8000 People, Two Massage Chairs

I was all excited. I upgraded my gym membership to "Black Card" status. Ten dollars a month more, which was a small price to pay for the enhanced benefits.

No, it wasn't the tanning beds.

No, it wasn't half price on the cooler drinks.

No, it wasn't the privilege of bringing a guest for free each day if I cared to.

No, it wasn't even the cool "black card" t-shirt I got.

It was the massage chairs.

Two, big, plush massage chairs, right at the front entrance. The automated rollers just underneath the upholstery calling out to my tired back muscles. I eyed these chairs for months, and three weeks ago finally decided to take the plunge.

Now I figured there would be times when I'd have to wait in line to get my ten or so minutes of automated shiatsu. It's a crowded gym, and an extra ten bucks a month is a small price to pay for that kind of pleasure.

Yet every single time I've intended to use them, there hasn't been anyone waiting. Come to think of it, there's only been one time I remember anyone actually using either chair.

A couple of days ago I decided to ask at the front desk. What gives?

First I was curious as to how many people actually have memberships at that location (it's a national chain). I was told 8000, or about 25% of the adult population of my town. Makes sense...it's an inexpensive place that makes lots of money on volume.

So if the normal rules of health club membership apply, about 10% of the members actually use the facility on a regular basis. That leaves 800. Just for fun, we'll say 1/3 of those - about 275 - have an upgraded membership.

And let's say of those 275, five percent of them are at the gym at any given time...13 or 14, including me.

Yet none of them care to use those chairs?

Strange. Every time I walk into Brookstone or some other upscale adult toy store there are always folks in the massage chairs, playing around (I'm often one of them). Yet when they become something you are entitled to, people stay away in droves?

What's up with that?

The health club employees don't get it either. They tell me it's one of their favorite things to use when no one else is around.

Maybe it's that everyone else goes home to the loving, tender hands of their significant other and have no need for a massage chair. Maybe I'm the only one who likes it both ways...the human touch and mechanical massage.

Who am I kidding?

I decided this is going to be one of those mysteries that will never be solved. I also decided I like it better this way. It's cool knowing I can go anytime I'd like, have a seat and have my tension stroked away by the best modern technology has to offer.