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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- Natural Trauma Healing – Less is More - by Submitted on May 04, 2025 from Darlene LancerThe conversation around trauma has become mainstream, as people seek to understand the effects of stress and emotional wounding on the body and mind. Countless books and studies have brought vital insights, exploring how trauma lodges in the nervous system and impacts our sense of safety, ...
Views: 12(1 vote) - Profile of a Narcissist Attractor - by Submitted on Apr 12, 2025 from Darlene LancerOften a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were ...
Views: 19 - Profile of a Narcissist Attractor - by Submitted on Mar 16, 2025 from Darlene LancerOften a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were ...
Views: 38(1 vote) - What Is Generational Trauma – Mother Wounds - by Submitted on Feb 15, 2025 from Darlene LancerGenerational trauma is a form of trauma passed down to subsequent generations through environmental factors such as psychological transference and attachment behavior according to attachment theory. The psychological impact of a traumatic event, such as historical mistreatment, cultural ...
Views: 59(1 vote) - Growth and Healing in Recovery - by Submitted on Jan 13, 2025 from Darlene LancerHealing is not linear or categorizable but is an obscure odyssey of the soul that meanders, stagnates, and has ups and downs. It warps time, intertwining our past and present, perspectives, relationships, and emotional struggles. For me, writing has been a gratifying and powerful healing tool ...
Views: 82(1 vote) - Healing In Relationships - by Submitted on Nov 09, 2024 from Darlene LancerEven before we enter the world, our brains and hormones are wired for connection. Our first relationship begins in our mother’s womb, where we recognize her voice and respond to her moods through hormones and stress responses. Later, her smell and touch become familiar. Affection and responsive ...
Views: 134(1 vote) - Depression and Despair - by Submitted on Oct 13, 2024 from Darlene LancerWhen reality doesn’t match our desires and childhood coping mechanisms fail us, life presents us with painful lessons that may lead to depression. We face painful lessons that can lead to depression. The patterns we developed in response to unmet childhood needs can strain our relationships. If ...
Views: 141 - Hidden Truth About Codependent Relationships - by Submitted on Sep 14, 2024 from Darlene LancerThere’s a saying, “The ending is in the beginning.” Codependent relationship problems start with their low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, and their idealization of love — that it will solve their deeper problems, including shame, which generates beliefs such as: “If I’m loved, I’m lovable,” ...
Views: 178(1 vote) - Unraveling Female Narcissism - by Submitted on Aug 23, 2024 from Darlene LancerFemale narcissists can be harder to spot; first, because they’re less numerous, and second, because their behavior may be less assertive and public compared to male narcissists. Male narcissists outnumber female narcissists nearly three to one. However, narcissistic personality disorder is on ...
Views: 196(1 vote) - The Signs and Effect of Emotional Incest - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2024 from Darlene LancerEmotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial development and into adulthood. Sometimes the targeted child is referred to as a “surrogate spouse,” due to parent-child enmeshment or a codependent parent-child ...
Views: 219(1 vote) - Trauma Recovery: A Blueprint and Strategies - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2024 from Darlene LancerMost codependents experience abandonment trauma in childhood, which can take many forms ranging from overt abuse to covert neglect. Even subtle signs that one of our parents does not listen to our thoughts, feelings, or needs send a message that we’re not valued for who we are as an individual. ...
Views: 245(1 vote) - Are Narcissists Made or Born? - by Submitted on May 20, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be hard to empathize with, but research on inherited narcissism shows they didn’t choose to be that way; they bear scars from childhood.Traditionally, childrearing, particularly by the mother, was considered the cause of narcissism. In recent years, more research and twin studies ...
Views: 249(1 vote) - Understanding the Mind of a Distancer - by Submitted on Apr 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerPursuer-distancer relationships cause a lot of heartache, especially for a pursuer. Learn about the mind of a distancer to understand your own or your partner's behavior so you won't take it personally.As codependants, we usually gravitate toward insecure relationships where we're a distancer or ...
Views: 278(1 vote) - Benefits of Letting Go Discoverable in Therapy - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerLetting go of someone we love is never easy. Letting go allows us more freedom in our lives and helps us stop controlling behavior. It might mean letting go of someone who is self-destructive, like an addict. Fundamentally, we’re powerless over someone else. Letting go may feel unloving, but it ...
Views: 295(1 vote) - Are You Kind or Are You Codependent? - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerDo you wonder whether you're a kind, empathetic person or are you codependent?There is a difference between empathy and codependency. There are codependents who are abusers and not caring, and some people who are caring and aren't codependent. So what's the difference?First, the definition of ...
Views: 299(1 vote) - How to Identify and Combat Gaslighting - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerIdentifying gaslighting behavior and knowing how to combat gaslighting are essential to maintaining your self-esteem, and mental and emotional health.Gaslighting is a form of narcissistic abuse that's used not only by narcissists, but also by sociopaths, addicts, and other abusers. Sometimes ...
Views: 293(1 vote) - Symptoms of Children of Narcissists and Addicts - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerChildren of narcissists and addicts (all substance abusers) grow up in a stressful, dysfunctional family environment, which in most cases leads to codependency. Due to the symptoms and defenses related to substance abuse and narcissism, particularly impaired boundaries, lack of empathy, and mood ...
Views: 304(1 vote) - Three Secret Behaviors of Narcissists - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissists’ entire personality is a defense to help them manage their hidden insecurity and inner turmoil. There are three secret behaviors they do that aren’t immediately obvious, but if you think about them, they would make sense to you and explain their manifest behavior.These behaviors stem ...
Views: 294(1 vote) - Child Parentification: The Cause, Signs, and Recovery - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2024 from Darlene LancerThe term child parentification was coined in 1967 by family systems theorist Salvador Minuchin, who said the phenomenon occurred when parents de facto delegated parenting roles to children. It can happen when one parent is physically absent or when a dysfunctional family is under stress because ...
Views: 295(1 vote) - The Narcissists' Hidden False Self - by Submitted on Mar 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissists have a false self. They're master illusionists. They behave like a little king or queen — whether bragging or sulking. Their whole personality is a charade crafted to deceive you into believing they are confident, superior, self-sufficient, likable, and caring. In studies, groups of ...
Views: 301(1 vote) - The Stages of Narcissistic Relationships - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissistic relationships often go through a painful cycle that is a predictable outgrowth of narcissistic personality disorder. Central to understanding a narcissist's behavior is that their relationships are transactional. Their impaired boundaries and lack of empathy prevent them from seeing ...
Views: 330(2 votes) - Difference between a Strong Ego, Weak Ego, and Big Ego - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerThe term "ego" has a bad rep, but in fact, having a strong ego indicates mental health in contrast to a weak or big ego. In Freud's structural model of the psyche, "I" was translated to the Latin, "ego." Unlike the primitive "id" seen in infants, the ego develops in stages and represents the ...
Views: 321(2 votes) - Difference between a Strong Ego, Weak Ego, and Big Ego - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerThe term "ego" has a bad rep, but in fact, having a strong ego indicates mental health in contrast to a weak or big ego. In Freud's structural model of the psyche, "I" was translated to the Latin, "ego." Unlike the primitive "id" seen in infants, the ego develops in stages and represents the ...
Views: 317(1 vote) - Signs of lack of empathy and what you can do - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerA lack of empathy is not sufficient for a diagnosis of narcissism but it underlies several narcissistic traits, such as arrogance, entitlement, and being exploitative. On the other hand, a lack of empathy can be associated with borderline personality disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, and ...
Views: 320(2 votes) - Myths about Narcissism - by Submitted on Nov 28, 2023 from Darlene LancerResearch on narcissistic personality disorder has substantially increased in the last 20 years, and the public discourse on narcissism has exploded, but it is often inaccurate. Many social media spokespersons (both narcissists and their victims) generalize their personal experiences to all ...
Views: 365(1 vote) - Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child - by Submitted on Jul 30, 2023 from Darlene LancerWe all have an “inner child,” which is an unconscious archetype coined by Carl Jung. It holds our vulnerability, spontaneity, creativity, curiosity, and magical ideas. It also holds fears, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and insecurity experienced growing up and is a vital part in healing ...
Views: 405(2 votes) - Is My Relationship Toxic? - by Submitted on Jul 30, 2023 from Darlene LancerIt's a question I hear over and over from people ... "Is my relationship toxic?" Healthy relationships nourish and support us. Like poison, a toxic relationship is one that is damaging to us. Instead of uplifting us, it makes us feel worse. When it ends, we might experience trauma, ...
Views: 431(1 vote) - Relationship Anxiety - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerAnxiety is common at the beginning of a relationship, but relationship anxiety can continue for the long term. It refers to intense worry, fear, doubt, and insecurity about a relationship and is associated with interpersonal dependency and interpersonal avoidance. Insecurity about ourselves, our ...
Views: 460(2 votes) - Signs of Healthy Boundaries - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerHealthy boundaries are essential in recovery from codependency. They both build and reflect self-esteem. Learning to have healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of individuating and becoming an individual and autonomous person. Boundaries are learned in childhood. Some dysfunctional ...
Views: 458(2 votes) - Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon to True Self - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerWhen we first met, I told my husband I was very adaptable. I didn’t realize the price of being a chameleon until I started recovery and my journey of individuation. By then I was dead inside. I’d spent years adapting to abuse and belittling that I’d absorbed. I was detached from my feelings and ...
Views: 454(2 votes) - CRAFT Addiction Treatment and Codependency - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerThough powerless over an alcoholic-addict's ultimate behavior, we can influence them to get addiction treatment using CRAFT. It's a Community Reinforcement and Family Training program for addiction treatment developed in the 70s that has been effective in training “Concerned Significant Others" ...
Views: 520(2 votes) - DARVO: Abusers’ “Victim-Blaming” Tactic - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerAbusers are long known for victim-blaming, because they never want to take responsibility. More recently a research psychologist Jennifer Joy Freyd gave this a name: DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is more than either “playing the victim” or ...
Views: 574(2 votes) - Dealing with Highly Aggressive People - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerIndividuals who are aggressive thrive on provoking and escalating conflict. They’re usually domineering and try to control the conversation. They’re distrustful, reactive, highly defensive, intense, dogmatic, and often, though not always, loud. They’re not open to alternative points of view, but ...
Views: 584(2 votes) - What Is a Trauma Bond? - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerA trauma bond is an attachment to an abuser in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., coined the term in 1997. He defined it as an adaptive, dysfunctional attachment occurring in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation in order to survive. It is a trauma ...
Views: 683(2 votes) - The Narcissistic Parent - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerA narcissistic parent behaves as they imagine themselves to be—the king or queen of the family, or someone whose activities are more important than being part of the family. As a child, your parents are your world until you’re able to leave home. Your survival and self-concept depend on them. A ...
Views: 657(2 votes) - Narcissists' Dirty Little Secret - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerYou won’t guess abusers’ dirty little secret – the one thing narcissists and abusers don’t want you to know. In fact, they find it so shameful that most of them won’t admit it even to themselves. They hide it behind their abuse and bluster, their braggadocio, and their arrogance. People are ...
Views: 630(2 votes) - Are You Feeding Narcissistic Supply? - by Submitted on Aug 05, 2021 from Darlene LancerNarcissists hunger to have their needs met. If you’re in a close relationship with a narcissist, they expect you to supply them. The term “narcissistic supply” is based on the psychoanalytic theory that concerns essential needs of babies and toddlers to maintain their mental and emotional ...
Views: 852(2 votes) - Soul Alignment - by Submitted on Jul 23, 2021 from Darlene LancerEverything on earth – including every species of plant and animal, and each individual person, plant, each flower, seed, and cell – is a materialization of supreme intelligence, the absolute, or the Godhead, which I refer to as the divine. Our soul is its conduit and unique manifestation. It ...
Views: 651(2 votes) - LEARNED HELPLESSNESS IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2021 from Darlene LancerWe can feel hopeless and helpless when we experience chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else’s addiction that feels powerless to change. You might be experiencing a debilitating ...
Views: 597(2 votes) - STEPS OF CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2021 from Darlene LancerThe overall goal of codependency recovery is to become a full-functioning individual. That entails knowing, valuing, and trusting yourself, and expressing yourself in your life and relationships. It involves a complete makeover that impacts what you believe and how you think, feel, and act. (See ...
Views: 608(2 votes) - ARE EMPATHS CODEPENDENT? - by Submitted on May 06, 2021 from Darlene LancerEmpaths are more than empathetic. Like an HSP–highly sensitive person–they’re highly attuned to stimuli and other people’s emotions and energy, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They may be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let’s first consider some ...
Views: 590(2 votes) - HOW TO HAVE BOUNDARIES IN THE PANDEMIC - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerMaintaining boundaries is challenging for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantined with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could at least create physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even taking ...
Views: 670(2 votes) - 6 STRATEGIES WHEN NARCISSISTS WON’T LET GO - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerBeware of narcissists trying to lure you back with hoovering. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when it’s they who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to ...
Views: 637(2 votes) - WHY IT’S HARD TO RECEIVE - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerOften many people, in particular codependents, find it hard to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners. They might fantasize receiving, but keep right ...
Views: 591(2 votes) - Tactics Narcissists Use to Gain Self-Esteem and Power - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2021 from Darlene LancerTo some degree, most of us desire to improve our social status and self-esteem, but narcissists feel compelled to. A recent study concluded that it’s their constant concern. More than most people, they look to others for “self-definition and self-esteem regulation; inflated or deflated ...
Views: 868(2 votes) - Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 23, 2020 from Darlene LancerCodependency is more than a relationship problem. It wounds our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. The wounds of codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our ...
Views: 840(2 votes) - How to Feel Grateful When You Don't - by Submitted on Nov 22, 2020 from Darlene LancerThe expectation of feeling grateful at Thanksgiving can be challenging when we’re struggling with loneliness or relationship, work or health problems. It can be even harder to have gratitude around the holidays, when we see other people happily celebrating. Some of us have a habit of focusing ...
Views: 963(2 votes) - 4 TYPES OF NARCISSISM SHARE A CORE TRAIT - by Submitted on Aug 29, 2020 from Darlene LancerThere are four major types of narcissism. Researchers have been hunting for the core of narcissism that all narcissists share despite varying symptoms and severity. Narcissists use a variety of tactics and defenses to keep you insecure and ensure their status and their needs are met. It’s easy ...
Views: 1031(2 votes) - Dating a Narcissist - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerYou won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a ...
Views: 942(2 votes) - Changing Codependent Dynamics in Abusive Relationships - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerMany codependents are in abusive relationships with addicts or people with mental illness. The symptoms of codependency encourage the dysfunctional dynamics in these relationships, which in turn worsens codependent symptoms. This makes sense when we consider the definition of codependency and ...
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