Are You Asking For What You Really Want?

Been on the road for a couple of days, which is why I've been out of touch for a few. Today I'm writing you from Book Expo America at New York City's Jacob Javits Convention Center.

I'm absolutely thrilled to be here for many reasons.

I've been coming here for four years now, and as a book addict, it's just great to be swimming in a sea of books for four days.

Also, I'm taking a seminar or two to inspire myself to create new material for you guys and find ways of bringing the Tao message to a larger audience (a published book, you say? Stay tuned...)

In the meantime, on the way here, something happened that was a powerful lesson for me that I'm still learning.

I'm on the cross-country plane from LA to New York City. Now the guy in front of me is a mountain of a man—250lbs, easy. And as soon as the plane takes off, this guy fully reclines his seat.

Now normally, this is not a problem. You lean back, I lean back, and it all evens out.

But this guy was huge. So his seat leans a little bit *extra*. All the way into my knees. Practically on my lap. For the next 6 hours.

He was leaning so far back that I could barely read the book I had.

At this point I had a choice.

I could be polite. Well, everybody leans back in a plane, so it's only fair. I shouldn't be complaining, right? He has a right to lean back like anyone else.

But I look at his seat, and it's leaning a good 30 degrees more than anyone else. Straight into my knees.

C'mon, man. Patience. You meditate. You do yoga. You can handle this. This is not a big deal. It's only 6 hours. You've handled much worse than that.

Now, before I go on, let me ask you this:

If I don't ask this guy to pull his seatback up a little bit, what are the chances that he's going to look over and say, "Oh you poor thing, I'm sooo sorry, let me straighten my chair up for you so it doesn't ram into your knees"?

Pretty much zero.

And in a moment, all the instances in my life when I didn't ask for what I wanted came back to me— when I didn't ask the girl out because I was too shy, or because it would infringe upon her time, or because she might have a boyfriend; when I didn't ask for the regrade when the professor made a mistake grading my exam; when I didn't ask for the raise when I deserved it; when I wanted to be invited to the party, too but was afraid I'd be shut out; when I wanted to play offense on the soccer team instead of defense but didn't ask—*every* one of those instances came back.

And I asked myself: when was I going to stop this nonsense? Would I have to turn 40 to start asking for what I wanted? 50? 70?

For your information, I have relatives who are over 60 who STILL don't ask for what they want. And they wonder why they're so chronically dissatisfied.

So I leaned forward and said, firmly but politely, "Sir, your seatback is digging into my knees a little bit. Would you mind moving a little forward?"

The guy, realizing that he was practically in my lap, scrambled in a millisecond and straightened up. And my knees were smoosh-free and happy for the next 6 hours.

Now this is not a big deal. What is a big deal is the reluctance of some of us to ask for what we want.

Just the spectre of potential rejection keeps us from even framing the question that will get us what we want.

Well, get over it! At the very least, ask for godssakes. The very worst that can happen is that you'll have status quo ante bellum.

But most of the time, to your own shock and amazement, you'll end up getting what you want. Especially if you're good at phrasing your question.

That's why in the 'Tao of Persuasion' course, we teach you all about how to get up to the ask of asking for what you want, and then framing it artfully to maximize your chances of success—whether you're asking for a date, a raise, or the biggest business deal of your life.

But, back to you. I want you to think about at least one time this month when you wimped out and didn't ask for what you wanted.

Maybe someone cut in line in front of you, accidentally or intentionally, and you didn't stand your ground.

Maybe you were on the phone with someone you wanted to take out, and you didn't ask for the date.

Maybe you needed a little more time to get a project done, and you didn't ask whether it was even possible to get an extension.

The Old Testament says, "Ask and it is given."

Well, I'll tell you that asking is not necessarily a guarantee that something will be given.

But *not* asking is a definite guarantee that it won't be given.

So stand tall, gather yourself, and ask for what you want.

No need to complain. No need to explain. Just do it—fully congruent, without apology. Strengthen the muscle of intention. Next time, we're going to talk a little bit more about how to do that.

The power is within you,
Dr Alex

PS: Can you think of friends who would also find this article useful? Then show them how good a friend you are—do them a big favor and send the article to them.

PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dralex@thetaoofdating.com