5 Signs You Are In An Abusive Marriage

1. Physical Abuse
In theory, in this country, no one can touch you as adults in any way (physically or sexually) without your permission. At the horrendous end of the spectrum of physical abuse are the stories we hear about the beating, burning, rape, mutilation, sex slaves, etc. and at the lesser end of the spectrum, we hear about people using their physicality to bully and get their way. In a healthy marriage, the couple respects each other’s physical boundaries and sex is a mutually agreed-upon part of intimacy.

In between the healthy and extremely unhealthy, we find what we put up with, what we ignore, what we can’t ignore, and finally what we can’t accept anymore. Usually, physical abuse is easier for the victim to identify with the right questions. We need to provide a safe place for the person going through physical abuse to speak about what is happening, knowing there is a strong emotional component denying, rationalizing, shaming, and blaming one’s self. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, hire a therapist qualified to help you safely leave the relationship.

2. Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse again can be on a spectrum from overt emotional abuse. “You fat pig, you stupid idiot.” To more subtle signs of abuse. “Are you really going to wear that?” “Still haven’t figured out how to cook yet have you,”, “No one would ever have you if you left me,” “Haven’t you learned anything”?. Even with these more subtle comments, we can still identify the emotional abuse happening if we give the victim examples. One client was stunned when I gave her several examples of emotional abuse which she had numbed herself into believing were normal. Other types of abuse are when you are set up and or controlled.

When one person has an important event he/she needs to prepare for and the partner feeling threatened and insecure, creates drama to sabotage the other’s success. This is a form of emotional abuse. When one partner wants to learn something new and the other feeling threatened makes fun of the new information this is also abuse.

Lying is a very destructive form of emotional abuse as well. Many forms of emotional abuse are more difficult for the victim to identify due to some accommodating behavior to accept the abuse as normal.

Emotional abuse also, unfortunately, is the hardest for the courts to identify. So the person often feels abused by the spouse and by the court. A lot more work has to be done by identifying emotional abuse. If you feel you have been a victim of emotional abuse, hire a therapist. Read books, attend workshops, so you can get the tools you will need to stop being a victim.

3. Emotional Neglect
Our partners commit to be our cheerleaders, have our backs, encourage us, give us empathy and compassion, care about our thoughts, ideas, and opinions, engage in conversations on a regular basis, and provide a safe emotional environment. When one partner withholds this emotional support to punish or just because we need to identify this behavior. Regular conversations of support are a cornerstone of a healthy marriage and a part of the asset bank of a marriage. If these are not happening, hire a therapist to see if you can get back on track. As we all know when the foundation has cracks the building is at risk.

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