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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- WHY YOU CAN LOVE AN ABUSER - by Submitted on Sep 08, 2019 from Darlene LancerFalling in love happens to us―usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the ...
Views: 821(2 votes) - Why You Were Ghosted and What to Do - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerRejection and breakups are hard enough, but being ghosted can be traumatic. It can leave you with unanswered questions that make it hard to move on. Although ghosting also occurs in friendships, it’s usually associated with dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears ...
Views: 988(2 votes) - Your Intimacy Index - How to Improve Your Intimacy - by Submitted on Nov 25, 2011 from Darlene LancerThere’s a lot of confusion about intimacy, what it really is, and how to make it happen. There’re couples married decades who can be physically close, but don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means ...
Views: 1311(2 votes) - Your Primary Spiritual Relationship - Loving Yourself - by Submitted on Aug 17, 2011 from Darlene LancerPopular culture is focused on attracting love, yet you’ll only be able to receive as much love as you give to yourself. You’ll deflect or guard love that doesn’t resonate with you – like a compliment you don’t believe. The opposite is also true. You’ll allow others to abuse you a bit less than ...
Views: 3568(3 votes) - BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-RESPONSIBILITY, AND SELF-EFFICACY - by Submitted on Oct 05, 2010 from Darlene LancerSelf-responsibility both reflects and generates self-esteem. People with high self-esteem feel that they are in charge of their lives. They have a sense of agency and self-efficacy. They take responsibility for their feelings, actions, and lives. It also means that you take responsibility for ...
Views: 2961(5 votes) - 5 Tips on How to Keep New Year's Resolutions - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerWhy bother to make resolutions and then feel disappointed or guilty for breaking them? Do you get excited and resolve to change, but within days or weeks lose interest and can’t motivate yourself? Wonder why you get sidetracked by distractions or become easily discouraged when quick results ...
Views: 2440(3 votes) - Your Intimacy Index - How to Improve Your Intimacy - by Submitted on Nov 25, 2011 from Darlene LancerThere’s a lot of confusion about intimacy, what it really is, and how to make it happen. There’re couples married decades who can be physically close, but don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. The word intimate refers to your private and essential being. Usually people think it means ...
Views: 1619(3 votes) - Codependency, Addiction, and Emptiness - by Submitted on Jul 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerEmptiness is a common feeling, and there are distinct types of emptiness, but it’s psychological emptiness that underlies codependency and addiction. Whereas existential emptiness is concerned with your relationship to life, psychological emptiness deals with your relationship to yourself. It’s ...
Views: 2227(2 votes) - Interrupting the Cycle of Chronic Pain - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerIf you suffer from chronic pain, you are not alone. Millions of Americans seek treatment for chronic pain, pain that continues for more than six months. Chronic pain is no longer viewed as a symptom, but as an illness in itself. Things we take for granted, such as eating, sleeping, dressing, ...
Views: 3724(2 votes) - Light My Fire: Transformation Through the Chakras - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerThe creative life force sleeps within each of us like a coiled serpent, waiting to be unleashed to evolve mankind to the next level. Ancient Tantric practices awaken this energy, called kundalini, using the body, breath, sound, and visualizations to speed its journey to God realization. Man ...
Views: 2943(2 votes) - Shame - The Hidden Cause of Addiction and Codependency - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerShame is so painful to the psyche that most people will do anything to avoid it – even though it’s a natural emotion that everyone has. It’s a physiologic response of the autonomic nervous system. You might blush, have a rapid heartbeat, break into a sweat, freeze, hang your head, slump your ...
Views: 3233(2 votes) - Are You Stuck in a Woman’s Role? - by Submitted on Nov 04, 2010 from Darlene LancerWomen assume many roles throughout their lives – as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and grandmothers. Women’s roles have been largely determined by the rules and expectations of culture, religion, and the patriarchy, as well as biology. Have you considered to what extent your roles have ...
Views: 1740(3 votes) - COVERT TACTICS MANIPULATORS USE TO CONTROL AND CONFUSE YOU - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany of us don't recognize manipulators or even realize they're trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands ...
Views: 999(3 votes) - What You Should Know about Narcissists, Their Partners, & NPD - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerPoor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in pool of water and died hungering for its response. Narcissism was named for him. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common ...
Views: 1509(3 votes) - Codependents are the Majority! - by Submitted on Apr 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerThe term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, research revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they ...
Views: 2400(4 votes) - Women's Self-Esteem For Stress Reduction, Balance, and Autonomy - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerIn working with women for decades, I've found that self-esteem is the common denominator of many women's issues. With better self-esteem, women are more able to find balance, handle stress, and claim their autonomy. Universally, women are considered inferior to men, and although our culture ...
Views: 2224(2 votes) - Are You a Codependent Parent? - by Submitted on Sep 01, 2012 from Darlene LancerCodependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that codependency is learned in families and passed on generationally. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are codependent, codependency gets transmitted, unless they’re self-aware and ...
Views: 3168(6 votes) - Do's and Don't's of Positive Conflict - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2013 from Darlene LancerIt’s normal to have conflict in relationships. People are different, and their desires and needs will inevitably clash. Resolving disagreements in a healthy way creates understanding and brings couples closer together. The objective should be the betterment of the relationship. This is positive ...
Views: 2341(5 votes) - How to Feel Grateful When You Don't - by Submitted on Nov 10, 2012 from Darlene LancerMany Americans struggling with health, financial, or emotional problems find it challenging to feel grateful around Thanksgiving. Some people always have a habit of looking at the negative. One reason for this is that our brains our predisposed to solve problems, and we take what makes us ...
Views: 1842(4 votes) - 6 Best Tips for a Great Valentine's Day - by Submitted on Feb 07, 2016 from Darlene LancerValentine’s Day creates a lot of expectations that are often unrealized. It's fraught with landmines, whether you’re in or out of a relationship, the grass isn’t always greener. Is your situation described here? Read six tips to having a great holiday. You’re Alone I can recall Valentine’s ...
Views: 1596(3 votes) - Breaking-Up: Should You Leave Or Can you get the Change You Want? - by Submitted on Jan 11, 2011 from Darlene LancerIs your relationship or marriage just, well, so-so? Maybe you’re not sure if you still love or ever loved your partner? Maybe he or she has many good traits – is kind, or generous, funny, or the sex is great. She’s gorgeous, or he showers you with kindness – but something is missing. Maybe your ...
Views: 1222(3 votes) - COUPLES COUNSELING - by Submitted on Feb 23, 2011 from Darlene LancerIt's very important that couples seek therapy early on, while there is still good will between them. Like with any wound, the longer it festers, the more difficult is the healing process. When couples enter therapy to "save" their marriage from divorce, often one spouse has already left ...
Views: 1559(3 votes) - Is Your Family Dysfunctional? - by Submitted on May 06, 2011 from Darlene LancerProbably, and you’re in the majority. The term “dysfunctional family,” once used only by professionals, has become popular jargon in America where dysfunctional families are the norm due to cultural values, a high divorce rate, and widespread addictions – from prescription drugs to exercising, ...
Views: 1577(3 votes) - How to Spot Emotional Unavailability - by Submitted on Jun 26, 2012 from Darlene LancerIf you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses, or just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to ...
Views: 2639(7 votes) - Coping with a Break-Up and Rejection - by Submitted on Aug 13, 2013 from Darlene LancerRejection and break-ups are especially hard for codependents. They can trigger hidden grief and cause irrational guilt, anger, shame, and fear. Working through the following issues can help you let go and move on. Codependents often blame themselves or their partner. They have low ...
Views: 1896(2 votes) - Are You Being Emotionally Abandoned? - by Submitted on Jul 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerMany people don’t realize that they’re feeling emotionally abandoned or that they did as a child. They may be unhappy, but can’t put their finger on what it is. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. They also may not realize that loss of physical closeness due ...
Views: 7470(6 votes) - Recovery from Codependency - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerCodependency is often thought of as a relationship problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a relationship problem; however, the relationship that’s the problem is not with someone else, but the ...
Views: 2966(8 votes) - 6 Tips for Letting Go - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerHave you been told, “Just let go of it,” or tell yourself, “I have to let go,” but wonder, how? I’ve asked myself that question. Sometimes you want to let go of a worry or an obsession about someone else. You may try to detach, but can't. Other times when you can’t move forward after a major ...
Views: 3002(8 votes) - Envy, Jealousy, and Shame - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerEnvy, jealousy, and shame are inextricably intertwined. Envy and jealousy are primal emotions that frequently overlap. They’re commonly first felt in the form of sibling rivalry and oedipal longings. A child innately wants mommy and daddy all to him or herself and feels “excluded” from the ...
Views: 1828(2 votes) - Is Your Relationship in Trouble? - by Submitted on Nov 03, 2013 from Darlene LancerGood relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill ...
Views: 1375(2 votes) - Love, Lust or Addiction? - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerWonder whether you’re in love or in lust? Whether your obsession about someone is a sign of love or addiction? Whether you’re staying in a troubled relationship because you’re addicted or in love? It’s complicated, and lust and love and addiction don’t always exclude one another. Endless ...
Views: 1840(1 vote) - The Dance of Intimacy - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2010 from Darlene LancerThe relationship duet is the dance of intimacy all couples do. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the ...
Views: 7488(3 votes) - The Do's and Don'ts of Divorce - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2011 from Darlene LancerMany divorces go along smoothly, but when problems occur, they usually reflect the dynamics that didn’t work in the marriage – only made worse, because divorce is one of the biggest crises you may go through. Emotions, especially fear and anger, are at their peak.There are definite pitfalls to ...
Views: 1498(3 votes) - Are You an Enabler and What You Can Do about It. - by Submitted on Mar 24, 2013 from Darlene LancerEnabling is a term often used in the context of a relationship with an addict. It might be a drug addict (which includes an alcoholic), gambler, or compulsive shopper. Enablers suffer the effects of the addict’s behavior rather than the addict. Enabling “removes the natural consequences to the ...
Views: 2539(7 votes) - How to Set Personal Boundaries - by Submitted on Mar 24, 2013 from Darlene LancerLove can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. It’s easy to understand external boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow. If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are ...
Views: 3452(7 votes) - PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerChildren intuitively know that there are problems in a marriage, sometimes despite their parents' best efforts to hide them. They may even believe divorce is a welcome relief from their parents' hot or cold war. However, they do not share their parents' need to separate, but on the contrary, ...
Views: 2228(4 votes) - PARENTING GUIDELINES AFTER DIVORCE - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene Lancer1. Tell your children the truth, with simple explanations. Tell them where the other parent is. 2. Don’t bring up grievances or speaking derogatorily about the other parent to or in front of your children. 3. Don't discuss financial, legal or other disputes with your children. 4. Don’t ...
Views: 1424(3 votes) - Are you a People-Pleaser? - by Submitted on Jun 20, 2014 from Darlene LancerEveryone starts out in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. It’s in our DNA. Some of us figure out that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow someone else’s needs and feelings take precedence. This works for a while. It feels natural, and there’s less ...
Views: 1501 - Codependency and Power - by Submitted on Jan 08, 2014 from Darlene LancerPower exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met. When we feel empowered, we can manage our emotions, we ...
Views: 2033 - Depression and Despair - by Submitted on Oct 13, 2024 from Darlene LancerWhen reality doesn’t match our desires and childhood coping mechanisms fail us, life presents us with painful lessons that may lead to depression. We face painful lessons that can lead to depression. The patterns we developed in response to unmet childhood needs can strain our relationships. If ...
Views: 133 - Do You Feel Trapped in a Relationship? - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2013 from Darlene LancerDo you feel trapped in a relationship you can’t leave? Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for many reasons; however, the feeling of suffocation or of ...
Views: 1686 - Do You Have a Codependent Attachment Style? - by Submitted on Sep 23, 2014 from Darlene LancerWe’re wired for attachment – why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships. Fortunately, most people have a ...
Views: 2600 - How to Spot Manipulation - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerWe all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in ...
Views: 1429 - Loving a Borderline - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerCaring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. Being a borderline (having BPD) is no picnic, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time on the border between reality and ...
Views: 1777 - Obsessions and Love Addiction - by Submitted on Jun 04, 2014 from Darlene LancerWhen an obsession dominates us, it steals our will and saps all the pleasure out of life. We become numb to people and events, while our mind replays the same dialogue images, or words. In a conversation, we have little interest in what the other person is saying and soon talk about our ...
Views: 1651 - Profile of a Narcissist Attractor - by Submitted on Apr 12, 2025 from Darlene LancerOften a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were ...
Views: 10 - Self-Forgiveness and Letting Go of Guilt - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2013 from Darlene LancerGuilt is good. Yes! Guilt actually encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Self-forgiveness following guilt is self-essential to esteem, which is key to enjoyment of life and relationships. Yet, for many, self-acceptance remains ...
Views: 1771 - The Trap of Perfectionism - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2014 from Darlene LancerPerfectionism is an addiction, meaning we’re repeatedly unable to stop our perfectionist behaviors. Like other addictions, perfectionism varies in severity and can have negative consequences. It harms our self-esteem, make us unable to accept other people’s differences and their mistakes and ...
Views: 1880 - What is Toxic Shame? - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerWhen shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It’s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that comes and goes, but when it's severe, it can be extremely painful. Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, ...
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