Abuse to Recovery

CHAPTER 1
INTRODUCTION

My intention is to share with others what I've experienced and researched, what I've lived, and how the Holy Spirit has worked a miracle in my life.

What I have attempted to do in this summary is to give the reader a glimpse of each chapter and the focus which I have taken with each part of my story.

The purpose of this story is to assist those individuals who feel/think that they may be suffering from compulsive or abusive behaviour or who feel/think that they may be suppressing some original pain from their past and desire to do something about it. This story is partly my personal story from abuse to recovery through self-discovery, down within and back again. It is also a serious look at social issues which have affected my becoming abusive and which once in recovery have stirred in me thoughts and feelings which need expressing. It is my hope that, by putting these issues in the public light through the publication of this story, I may stimulate a social discussion which will be beneficial to many.

It's time to stop castrating men for the sins of their fathers and mothers, their grand-parents and their ancestors. It's time to stop the blaming and shaming in our families and in our society.

It is, however, not too late to begin healing what used to be considered taboo to talk about. It is time for men to regain their social position as role-models for their daughters and sons. It's time for men and women to give themselves permission to feel their original pain and to be healed.

CHAPTER 2
BACKGROUND

I was born on the 11th of October,1952, and, among other historical anecdotes have a University degree in Sociology with interests in geneology, music, spirituality,politics, economics and history.

When I was young I disobeyed my mother and got strapped by my father. I would lie to get out of getting punished. And my lying became such common-place that my parents didn't know when I was lying and when I was telling the truth. This resulted in my getting more punishment. I developed as a consequence a deep resentment towards my parents because I felt betrayed and emotionally abandoned.

The result was the creation of a deep wound which I would try to bury for twenty years with chemical dependency. I have succeeded to uncover my original wound and to heal it during the last fifteen years of therapy. I now am a stronger man, knowledgeable of my wound and proud to show my battle scars.

I have undergone individual therapy for two years, marital therapy for two years, and group therapy full-time for fifteen years. I belong to a men's self-help support group which meets every three weeks wherein I find support, energy, and identity of what it is to be deeply masculine and totally human.

I have found my inner needs, am healing my childhood wounds and am achieving growth within a safe and nurturing environment.

CHAPTER 3
TRANSITION

From the very start, once I has admitted my powerlessness over drugs and alcohol, I was on my way to healing my body, then my mind, and finally my spirit. Its through the meetings and the sharing in my twelve-step recovery group that I was able to recognize the steps that I had to take towards recovery. There were no short cuts.

CHAPTER 4
THE NEED FOR GRIEF-WORK/
FACING THE ORIGINAL PAIN

Looking and touching my inner wound was really scary at first , but it isn't as scary as the uncertainty of what damage I would do to myself and others if I didn't.

I underwent a spiritual awakening as a result of my sharing my original pain during a week-end encounter with a group of men who had walked the road of introspection and inner grief-work before me . It is by being exposed to the caring and understanding of grief-conscious men that I was able to risk touching my original pain. I made the realization that I was not alone, that to be wounded as an adult man is allright to face, and that to touch my original pain was less painful than to continue the destructive and annihilating journey that was behind me, I was able to face my original pain, to go down within myself and to start releasing the years of repressed pain, grief, loss, disappointment, and shame that I had felt but not allowed myself to express because there was an inner tape that kept playing: "It's not ok to show your emotions, to feel good, to let go of the pain".

CHAPTER 5
BEING ABUSIVE

I previously used to criticize, blame, and shame others because my inner critical parental voices were constantly reminding me of my inadequacy, my under-achievement, and my being worthless or at least not meeting the expectations of parents, teachers, employers,etc. Because I was unable to meet their standards of performance during my youth I repressed my original pain and projected my repressed rage upon weaker individuals willing to be in a victim stance. The result has been emotional and verbal abuse against my children, friends, acquaintances, and a broken marriage after fifteen years of projected emotion.

CHAPTER 6
STOPPING THE ABUSE

The ownership of one's emotions especially anger is paramount to recovering from a pattern of abusive behaviour. Acting-out is the process of projecting our emotion without owning it. This is how I used to deflect having to face my emotions and expecially the original pain which had been repressed for so many years. I would escape in compulsive behaviour. Compulsive behaviour may be manifested by over-indulging in alcohol or other drugs, work, food, sex, or leisure and can be a form of acting-out if it becomes a reactive pattern replacing the healthy expression of emotion.

CHAPTER 7
BOUNDARIES

Pamela Levin's book "Cycles of Power" has been instrumental for helping me develop boundaries which have in turn helped me clean out the garbage of resentment and hostility from my inner-sanctuary allowing positive affirmations of my self-worth and self-value to fill it with strong, positive energies replacing the negative energy-draining tapes which used to live and play there.

This is achieved by repeating often to oneself a set of positive affirming statements which reassure the individual of one's uniqueness, value, and right to take one's place, to allow one to be seen, praised, and loved for who they are not for how well they perform. Eg. I approve of myself, I am glad that I am a man or woman(depending on the context), I deserve to be here,I don't have to hurt to get my needs met.

CHAPTER 8
FUNCTIONAL VERSUS DYSFUNTIONAL PARENTING

It's very important from the onset to establish that it's not all women that are dysfuntional just like it's not all men who are dysfunctional either as individuals or as parents.

There are many instances of women and men who have been raised in families where identities are strong, where boundaries are respected, and where the emotions are safely expressed allowing for a healthy> development of the child, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. These are a lot of criteria to have working in any family therefore there is bound to be some degree of dysfunction in most families; so when I speak of the need of the woman to control those around her, I'm speaking of those women who use control as a mechanism of defense, and/or retaliation for having been previously victimized by either their parents, grand-parents, employers, or spouse.

CHAPTER 9
THE REPRESSION AND PROJECTION OF EMOTIONS

The reality is that most men and women who are repressing some form of original pain use these forms of verbal and non-verbal forms of projected emotion: shaming, blaming, critical reasoning, threatening, coercing; withdrawing, manipulating, controlling, abandoning and denying.

There is however a healthy way to express repressed emotion without hurting anybody else. That is by first of all being connected to the emotion. This can be achieved by facing the original pain to which the emotion is attached and owning it. This is called going down within and being with one's pain. It can be done in a safe environment of other men who have allready done some grief-work or with a therapist in whom you have confidence. The issue of trust and security of not being judged while you are touching your pain is paramount. There has to be a confidence that you will not be hurt further by allowing yourself to touch and to show your pain.

CHAPTER 10
MASCULINE EMPOWERMENT

The use of sex and sexual attraction to seduce and control men is a very important element of losing control and self-empowerment to women by men. Women have been taught the art of seduction by their mothers as role-models and SOME WOMEN USE IT DYSFUNCTIONALLY upon men to obtain and maintain control.

The use of seduction to disempower men is common and needs to be owned by women as a form of social behaviour which MAY CONTRIBUTE to abuse and exploitation.

CHAPTER 11
USE OF THE CROSS-SEXUAL PERSPECTIVE

The purpose of examining female behaviour from a male perspective is intended to provide a greater understanding of the dynamic at work in couple relationships. Behaviour modification is an ongoing process in relationships. Each part of the couple changes and grows in response to inner needs and outer demands.

Men and women should view it in their best interests to deal with their original pain. This would assist their personal and social relationships and would be a great contribution to reducing the total amount of pain in the world.

CHAPTER 12
UNDOING STEREOTYPICAL BEHAVIOUR

I believe that humanity needs to strip itself of its rigid stereotypes of how the media and the institutions perceive what it means to be a "man" and a"woman". It is only by undoing generations of behaviour imprinting and developping new tapes to hear and play that we as men and women can hope to break the cycle of violence and abuse that operates in our societies.

The only way for us as men and women to break that cycle is to own and safely express our emotions, especially our anger, doubt, anxiety, frustration, and worry. It is important for us to make meaning of the feelings which are aroused in us by events in our society, that we view in the media and experience in our everyday social and personal lives.

CHAPTER 13
HEALING OUR DIFFERENCES AS MEN AND WOMEN

Another important point which has to be raised is this spreading of paranoia by the media, the feminist woman's groups, and even the new pro-feminist men's movement that all men are potential abusers. The paranoia which this false belief perpetuates is to slur and to project pain upon men which doesn't belong to us. It belongs to those who are afraid of facing their original pain and owning it. This paranoia that men are all potential abusers drives women against men and drives most men against each other. This paranoia is sowing the seed of mistrust and division in our society. The assumption which underlies this paranoia is false: that all men are potential abusers. There is no evidence to support that all men under the same conditions will become abusive.

CHAPTER 14
LEGAL REFORM

The laws which exist to protect individuals in society against projected pain are grossly inadequate. The existing laws treat abusers as criminals and labels them as deviant.

I believe that legal reform needs to review the recent work done with men's groups where abusive men have reconnected with their original pain and by healing that pain have been able to stop abusive behaviour.

Society needs to see the problem as a generationally transmitted problem which affects the whole family and for which both parents in a abusive household are jointly responsible.

* * *

It is important for the person being abused to remove themselves from the abusive situation. The need for temporary shelters is evident in the establishment of shelters in the last ten years as society has started to open its eyes upon the demand for help which is out there and which is beginning to be voiced.

The danger that needs exposure, however, is that to label all men as potential abusers may cause permanent social damage. The danger is that in treating victims of abuse we may forget that the abusers are themselves victims of repressed anger. Let us not forget that these abusers are without the tools necessary to stop their abuse. This book intends to provide healing tools for the abuser. Legal reform is a necessary social measure to assist in providing those tools to abusers.