How to Get the Girl By Being the Girl (And The Man)

Welcome to another empowering and enlightening edition of the Tao Power Dating lessons. Let's see what the mailbag has in store for us today...

***Letter from a woman***

Dr. Alex,

My friend Bill forwarded your email to me. I think that your advice is excellent. I agree with your strategy about the first kiss. My current beau did not kiss me on the first date and I was indeed left wondering. I am definitely not the fastest horse out of the gate, though, and probably did not give him many “buy signs.”

Needless to say, I was nervous on the second date and thrilled when he kissed me late into the date. When he dropped me off, I kissed him goodbye, which was a first for me. I am traditional…and always let the man lead physically (until the relationship is serious, then I will occasionally come on to him). I especially like your advice about setting the pace of the relationship. I do want to get married, and when the relationship really begins sailing along -- I accelerate it too much and scare off my beau. Have you written or do you recommend a book to help women with dating strategy?

Thanks,
Jenny

Thanks for writing in, Jenny. I really appreciate it when women write in to confirm my brilliant insights. First off, it makes me feel smart. And special. Second, it shows the guys that this isn't just mumbo-jumbo that some hermit came up with, huddled up in his cave looking at tea leaves. This is actually the way the world works.

I'm working on the book for women. And as a gesture of thanks for writing in, I'm happy to send you a copy when it comes out. In the meantime, "If the Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl is the best thing out there for your particular case. Be patient, enjoy the journey, and be aware of the abundance. Don't let yourself get hungry or think that he's the only one for you.

The more tightly you hold on to something, the more you're signaling to the Universe that you're afraid of losing it. And since the Universe responds by confirming your dominant thoughts, next thing you know, “Poof!” He's gone. So…loosen the grip. Be grateful for what you have, and at the same time recognize that there's a lot more where that came from, especially for you.

Your letter brings up a bunch of really good points for the guys, too. The first is the whole idea of leading physically, which is a subset of leading in general. The second biggest theme in The Tao of Dating is leading (the first is wealth-consciousness, which we touched on in a previous newsletter). In Chapter 5, in the section "On Being a Man", I talk about the three cardinal characteristics that make a man (as opposed to a boy).

Way back when, tribes used to have rituals to mark the passage from boyhood to manhood. After that ceremony, you knew that the boy was left behind, and now the only thing present was the power and responsibility that came with being a man. There are still some of those ceremonies left -- bar mitzvah comes to mind, or that thing they do in the Amazon jungle where they make you wear a glove made of angry bullet ants, with their stings pointing *inside*…this last one was on the National Geographic Channel the other night -- freakiest thing I've EVER seen.

But I digress. The point is, in today's world, the line of demarcation between boy and man has blurred. People say things like "30 is the new 20," and there are 34-year-old men still living with mom. When do you stop being a kid, and start being a man? When you get a diploma? When you have your first kiss? First time you have sex? Nobody seems to know.

Now if you wish to hire a Rabbi and a klezmer band, or go gather 100 bullet ants to sting you (called 'bullet ants' because their stings feels like being shot), you're welcome to do that. But in The Tao of Dating e-book, my manual about The Thinking Man and how he can have Success with Women, I propose a much simpler method:

Three little things you can do *right now*. And they cost nothing.

Here's what you do: get rid of all the mental clutter, and decide once and for all to have these three things in your life:

1. Total self-acceptance;
2. An internal frame of reference;
3. Leadership.

In this article, we're focusing on Leadership. And the idea is, that in the dance of life, one person leads -- and the other follows. And I'm thinking that if your partner in that dance is a woman, then it's your job, your *duty*, to lead. Always.

Now there's a bit of finesse to this. Always taking the lead doesn't mean being a bully or a tyrant. It means *being* a leader. It means being in control without being controlling…dominant without being dominating.

Let me offer up a few examples. Suppose you're in the car, and she's driving. She's leading, right? Well, sort of. Even though she is driving, this does not mean that you have abdicated your role as leader. This means that you still know exactly where you're going, and how to get there. If something goes wrong, you're still in charge. You still have *responsibility*. And responsibility gives you power. The same way that power gives you responsibility.

Okay, okay, so you're thinking, "Umm, buddy, how is this gonna make me score more makeouts?" Right. Well, here's where it applies to your dating life in a practical way:

A woman will never lead the physical interaction with you. Never. It is your job, your *duty* to move the physical part forward. If you wait for her to kiss you first, you probably won't get kissed in this lifetime.

But waitasec, you're thinking. In the letter up there, the guy *didn't* kiss her on the first date. What's going on there? How is that physically leading?

Ah, grasshopper. You are catching on to the weird and wonderful wisdom of the Tao.

See, in Taoism, they talk about male energy ('yang') and female energy ('yin'). And, if you remember what the yin-yang (or tai-chi) symbol looks like, it's got a white (yang) segment and a black (yin) segment, with a little dot of the opposite color in each segment.

In practical terms, this means that if you're a guy, you've got to have a little bit of the feminine energy in you. You've got to let yourself be chased a little bit.

So how can you let yourself be chased while you're leading at the same time? The wisdom of the Tao is sometimes paradoxical and counterintuitive, my friend. There's a
relevant quote that comes to mind from the Tao Te Ching (from Chapter 69, strangely enough):

"The generals have a saying: "Rather than make the first move, it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch, it is better to retreat a yard."

This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons."

What Jenny's boyfriend did in the letter is exactly that: by retreating a little bit, he was moving the relationship forward, because Jenny became *more* interested in him. At the same time, he was being “the girl.” He was letting himself be chased. Get it?

He was setting the overall agenda and pace for the interaction. That's leading. That's being a man. And within that, he was bringing in a little bit of yin energy (a little bit of the girl).

It is this combination, my friends -- this balance between yang and yin -- that can make you *irresistible*. It's just the way the world works. And I show you how to do it, step by step -- with practical, easy-to-follow examples, in my e-book “The Tao of Dating."

I'm 100% committed to helping you succeed brilliantly, and look forward to opportunities to help you out with that. As such, I'm interested in your comments and personal questions. Just put "Question" in the subject field, and I'll try to back to you as soon as
possible in the next newsletter. You can reach me at dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com

The power is within you,
Dr Alex