Gary Nelson DMin, Fellow in American Association of Pastoral Counselors, Ordained Elder in United Methodist Church

An excerpt from: A Relentless Hope: Surviving the Storm of Teen Depression

CHAPTER 2 – LOOKING AT TEEN DEPRESSION FROM THE“INSIDE”

            Irritabilityand reactive anger, even rage, are part of the struggle for many depressedyouth. It feels like more little things bother them, and bigger things botherthem even more. In other words, little things that another might shrug off andsay, “What’s the big deal?” register as irritation on the screen of thedepressed teen. In some ways the depressed teen feels very little. They’renumb. In other ways they feel too much.

            Rememberthe last outing to the beach when you spent too much time having fun in the sunand baked yourself to a crisp? You went inside, showered, and changed. Then,that first moment you stepped back into the sun you experienced a realawakening. Gentle sunlight fell upon your skin. Normally you might welcome itas a comfortable experience. Now, with freshly charbroiled skin, you greet thesame gentle sunlight with shrieks of pain. Suddenly the gentle rays feel like ablowtorch glowing red hot against your skin. You feel the same sunlight asbefore the sunburn, but with the sunburn you feel it so much that it’sintensely painful. Feeling that kind of pain, you scream, yell, run for thecar, or do whatever else is possible to avoid the painful sunrays.           

            Thissunburn analogy is one way of grasping the idea that teens fighting depressionfeel some things too much. That’s why they seem to over react to the samestimuli experienced by others. They are not really “over reacting.” They areactually trying to deal with an intensity of feeling that others are notexperiencing. The teens are suffering from “emotional sunburns.” They feel toomuch and respond out of their pain in ways that are sometimes inappropriate andhurtful. Before going on, let’s stretch the sunburn analogy just a littlefurther.

            Supposeyou’re in that parking lot with the sunburn, you make the mad dash for your carto avoid the pain, and accidentally step on the toe of a stranger standingnearby as you race for relief. The stranger might not take the time to put allthe pieces together and figure, “Ah, they must have a whopper of a sunburn andare trying to get out of the sun. I’ll try to be understanding and not getupset with them.” No, there’s a better chance that in that squished-toe momentthe stranger will wince with pain, and shout something through clenched teethlike, “You jerk!” or worse.

            “I’msorry,” you might cry over your shoulder as you close the car door. Your glanceat the stranger shows the offered apology fell on a deaf ear and you wonder toyourself, “Why don’t they realize I was hurting and only trying to get awayfrom the pain? Why don’t they realize my stepping on their toe was an accident?I would never “try” to hurt them. I’m not that kind of person!”

            Yousee the point, don’t you? When teens begin to feel the effects of thedepression and sometimes react in strange ways to deal with the pain, theiractions can often be more reflexive than planned and consequentlymisinterpreted. They react to the pain by either trying to avoid it completely,or getting away from it once it’s struck. In the process they mightaccidentally hurt others around them. The others might easily think the teen“meant” to hurt them. If we’re not careful and observant, we might be too quickto cry, “You jerk!” as the teen runs to their sanctuary and slams the doorbehind them. 

            Thisheightened intensity from the illness can amplify other feelings in addition toirritability and anger. It can also amplify sadness, loneliness, and anxiety,just to name a few. This extra intensity leads to that feeling of beingoverwhelmed that I’ve mentioned before. Depressed and anxious teens are easilyoverwhelmed. Things that would not trigger a similar response in others set offa powerful feeling of being overwhelmed in depressed teens. That feeling ofbeing overwhelmed is not a very comfortable experience. Do you remember thelast time you felt it? Didn’t it make you want to get rid of it somehow? Didn’tyou want to run for the car when you had the sunburn?

            Whena depressed teen feels overwhelmed they don’t normally say to them selves,“Hmm, I think I’m feeling overwhelmed.” In fact, one of the goals of therapy withdepressed teens is to help them consciously identify the feeling of beingoverwhelmed and take healthy steps to respond. However, before they’ve beeneducated about their illness, the depressed teens just know they feel somethingvery uncomfortable and want to escape its hold. They do whatever they can torid themselves of the feeling.

            Wecall that act of trying to avoid or rid them selves of the painful feeling a“defense.” Their favorite defense might be that flash of anger, or withdrawal,some sort of shutdown, or some other form of escape like alcohol or otherdrugs. It’s not a rational, thought out process. The depressed teens just doit, because somehow it makes them feel better in the moment (just like youdashed for the car and stepped on the stranger’s toe.) A shutdown is anotherform of defense. The shutdown is often the depressed teen’s preferred responseto feeling overwhelmed by school and homework.

            Here’show the shutdown defense might go. The teen “zones out” or has difficultyconcentrating in class. They miss a lot of the explanations for the homework.They go home and open the book. Then they start to realize they may not knowhow to do the work, or they may understand it, but it feel like there is somuch homework that they will never be able to finish. The response then isusually, “I’ll never be able to finish all of this. It will take forever, sowhy bother.” They close the book, lie about doing the work when quizzed by aparent, and go off to school to repeat the process the next day.

            Eventuallythe depressed doesn’t even bother to look at the book. They just “know” it willbe overwhelming, so why bother. By the time a report card makes it home, thestudent is already in a deep, deep hole that further intensifies that sense ofbeing overwhelmed. They continue to practice their defense on a daily basisbecause it momentarily keeps them from feeling that awful sense of beingoverwhelmed.

Reprintedby permission of Cascade Books, an imprint

of Wipfand Stock Publishers, www.wipfandstock.com.

For more information check out the website at www.survivingteendepression.com

Dr. Nelson is available for presentations and workshops on a variety of issues for teens or adults including teen depression and related illnesses. 

www.survivingteendepression.com