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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- Relationship Anxiety - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerAnxiety is common at the beginning of a relationship, but relationship anxiety can continue for the long term. It refers to intense worry, fear, doubt, and insecurity about a relationship and is associated with interpersonal dependency and interpersonal avoidance. Insecurity about ourselves, our ...
Views: 4(2 votes) - Signs of Healthy Boundaries - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerHealthy boundaries are essential in recovery from codependency. They both build and reflect self-esteem. Learning to have healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of individuating and becoming an individual and autonomous person. Boundaries are learned in childhood. Some dysfunctional ...
Views: 4(2 votes) - Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon to True Self - by Submitted on Jun 07, 2023 from Darlene LancerWhen we first met, I told my husband I was very adaptable. I didn’t realize the price of being a chameleon until I started recovery and my journey of individuation. By then I was dead inside. I’d spent years adapting to abuse and belittling that I’d absorbed. I was detached from my feelings and ...
Views: 4(2 votes) - CRAFT Addiction Treatment and Codependency - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerThough powerless over an alcoholic-addict's ultimate behavior, we can influence them to get addiction treatment using CRAFT. It's a Community Reinforcement and Family Training program for addiction treatment developed in the 70s that has been effective in training “Concerned Significant Others" ...
Views: 131(2 votes) - DARVO: Abusers’ “Victim-Blaming” Tactic - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerAbusers are long known for victim-blaming, because they never want to take responsibility. More recently a research psychologist Jennifer Joy Freyd gave this a name: DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is more than either “playing the victim” or ...
Views: 128(2 votes) - Dealing with Highly Aggressive People - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerIndividuals who are aggressive thrive on provoking and escalating conflict. They’re usually domineering and try to control the conversation. They’re distrustful, reactive, highly defensive, intense, dogmatic, and often, though not always, loud. They’re not open to alternative points of view, but ...
Views: 148(2 votes) - What Is a Trauma Bond? - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerA trauma bond is an attachment to an abuser in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., coined the term in 1997. He defined it as an adaptive, dysfunctional attachment occurring in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation in order to survive. It is a trauma ...
Views: 214(2 votes) - The Narcissistic Parent - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerA narcissistic parent behaves as they imagine themselves to be—the king or queen of the family, or someone whose activities are more important than being part of the family. As a child, your parents are your world until you’re able to leave home. Your survival and self-concept depend on them. A ...
Views: 220(2 votes) - Narcissists' Dirty Little Secret - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2022 from Darlene LancerYou won’t guess abusers’ dirty little secret – the one thing narcissists and abusers don’t want you to know. In fact, they find it so shameful that most of them won’t admit it even to themselves. They hide it behind their abuse and bluster, their braggadocio, and their arrogance. People are ...
Views: 209(2 votes) - Are You Feeding Narcissistic Supply? - by Submitted on Aug 05, 2021 from Darlene LancerNarcissists hunger to have their needs met. If you’re in a close relationship with a narcissist, they expect you to supply them. The term “narcissistic supply” is based on the psychoanalytic theory that concerns essential needs of babies and toddlers to maintain their mental and emotional ...
Views: 416(2 votes) - Soul Alignment - by Submitted on Jul 23, 2021 from Darlene LancerEverything on earth – including every species of plant and animal, and each individual person, plant, each flower, seed, and cell – is a materialization of supreme intelligence, the absolute, or the Godhead, which I refer to as the divine. Our soul is its conduit and unique manifestation. It ...
Views: 297(2 votes) - LEARNED HELPLESSNESS IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2021 from Darlene LancerWe can feel hopeless and helpless when we experience chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else’s addiction that feels powerless to change. You might be experiencing a debilitating ...
Views: 262(2 votes) - STEPS OF CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY - by Submitted on Jun 14, 2021 from Darlene LancerThe overall goal of codependency recovery is to become a full-functioning individual. That entails knowing, valuing, and trusting yourself, and expressing yourself in your life and relationships. It involves a complete makeover that impacts what you believe and how you think, feel, and act. (See ...
Views: 251(2 votes) - ARE EMPATHS CODEPENDENT? - by Submitted on May 06, 2021 from Darlene LancerEmpaths are more than empathetic. Like an HSP–highly sensitive person–they’re highly attuned to stimuli and other people’s emotions and energy, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They may be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let’s first consider some ...
Views: 231(2 votes) - HOW TO HAVE BOUNDARIES IN THE PANDEMIC - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerMaintaining boundaries is challenging for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantined with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could at least create physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even taking ...
Views: 334(2 votes) - 6 STRATEGIES WHEN NARCISSISTS WON’T LET GO - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerBeware of narcissists trying to lure you back with hoovering. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when it’s they who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to ...
Views: 301(2 votes) - WHY IT’S HARD TO RECEIVE - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerOften many people, in particular codependents, find it hard to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners. They might fantasize receiving, but keep right ...
Views: 258(2 votes) - Tactics Narcissists Use to Gain Self-Esteem and Power - by Submitted on Jan 10, 2021 from Darlene LancerTo some degree, most of us desire to improve our social status and self-esteem, but narcissists feel compelled to. A recent study concluded that it’s their constant concern. More than most people, they look to others for “self-definition and self-esteem regulation; inflated or deflated ...
Views: 520(2 votes) - Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 23, 2020 from Darlene LancerCodependency is more than a relationship problem. It wounds our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. The wounds of codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our ...
Views: 486(2 votes) - How to Feel Grateful When You Don't - by Submitted on Nov 22, 2020 from Darlene LancerThe expectation of feeling grateful at Thanksgiving can be challenging when we’re struggling with loneliness or relationship, work or health problems. It can be even harder to have gratitude around the holidays, when we see other people happily celebrating. Some of us have a habit of focusing ...
Views: 613(2 votes) - 4 TYPES OF NARCISSISM SHARE A CORE TRAIT - by Submitted on Aug 29, 2020 from Darlene LancerThere are four major types of narcissism. Researchers have been hunting for the core of narcissism that all narcissists share despite varying symptoms and severity. Narcissists use a variety of tactics and defenses to keep you insecure and ensure their status and their needs are met. It’s easy ...
Views: 664(2 votes) - Dating a Narcissist - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerYou won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a ...
Views: 577(2 votes) - Changing Codependent Dynamics in Abusive Relationships - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerMany codependents are in abusive relationships with addicts or people with mental illness. The symptoms of codependency encourage the dysfunctional dynamics in these relationships, which in turn worsens codependent symptoms. This makes sense when we consider the definition of codependency and ...
Views: 590(1 vote) - HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE WILLFUL OR STRONG WILLED - by Submitted on Jun 18, 2020 from Darlene LancerStrong-willed people are successful, yet those who are willful often sabotage success. Willful individuals can be fiercely stubborn in their opinions and pursuit of their goals, ignoring what other people think and need. They often fiercely force their will despite obstacles or negative ...
Views: 547(2 votes) - How to Detach and Let Go with Love - by Submitted on Apr 24, 2020 from Darlene LancerAlthough it’s painful to see our loved ones be self-destructive, detaching allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. Attachment and caring are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to people we love and care about, but codependent attachment causes us pain and ...
Views: 664(2 votes) - SIBLING BULLYING AND ABUSE: A HIDDEN EPIDEMIC - by Submitted on Jan 04, 2020 from Darlene LancerSibling abuse is the most common but least reported abuse in the family. Prevalence is higher than spousal or child abuse combined with consequences well into adulthood similar parent-child abuse. Up to 80 percent of youth experience some form of sibling maltreatment; yet, it’s been called the ...
Views: 803(2 votes) - The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love - by Submitted on Nov 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerMost relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find love and sabotage it in our relationships. In ...
Views: 770(2 votes) - HOW SHAME FEELS AND WHAT MAKES IT TOXIC - by Submitted on Oct 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerSprawled on the hallway floor, skirt flying, hitting and kicking, I wrestled with Tina before a crowd of junior high school schoolmates, including a dozen boys from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her cohorts had taunted and insulted me ...
Views: 874(2 votes) - WHY YOU CAN LOVE AN ABUSER - by Submitted on Sep 08, 2019 from Darlene LancerFalling in love happens to us―usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the ...
Views: 501(2 votes) - Why You Were Ghosted and What to Do - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerRejection and breakups are hard enough, but being ghosted can be traumatic. It can leave you with unanswered questions that make it hard to move on. Although ghosting also occurs in friendships, it’s usually associated with dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears ...
Views: 675(2 votes) - Unexpected Trauma after Abuse - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerCodependency robs us of a self and self-love. We’ve learned to conceal who we really are, because we grew up pleasing, rebelling against, or withdrawing from dysfunctional parents. This sets us up for trauma. As adults, even if we’re successful in some areas, our emotional life isn’t easy. ...
Views: 971(2 votes) - COVERT TACTICS MANIPULATORS USE TO CONTROL AND CONFUSE YOU - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany of us don't recognize manipulators or even realize they're trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands ...
Views: 657(3 votes) - Relationship as a Spiritual Path - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerA relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow―a path to spiritual transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine when partners open to one another. The concept of spirituality derives from "spiritus," meaning vitality or ...
Views: 652(2 votes) - What You Should Know about Narcissists, Their Partners, & NPD - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerPoor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in pool of water and died hungering for its response. Narcissism was named for him. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common ...
Views: 1191(3 votes) - Therapy for NPD and Narcissists - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 771(2 votes) - Can a Narcissist Benefit from Psychotherapy? - by Submitted on May 29, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 724(3 votes) - Signs of Serious Relationship Problems - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerGood relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill ...
Views: 776(2 votes) - WHY NARCISSISTS ACT THE WAY THEY DO - by Submitted on May 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be ...
Views: 746(2 votes) - Need-Fulfillment is the Key to Happiness - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerThe key to happiness is meeting our needs. Although codependents are very good at meeting the needs of other people, many are clueless about their own needs. They have problems identifying, expressing, and fulfilling their needs and wants. They're usually very attuned other people and may even ...
Views: 980(2 votes) - How to Leave a Narcissist or Abuser - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerWhen we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse. Although you're unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, ...
Views: 876(2 votes) - COMBAT NARCISSISTS’ AND ABUSERS’ PRIMARY WEAPON: PROJECTION - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2019 from Darlene LancerProjection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When we project, we are defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, either positive or ...
Views: 775(3 votes) - WHY AND HOW NARCISSISTS PLAY GAMES - by Submitted on Jan 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerTo a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It's a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don't intrude. In relationships, narcissists focus on their goal. For a male narcissist, that's usually sex ...
Views: 741(3 votes) - HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But you don't want to fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared for, and unimportant. Typically, a narcissist’s criticism, ...
Views: 928(2 votes) - BEWARE OF THE DARK TRIAD - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerThink of the Dark Triad of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism as the Bermuda Triangle – it’s perilous to get near it! The traits of all three often overlap and create personality profiles that are damaging and toxic, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, where we let our ...
Views: 1017(2 votes) - LOVE BOMBING AND NARCISSISTIC ATTACHMENT - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerGetting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right―our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. ...
Views: 837(2 votes) - DENIAL OF BAD BEHAVIOR – WHAT YOU CAN DO - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerDenial is serious. It’s a refusal to acknowledge truth or reality. It can have benefits, but denial can also be our undoing and have life-threatening consequences. It affects not only individuals. Denial in the form of "group-think" can dangerously take over families and entire groups. ...
Views: 1051(2 votes) - DEPROGRAMMING CODEPENDENT BELIEFS - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough. This is ...
Views: 852(1 vote) - HOW TO IDENTIFY AND DEAL WITH TOXIC PARENTS - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerToxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live ...
Views: 1303(2 votes) - CAN A NARCISSIST LOVE? - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerAnyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes ...
Views: 797(1 vote) - REALITY ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK! HOW COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS HARM US - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe all see reality through a personal lens shaped by our beliefs, culture, religion, and experiences. The movie Roshomon was a brilliant example of this, where three witnesses to a crime recount different versions of what happened. When couples argue, they usually can’t agree on the facts of ...
Views: 875(3 votes)