Sex With the Ex: Should You?

SEX WITH YOUR EX: SHOULD YOU?
When Is Sleeping with a Former Partner a Bad Idea?
Copyright © 2009 By: John D. Moore
www.mychicagotherapist.com

Six months ago, you discovered that the “love of your life” was sleeping around with others, causing you to dump the jerk like yesterday’s trash. Perhaps something else happened, such as the sudden realization that you were taking on massive debt due to your ex’s financial irresponsibility. Or maybe you decided to kick the scoundrel to the curb because the person was abusive. After you “broke it off”, you made a solemn promise to yourself that you wouldn’t have anything to do again with the loser and removed any trace of the relationship from your home. Then one night it happens -- you are out at a bar and run into your former partner. You have a few drinks and reminisce about old times and find yourself strangely aroused. The next morning arrives and you awaken to find the idiot next to you in your bed, causing you to put a pillow over your head in regret. Your ex wakes up and says, “I had a great time with you. Do you want to do it again?”

Can you relate? If you have slept with your ex-partner, you are not alone. It’s only natural to want to return to what’s familiar. How often have you heard someone say, “We never really got along -- but the sex was great,” or “We had nothing in common – except for the bedroom.”

Having sex with your ex isn’t necessarily a bad thing, provided you are able to keep things in emotional perspective. For most of us however, this is a near impossibility given our relational history with the person that caused us harm. So how do you avoid an emotional disaster when confronted with the decision of having “Sex with the Ex?”

Consider asking yourself the following six questions:

1. Will having sex with this person cause emotional pain?

2. Will my EX use the sexual experience to try and resurrect the relationship?

3. Will I be repeating the same patterns of the past with this person by opening up the sexual door?

4. Will I be betraying any promises to myself by allowing this person into my life again, if even in a sexual capacity?

5. How will having sex with my ex cause me to feel afterwards?

6. Are my motives purely physical, or is there something more?

7. Will having sex with this person help me create a sense of closure or a misguided sense of connection?

8. Am I having with the person because of repressed feelings of guilt for breaking off the relationship?

If your answers to these questions have given you pause for concern, then “Sex with your Ex” may not be the wisest choice. To be sure, it is easy to allow a physical attraction to another person to get in the way of good judgment (especially if the sex was extremely passionate). But as with most things that involve affairs of the heart, sex can often be confused with love. This begs the all-important question: How can you mentally say “No” to sex with your ex when your body is crying out “Yes”?

The answer to this question requires three critical components, involving the difficult task of self-reflection:

1.Try to remember the reasons you decided to break off the relationship with your ex in the first place. It might help to ask yourself, “What emotional trauma am I opening myself up to by sexually reconnecting with this person?” or “Am I taking a step back in my life by reconnecting with this person, rather than moving ahead?”

2.Second, keep focusing on the reasons as to why you ended the relationship in the first place and then stick to your guns. This may mean having to revisit some unpleasant (and painful) memories of the past. However, this is a necessary step in order to inoculate yourself from possible future harm.

3. Don’t be afraid to tell your ex-partner that you want to keep the relationship non-sexual. Be forewarned: REJECTION OFTEN CAUSES THE OTHER PERSON TO SEEK YOU OUT EVEN MORE. If your former partner cannot accept your wishes, then make it clear to t he person that you will have to sever contact. This may sound brutal, however this is the best way to avoid problems in the future.

By following these few simple precepts, you can protect yourself emotionally. Down the road, you will meet another “love of your life” and what’s more, go on to build the relationship of your dreams!