotic contact

10. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of our abilities and powers

11. To be listened to without hearing criticism or advice.

12. Satisfaction with us.

13. Inspiration

14. To be just with us - to behave toward us as he or she would like us to behave toward him of her

15. To agree with our beliefs and ideals or at least accept and respect them

16. Tï express his or her true feelings, needs and beliefs

17. Freedom of movement

18. To keep our agreements

19. To be sexually devoted to only us

20. To have patience with our weaknesses

21. To be supported during difficult moments

22. To express gratitude for all we offer him or her

23. To acknowledge our positive qualities

24. To be alone when we do not feel well or when we have the need

24. To get out more often

26. To get more rest

27. To be given more help in the chores

28. For greater attention when we speak

29. To do more things together

30. For greater responsibility on his or her part

31. To be on time

32. To receive more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness

33. To behave as we like in our home.

34. To take care of him/her self.

Other___________________________________

Now place a special mark next to those needs that in your perception are not being fulfilled enough in your relationship.

Having done so, seek to discover whether your lesson is to:

1. Express these needs more dynamically through I-messages

2. Get free from the needs

3. Get free from subconscious beliefs (fears, guilt) that prevent you from manifesting this need

4. Some combination of the above

According to your discoveries, make a plan for proceeding toward a happier reality.

OUR LOVE PARTNERS¢ NEEDS

Mark what you believe to be your love partner¢s needs
(Or the members of the opposite sex¢s general needs)

1. Love (or greater expression of it)

2. Respect

3. Understanding (of what?)

4. To accept them as they are

5. Acknowledgement and affirmation

6. Trust

7. Freedom to think and function as they believe and in accordance with their needs

8. A peaceful environment

9. Affection and erotic contact

10. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of their abilities and powers

11. To be listened to them without hearing criticizing or advice

12. To be satisfied with them

13. To inspire them

14. To be just with them ? for us to behave toward them as we would like them to behave toward us

15. To agree with their beliefs and ideals or at least accept and respect them

16. Tï express our true feelings, needs and beliefs

17. Freedom of movement

18. To keep our agreements

19. To be sexually devoted to only them

20. To have patience with their weaknesses

21. To be supported during difficult moments

22. To express gratitude for all that they offer us

23. To acknowledge their positive qualities

24. To be alone when they do not feel well or when they have the need

25. To get out more often

26. To get more rest

27. To receive more help in the chores

28. To be given greater attention when they speak

29. To do more things together

30. For greater responsibility on our part

31. To be on time

32. To receive more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness

33. To behave as they like in our home and elsewhere

34. For us to take care of ourselves

Other___________________________________

Now place a special mark on the other¢s needs that you consider to be the least satisfied by yourself in this relationship.

POSSIBLE LESSONS

Then consider possible lessons:

1. To feel okay even if your loved one¢s need is not satisfied

2. To free yourself from any obstacles that keep you from satisfying your loved one¢s needs

3. To communicate more effectively about this through I-messages and active listening

4. To find practical solutions so you both can be happy

5. Some combination of the above

Once you have made your discoveries, move forward toward a more loving relationship.

WHAT WE CAN DO

Given this situation, we can do the following to create a more loving and growth-conducive relationship:

1. Take full responsibility for our reality.

2. Free the other from any responsibility for our reality.

3. Perceive the other as our teacher and learn through both his or her positive and negative attributes. Learn to emulate the positive, and to understand, accept and deal with the negative.

4. See what lessons we need to learn through the other¢s behaviors that annoy us. We have dedicated a future chapter to this process.

5. Learn to communicate more effectively with the other through I-messages and active listening

6. Understand the other¢s:

a. Needs (such as: affection, love, approval, freedom, respect, unity)
b. Beliefs (such as: I am in danger, I am not worthy, My freedom is in danger)
c. Reactions

7. Do not speak to others about our loved one, but only directly to him or her (except, of course, a counselor).

8. Participate in groups for the purpose of self-knowledge and creating interpersonal harmony.

9. See a professional counselor together.

10. Participate in each other¢s activities.

11. Express love and admiration such as:

a. Gratitude for help and service

b. Acknowledgment of what the other does

c. Recognition of the other¢s abilities, qualities and virtues

d. Love and appreciation

12. Meet regularly for communication on all levels. This is best done on a weekly basis.

13. Visualize the other in light and send love on a daily basis.