You can't divorce your kids

Have you been divorced in the past, just recently or just about to go ahead with it? Was it your own decision and choice or his/hers against your own wish? Whichever the case, it is possible to divorce your spouse. It may be hurtful, stressful, difficult or even quite relieving but it is possible. If we have children, however, their situation amongst the divorce is a different ball game altogether. We simply cannot sign divorce papers with them, shut the door and start all over again. It is because our relationship with our kids is a lifetime one; it is there simply forever.

Many years ago, before I started practicing, I met someone who told me “ There is damage and there is damage control”. It didn’t mean much to me when I was young but with age and maturity I learnt to appreciate the practical wisdom of this saying.

Of course the divorce will have an impact on the kids, it will change their lives forever but it doesn’t have to be a devastating change. It can be an experience, which while managed with care, may give them the opportunity to grow and become stronger. (Please do not interpret these words as if I am supporting today’s commonality of divorce, no, I do not. In fact, I believe that breaking up the marriage should be our last resource, and many people haven’t explored all their options). All I’m saying is that if we have to divorce, it is better to use the situation for growth rather then destruction.

So what can we do to make our kids’ life easier during and after divorce?

First of all, we need to think what is it in the divorce process that is so damaging to our children. What are the needs that stop being met during the process? Depending on the age and number of your children, you are about to witness at least the following:

1. Guilt – most children believe that they have done something bad for the divorce to happen. They may spend days and nights trying to remember what was the last thing they did before you announced the “news”.

2. Fear – they feel that because you don’t love each other anymore you will also stop loving them. What they have just learnt is that we love someone one day and the next day we don’t.

3. Insecurity – the stability of their home is shaking. There could be plans to move, reduce standard of living, changing schools, loosing friends, etc. While it may be normal for you, for them it may mean a catastrophe. They look at the experiences of their friends whose parents have divorced in the past and assume that all the same “disasters” will happen to them.

4. Hope – children will try to remedy the situation by being “really good” in hope that you get back together. They will try to mend your relationship, plot events to bring you together.

5. Sadness – mourning for the good times they had with you together. Thinking about the things that will never happen again.

6. Confusion – children may feel that they will be expected to choose between the two of you, that they must label you “good” or “bad”, to decide who’s fault it is. Remember, in children’s world people are only good or bad, no room for grey areas.

All of the above, and any many other feelings that our children go through, must be addressed or they will develop into more serious abnormalities and behaviour problems.

So what can be done?

First of all it must be acknowledged that kids are people too, their have the right to react, to feel, to try to understand, to interpret. And they do that according to their age, knowledge of the world, past experiences. We as parents are there to help that process, as we always used to. When the dog died, you were there, when they fell of the bike, you were there, when Santa didn’t bring what he was supposed to, you were there. When Mum and Dad are getting divorced you need to be there too. Even if you are THAT MUM or THAT DAD. It is your job. It’s hard. You have your own emotions to deal with, maybe more then ever before, you hate your spouse for what they did to you, you would rather never see them again, but it isn’t the kids’ fault. Your energy isn’t endless and it’s burning fast. If you don’t want to be caught short you better invest now. The best INVESTMENT is to start looking after the children right from the start.

These simple strategies will make your life easier:

Explain that the two of you are going separate ways now but it has nothing to do with the children. It will affect them but they haven’t caused it. It is not their fault.

Talk to them. – Be open, don’t lie. Show your own emotions and let them show theirs. Cry together if you have to. Give them the right to feel sad, angry, scared, etc. Say the changes will happen but you will be there to help them, you will do your best as you always did. This hasn’t changed.

Show them your love. – In a simple way. Trying to compensate for the divorce by spending more money on gifts will only make it worse. It will teach them that emotional needs can be met by money. Spend time with them. It is also very therapeutic for you to spend quality time with kids. They are great teachers in expression, communication and love. Let them do little things for you to show how much they love you.

Keep the discipline going. - Don’t ease up the rules because you feel sorry for them. These will add into insecurity. Keep rules as close to the old ones as possible. It helps them believe that the world is not collapsing completely.

Respect their other parent. – You have serious issues with him/her. It’s your problem. Do not criticise in front of the kids. If there is not much good to say – say nothing. Do not lie.

Above all, remember you don’t have to do it all by yourself. If you feel that you are loosing it, ask for help and support. The world cannot run on giving only. Sometimes you must receive. Give help when you can. Ask for it when you need it.